Worry & Stress Don't Make You Pretty

"Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy. Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in His hands."

- Elisabeth Elliot

 I'm in a strange period of waiting right now (when are things never "strange" though?). I've been married almost two months and it has been amazing, we've moved to Omaha into a cozy apartment that is slowly becoming home-y, and we're getting into the swing of life without school and with big adult responsibilities. He has been quite liking his job, and I have been... home a lot. You see, I have technically been hired since mid-July, but then there was the wedding (and the fact that I didn't even live in the state of the job until August/September), and then honeymoon and a family thing in Canada. I had to take some classes for this job to get fully certified and understood that once I did that, I would be good to go and get matched up to care for a family! Just kidding.... There was more paperwork on the company's end to get together and apparently that has been taking longer than expected. And that's where the waiting and restlessness and impatience come in. Sense a theme?

A new place, no friends (physically present) except for my husband (and he's awesome!), and no work to occupy my time or make me feel useful. In the beginning this "extra summer" was nice. I had time to unpack and settle us into our new apartment while he was at work, and I had time to relax and NOT plan a wedding. But that relaxing slowly turned into boredom and impatience and a little bit of loneliness.

But...

a Facebook friend from Asbury, Natalie, recently shared that quote from Elisabeth Elliot and it absolutely struck me to the core. I shared it on my own page and then later that same day I put it on my desktop background of my computer. I wanted to read those words until they were tattooed on my heart, because that made all my complaining and restless smack me upside the head, and then I realized that I CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING by being restless and impatient.

Nope, not a single thing.

I read this quote daily lately, and often more than once a day. Each time I read it, it feels new. Which is good because then it feels fresh and strikes me new each time, but it is also bad because then is it truly sticking with me? Do I just like the fancy idea of it, or do I truly believe that there is peace and joy in Christ? I do believe there is peace and joy in Christ. The issue comes in as matter of whether I let Him be in control or not. My "control" means chaos; His control means exactly as the word says: control. He has things under complete control.

I'm reminded of another favorite quote of mine that is from Francis Chan in his book Crazy Love:

"Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our lives are brief ... and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small, indeed.”

Worry and stress reek of arrogance. Reek. Do you want to smell bad? Worry and stress don't make us any better, any prettier, any richer, any more successful or anything! Worry and stress only destroy and deteriorate, just as Elisabeth Elliot said that restlessness and impatience only change our peace and joy. It turns our peace and joy into a pile of rubble, into reeking rubble of arrogance. That is prideful, my friends, and it gets you no where.

The Lord has been asking me to step down from my pride and arrogance. He has been asking me to take His hand and let Him pull me up out of the reeking pile of rubble I'm sitting in as I wait impatiently for "my life to change." This is a job that will make me feel useful and like I am making a difference. I'll get to care for children with special needs, and help families who need the rest I have been taking for granted. I think God is telling me that I need step out of the pride that tells me that my worth is there, and not here, alone in my apartment with my God. He is asking me to find peace and rest and assurance and companionship with Him. Only Him. He says, "Come here, I will satisfy you. Just take my hand and sit with Me for while."

So He gives me this incredible offer to be with Him and have everything I need. But what do I do? I seek peace in the "outward things." I clean, I set up the apartment, I sleep in, I call family and friends who live far away, I play video games, I read, I watch tv shows (homework free!) with my husband, and I keep worrying about what I'll do tomorrow and where the money will come from and how I'll ever make a difference in people's lives if I don't ever leave my apartment. I begin to doubt that I am qualified for this job. My body is rested, but my soul is restless, and I know I wasn't made to be like this.

I forget that GOD IS IN CONTROL. He has all things safely in His hands. ALL things. 

And He wants to be the love of my life, the One who satisfies me completely, whether I have all worldly things I desire or nothing at all... He wants me. He is the One who holds me together, who knows what is in store for me, and who created me to make a difference in this world... in His way, in His timing. 

In Christ, there is no room for worry, stress, restlessness, and impatience. There is only room for trust, love, relationship, peace, joy... and so, so much more. In the midst of confusion and restlessness, he brings unexplainable peace and joy. What. A. Savior. 

Please, take a note from me and act now. Spend time with Jesus. Don't let the foxes in the vineyard steal your joy. 

[Here's one of my favorite songs by Audrey Assad]:

Restless by Audrey Assad

The Things We Make Homes Out Of

Sometimes you don't figure out that somewhere has been home until you have left it. 

When you're driving or flying away to a place that you think is more home is often when you realize that the road or sky you're traveling through is really the home you're more familiar with. When you're somewhere else, you realize that where you are is even less home than where you came from. The problem is that even though you're always searching for the "right" answer to "where is home?" it's a question that can never be honestly answered correctly the same way twice. Home is a constantly evolving place/feeling/smell/taste/sound/memory. Fill in the blank as you please.

Sometimes home can be a person.  This is a home that is - for a moment - secure, happy, and everything you could ever dream a home to be. It has the red couches you've pictured and the bay window that looks out to the sea. It has shelves full of books you hope someday to read. But if you make a home out of a person, then you're sinking alongside the man who built his house on the sand. You're asking for it to crumble, you're asking for unsteadiness and fast sinking dreams. People change, people have needs, and people move away. If you make a home out of a person, you'll forget where you came from and who you were before you moved in. You can't cling to that kind of a home forever.

Sometimes home can be a routine. It's a place where you have a schedule and are expected to get things done on a deadline. But that's like asking home to be something you can place on a calendar for every day of the week. It's like asking home to be something consistent and predictable. But anyone who has ever tried to have a home knows that plumbing gets damaged, windows get cracked, and the creaky wooden stairs eventually drive you up the walls. Repairs are necessary, funds are hard to come across, and at times you have to decide whether you'll keep it up and work hard or pack up and move on. You can't expect this house to stand forever.

Sometimes you can make a home out of a memory. This is the kind of home that can exist in a place no matter how large or small. This kind of home exists in your heart and your mind. This home is often shared with one or more other residents, but when asked for details, the residents will remember different pictures on the fridge and varied shades of blue on the bathroom walls. It's a shared home, but not really shared at all. Time is absent in this home and the homeowner of this place really only keeps paying the rent in order to go back to smell that mix of sappy nostalgia and naive bliss. This the home that looks perfect in pictures, but when visited years later the owner realizes that it's not what it once was. Walls are rotted and colors on the walls aren't as bright as they used to be. Often this home moves on without its resident or any sort of consent. This home slowly changes and, in a bittersweet way, fades without warning. This home says goodbye long before the resident realizes it is gone. Your memory can't hold this home together forever.

But, if you make a home out of a future, out of a hope, and out of the things that God promises, you willl realize sooner or later that home is not what you previously thought it ought to be. Your definition of home will be entirely flipped around. It will be something to rejoice in, not feel bitter about. You will realize that "where is home?" and "where are you from?" are actually quite ridiculous questions, and think that perhaps we should be asking "where is your final destination?" and then pray for a heavenly answer. You will realize that when you make a home out of anything past or present that it is often not there by the time you get back to it. 

I think there is a certain kind of strength in calling more than one place "home." There's a boldness in saying, "right here is home and after I drive 500 miles across the country or fly for 32 hours, I will be home then, too." There is a willingness to grow and accept change that comes from speaking those words and knowing that a home doesn't have to be a place with four walls that boxes you in and keeps you still and contained. Rather, in allowing "home" to be more places than one, you allow yourself freedom to roam. You allow yourself opportunity to realize the blessing it is that earth was not made to be our home. And Lord willing, you will find yourself in heaven one day and never have to call anywhere else Home ever again. You were made to call heaven your permanent Home, and the heavenly Father has a room waiting for you. You can make a Home out of God's promise of forever.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me so that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." John 14: 1 - 4 (NIV)

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ." Philippians 3:20 (NIV)

A Conversation About Your Heart

Take a look at yourself.
Listen to the voices in your head.

What do you see? 

What do you hear? 

Do you see your Maker?

Do you hear His voice?

Let him speak. 

Listen to Him sing over you. He sings songs of 

peace,

love, 

and purifying forgiveness.

He says, "I love you."

He says, "Do not worry."

Do you love Him? 

Does your heart yearn for Him?

Do you ache for His touch?

Do you fear being far from Him?

He has never left you.

He has promised that He will never ever leave your side.

Do you hear that? 

Never. 

Leave.

  You.

Even in His anger, His jealousy, and His wrath...

the God of everything has 

mercy,

grace,

and love everlasting.

He never breaks His promise. 

He always loves you. 

It's not about what you have done.

It's not about anything you could ever say. 

He loves you simply because He loves you. 

He knows every part of you. He knows all your 

fears,

passions,

and deepest, darkest hurts.

He is the crafter of your heart;

The very heart that beats inside of you which keeps you

 b r e a t h i n g, 

m o v i n g,

l i v i n g.

He desires your heart. But it's your choice to love him.

It's your choice to let him   f l i p   your whole world upside down. 

It's your choice to step into the best adventure of your life. 

He gives you life, identity, and love in all the purest forms.

When you seek these things elsewhere, you find them  i n c o m p l e t e.

But God holds all things in their proper time and place. 

He holds you in the proper place. 

He desires to use you for what you were created to do. 

He desires to draw out your passions and use you to 

                                       change

                                                             the 

                                                                                world.

Let the Holy Spirit move you to compassion. 

You are precious.

You are treasured.

You are valued.

And you make a difference. 

                                                                   Do you believe that?

Do you see what God has done for you?

He has redeemed you. 

He has given you freedom. 

He has taught you what Love is, and shown you how to live Love. 

Let Him move you. 

Let what He has done for you reflect onto others.

Love, because he first loved you. 

{1 John 4:19}

Choosing to Commit

With no job and no where to [officially] live once I moved out of the dorms, I was left during finals week to rely completely and entirely on God for His provision in my life for the summer. Everything was either completely unknown or a work in progress. But the Lord kept reminding me of His everlasting faithfulness. He repeatedly told me that he wants good, protection, and growth for me. Today, over a month later, I have complete housing, two internships, a counseling position at the MK Reentry camp in July, and plenty of babysitting jobs to get me through the summer. God is good. And even if I had not been given all these things, He still would remain good and faithful and I would still trust Him with my life. 

But here comes the beginning of it all. Last week I started my very first internship in Public Relations and Admissions. This is what I have been learning and preparing myself in for years, but the night before my first day on the job, I began to feel anxious. I had anxiety that I would not be what they expected and that I would not be able to do what they need me to do. But God, in His all-knowing goodness, kept placing peace in my life. There was a specific verse that kept coming into my thoughts in every moment of the next few days, which was this:

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, 

and your plans will succeed."

Proverbs 16:3 (NIV)

It is a simple sentence. It is not a lengthy paragraph explaining every thing one must do in order to succeed. It is not a speech given only to those who know every thing that they want, nor is it just for those who need direction. It is a simple calling from God that we just come to Him, and commit every thing that we have, are, and ever will be to him. Success through God when we commit our all to him may not look like the success we imagine or believe we need. God's definition of success is a little (or sometimes a lot) different than we imagine for ourselves, but it is always - and I mean always - better. 

"Humans are satisfied with whatever looks good; 

God probes for what is good." 

Proverbs 16:2 (MSG)

So when Proverbs 16:3 kept coming back to me when ever I would feel the least bit anxious, I finally sat down and prayed to God about it. I committed my summer, my passions, my internships, my relationships, and everything I could think of, to God. I told him that His way is better than my way, and asked him to remind me of that whenever I began to think differently. ;) And here I am, committing all of my summer duties to God, trusting that He will lead, guide, and provide for me. Also trusting that he knows what is best for for me and what I am capable of. God knows beyond my awareness what I can do with my life, so I am choosing to trust.

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, 

neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord."

Isaiah 55:8 (NIV)

I can have expectations and plans in my head. I can have dreams, and I can think that I know what is best. God created us to be thinkers, dreamers, and difference makers. But if our desires are not lined up with the desires and heart of God, then that just seems like a waste. God knows the big picture, and I think I would rather let Him guide me than try to run through this crazy course of life all by my own rules and directions. 

"To man belong the plans of the heart,

 but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue."

Proverbs 16:1 (NIV)

Another thing I am choosing to do is to thank God for my unanswered prayers. To me, unanswered prayers mean one of two things:

1. I prayed and begged God for something that I really did not need, but thought I surely did, and He protected me from what I did not know would be harmful to me. Or...
2. He has yet to answer my prayer because he knows the better time for it, and he sees the big picture and how what I have asked for will fill my life for His glory in His perfect timing. 

Praise God that he knows all and holds all in his hands! I would be a shipwrecked mess without my Savior telling me "no" or giving me grace where I fall short. 

"Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it.

 Learn the unforced rhythms of grace." 

Matthew 11:29 (MSG)

Take the "easy"route to proper success and give God your all. If you are truly in Christ, you will thrive through His glories, but you will also suffer for a worthy cause. It is all worth it, I promise you. 

So That I May Live.

Have you ever thought about the cross?

Christ died a shameful death - the MOST shameful death possible for that time and culture. He died a death on a cross. Two planks of wood were stood up, nails were sent through his hands and feet and he was stuck on the cross and hung there to die. Not only did he endure that [for us], but he also endured mocking, betrayal, being stripped of his clothing, being yelled at, and being provoked. The soldiers disgraced him immensely and the disciples denied him. And what did Jesus do while they did all of that to him?  He let them move him as they pleased. He let them kick him and whip him and call him mocking names. They tried their hardest to provoke him to anger and to lashing out against them. Yet, he did nothing but pray for them.

When I read the passages about the crucifixion, I want to yell at Jesus and scream at him, "Say something! Do something! Tell them what this means! Explain who you are!" But he doesn't do that. He stays completely silent and accepts their beatings and their wretchedness. And when he finally does speak, he tells the women not to weep for him (Luke 23:28). The second time it is recorded of him speaking, he is hanging on the cross and all is he says is, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing."(Luke 23:34)

Wow. Just wow. Let that blow your mind. It blows my mind. He is so humble. I see him as absolutely overcome with grief that he can't say a single word to them. Have you ever felt that feeling? You're so upset and heartbroken about something, and then the most agitating, annoying thing that would make you lash out any other day happens and you can't even muster up the ability to respond to it. You just are so overcome with sadness that you can't respond. I imagine Christ felt that way during the crucifixion. He was so overcome with sadness. He must have thought, "they don't understand what they are doing, and they don't understand what I am going to do for them." He had pity on them. He was grieved for the sins they were committing. But he also knew that he had to do this task, dying on the cross for all sins, in order to carry out God's plan.

He knew the purpose for which he was to suffer, and he knew he would rise up again, defeating death for ever. He makes a statement toward this during the Last Supper as he ate with the disciples. "When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. And he said to them, 'I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God...This is my body, given for you; do this in remembrance of me...this cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you,'" (Luke 22:14, 19, 20). I imagine the disciples thought Jesus was talking crazy talk. Body? Blood? Kingdom? Jesus, where are you going? How long will you be gone? Suffer?

But you know what else I believe he felt alongside all the grief? Joy. I genuinely believe with all my heart that through all of this, Jesus felt inexplicable joy for what was coming. He knew that the people would gradually begin to understand who he is and what his purpose is for being there. They would see him die, and three days later they would find an empty tomb. And that empty tomb would mean that this man that they learned to love, follow, and admire for years was back and he was going to be with them for a much longer time.

This is not a simple concept to take in. Here we are thousands of years later and we still can't completely fathom that God sent his son to become a man, live this human life, be tempted beyond what most of us can bare, teach boldly to people who wanted nothing to do with him, and then be crucified for something he was not even guilty of doing. Those who knew Jesus and saw all of this first-hand could hardly believe it. And yet, it is historical truth. We believe it because we have faith that God is a good God and that he loves us so much that he did do exactly what I just spoke of. This is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed of believing. Our Savior is risen! He defeated death! Because he lives, we too can have life and have it to the full.

Christ died on the cross so that I may live. He wore those chains and took the mocking because he knew that someday I would be sitting on the bleachers in the rain, in the middle of the night, and I would look up at the Wilmore water tank cross as it glows in the sky, and I would tell him the story of his crucifixion and it would compel me to write this to you as I freeze. (And a year later, to finally write the rest of this and actually post it for you to read!) He died so that I may live a life that leads others to him. If he had never done that, none of us would be here today, and none of us would see the true glory of God's incredible all-encompassing love.

"'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?' The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

1 Corinthians 15: 55-57 (NIV)

God bless & Happy Easter to you all :) 

That Typical Sophomore Year Blog Post

Senior year was an exciting stage of my life. I remember feeling so ready to grow up and get out into a new part of the world and explore all that God would have in store for me. I remember feeling so small, but so big at the same time. I remember the beginning of senior year feeling like there was no way I was old enough to be going off to college, and by the end of the school year when graduation hit, I could look in the mirror and see someone who was maybe almost old enough to embrace the college world. I know it is over-used to say this, but it feels like just yesterday that I was sitting by my grandparent's pool in New Jersey talking to my cousin Jason and hearing about Asbury for the first time. God told me that same day after a phone call that this was the school where he wanted me at - and he never stopped giving me more and more confirmation about just that.

Now, I am in the midst of week three of classes of my sophomore year. God has changed me in the last year and half, that's for sure. I walked on to campus here for the first time ever last August on move-in day. I had never seen the brick walls of Asbury's campus or even set foot in Kentucky until the week of intercultural freshman orientation. I remember the quick beating of my heart as I saw the sign for Wilmore and began to feel nervous and anxious about all that was before me. If you jump a couple months forward, you see me with my friends at dinner time laughing and squishing as close as possible at the round tables in the cafeteria as we try to fit as many people as possible. You see me and a couple of my closest girl friends talking and crying together until five in the morning about what God is doing in our lives. You see me frantically making shopping lists and calling and texting people for help to set up events that I planned for my committee on the Student Activities Board for Asbury Student Congress. You see me knowing where my classes are and talking about professors like I have known them for years. It was a quick transition from high school to college and as fun as it was, I do not wish to do it all over again.

I have loved my college experience so far. I have thrived off of the social interactions and community events on a college campus such as Asbury. I have slowly learned how to take advantage of the benefits of living in America for more than six weeks at a time. My friends have been sifted and shoved and bounced all over the place - and other friends have stuck loyally by my side and we have grown together immensely. God has done wonders in my life since arriving at Asbury a little over a year ago. He has carried me through a somewhat expected roommate change, He has guided my path through various leadership roles, and He has taught me how to appreciate the way my parents raised me even more than I ever realized. Most people go to college for an academic education, but I have gotten that and much, much more. I have gotten life lessons, forgiveness, trust, a stronger faith in God, incredible relationships, a thriving social environment, new passions ignited, gained interest in knowledge on topics that I did not even know would interest me, and a whole lot of culture change.

As I was approaching my graduation from high school I knew I was excited about what college would be like, but I can't say I could have predicted any of the things that I experienced over the last year. If you talked to me my junior year of high school you would have heard my whole speech about not wanting to go to college, not feeling a "need" to go "if I didn't even know what I wanted to do", and you would have heard me say that college is just "not my thing." But God had another plan up his sleeve, and He knew that I was not about to miss out on what Asbury had in store for me. He inspired me to go after Asbury and study PR. He lit my path in a way that I could not say no to it. It was too beautiful, it was too filled with God's promises, that I would have been a fool to say no. And I am so glad I said yes.

College can really change you a lot if you allow it to. And I don't think you can even prepare yourself for it - no matter how hard you try. But never let your plans for your life get in the way of seeing what plans God has for you when you're willing to let go of your own.

The Only Thing I Can Truly Boast About

I am just going to be honestly blunt here: I woke up cranky and uninspired this morning. I found a way to make the smallest things into the "worst day ever" speech and I did not feel like doing anything for anybody. This morning was about me and how cranky I was and how much I did not want to do anything or be anything for anybody else. And even though I knew I was being wrong and sinful and selfish about everything in my attitude this morning, I did not want to give it up and fix myself. Pride got in the way, and I wanted my day to go as I wanted it to. Well, God had different plans. He had plans to give me a different attitude.

I spent over half of my day with this attitude - a cranky mood and a selfish heart. I do this thing where my stubbornness takes over (quite often) and when I am in a bad mood I just want to stay in that bad mood because I do not want someone to come in and fix me. Even if I'm wrong, I'm right because it's what I am choosing to be right now. It's ridiculous, I know. It's a problem.

I finally started to realize my need to humble myself by about half way through the day. I work in the library processing the books that go onto the shelves. It's a pretty mindless job, and I like it because it's productive but also gives me an hour or two every day where I can just sit and think or listen to music and relax. I don't have to worry about much when I'm working, but I also end up thinking about a lot at work because of the relaxed and quiet environment. At work is where I do a lot of my heart checks with God. Today was one of those days that I just wanted to zone out into my music and not think and not analyze myself. But even through my attempt to block out the world, God gave me Colossians 3:23 which says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men," and I just kept hearing those words being repeated over and over. I couldn't shake them away. God was seeping through my walls and telling me I needed a change of heart.

I began to look at how my day had gone up until that point. What was I doing (or not doing), and who was it for? I was not doing much, and whatever I did do I was doing for myself. Not quite the answer I should have had. I will not say I am proud of that answer. But it was a necessary realization of the kind of person I was being today - and that is not someone that I want to be. A few verses down in Colossians 4:5-6 Paul says, "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Wow, can you say conviction? What was every one seeing in me today? Was I being a true ambassador of Christ or was I an embarrassment to His name today? I don't think I was shining Jesus a whole lot this morning to be honest.

I was reminded then of the prayer my friend Emily prayed for me this morning in our InReach meeting. She prayed for me as a leader, and one thing she mentioned was that I had evident joy, and she prayed that my joy would spread to others. Where was that joy today? What was I spreading if I wasn't spreading joy? I'm afraid to see the results of what I was sending out today. I regret the moments I let go by where I missed a chance to spread God's love and the joy that only He can give. It wasn't just that I was being cranky and I believe that joy and happiness are a different thing, though they do often come together. It was more a matter of I wasn't being Christ-like at all, and I believe that when I am in Christ are the days when His joy is most evident in my life and that's where He uses me in my daily life. My selfishness and stubbornness got in the way of me being open to God using me today, and that's not how I want to live my life at all.

I am a spiritual leader on my hall in my dorm this year, and our theme is about sin and redemption (to put it plainly). I shared on Tuesday about the beast within each of us and how our sin makes us beasts. In God's plan to continue to humble me, He gave me a challenge. The beast in me was evident today, and I am ashamed to admit that, but I am not ashamed to admit that I have a Savior who died on the cross for me in all my gritty stubborn ugly beastliness so that I could be better than the beast that I naturally become in my sin. I have a God who wants more for me than who I am today, but loves me still, and He is relentless in His love for me. His love is a special love that changes me in my ugliest moments, and of that I will never be ashamed. As Paul clearly and boldly put it in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me," I will boast in God's grace and power because aside from that I am no good. God had been knocking and yelling at me and tapping my shoulder patiently the whole morning saying, "Amelia... look at yourself. You're not doing today right." And I am so thankful for a God who is persistent and patient when it comes to my stubborn selfishness. I need someone who won't give up on me, and He has always done that for me. I would be lost without a God who is loving and patient.

The What-Ifs of a TCK Life

I try to be honest when I write on this blog, and today I have to be honest with you, my readers, about some of my human flaws. I don't know if this will be a happy, neutral, or sad post, but it's something that has been on my heart lately.

I have to admit that I have spent a lot of time wondering what my life could have looked like. I wonder things like who would I be, what would my life be like, and where would I be now if I had never moved overseas to Indonesia and instead spent all my years in the States. Actually, I think a lot of us think about what life "would have been like" if we had not done this or gone there. It's a natural human reaction to think about "what ifs" and dream of a different life. But it's also a human reaction that shows our ungratefulness and regret. It's a broken system, an unrealistic world that will never be because all that time is past. I never really feel fulfilled when I think about the what ifs of life, instead it usually leaves me feeling emptier and kind of sad, yet for some reason I still like to entertain that aspect of life regardless.

Some of my what ifs are somewhat realistic, and some... not so much. Some are dreams of less heartache of missing people because - in my theoretical dream life of what ifs - I only know the people in my town or state, and the rest are at least in the same country that I am in. And for me, just the same country is sometimes enough for me to feel closer. Some are dreams of having gotten to be in a big high school and be a "normal" teenager growing up in a normal high school where it's not a small bubble where everyone knows your business and getting to go to prom. Some are dreams of getting to go through driver's ed (even though it's awful, I hear) and getting my license when I turned 16. Some are dreams of getting to grow up with my best friend next door and be friends with someone I have known my whole life. Instead, I get to meet new people every 10 years, and no one is a "life-long" best friend. Some are dreams of getting to play on the 4th and 5th graders' playground at Monroe Elementary, because I had to move away before I got to move up. Some are dreams of getting to have my grandparents and aunts and uncles at my graduation, because at least they wouldn't have to spend a lot of money and travel half way across the world to get there. I often get stuck in trying to imagine what it would feel like to know where "home" is, and not just trying to figure out some abstract perspective of it, or trying to accept that I don't have a home, or trying to come up with a five part answer to the question "so, where are you from?"

Sometimes I am thankful that my family remained fairly "western" when we lived in Indonesia. Sometimes, though, I feel like an in between TCK who isn't quite American but isn't quite influenced by the Indonesian culture either. I have a lot of American TCK friends who are more Indonesian than I am, even if they were not in Indonesia longer than I was. Even they make me feel like I don't belong. They know more of the language, they love the food more, they lived closer to the locals and had relationships with them that I couldn't really have. I learned a lot of the language, but not as much as they did. Their parents grew up in Indonesia and have generations of influence, but my parents were in Indonesia as long as I was. They know more Indonesian songs, and make fun of dangdut in a way that I can't fully understand. I feel like I don't know where I belong on the "TCK chart."

I just don't know how to feel sometimes when I don't fit in with Americans like I'm "supposed to" and when I don't fit in with TCKs who grew up with me in Indonesia either. It is easy to complain when I compare my life to someone else's life. It is easy to complain and compare when I'm in the middle of a lifestyle that is already a middle of two worlds. But does that give me any excuse to justify my complaints and justify dreaming of a different life? No, it absolutely does not. I am still being ungrateful when I wish for a different life, and I am still being sinful when I don't thank God for every blessing and hardship he has given me. He has given me life and for that alone I should be grateful. God did not give me my life so that I could complain and wish for something different. God gave me my life, and all the unique things about it, so that I could have my own place in this world to be a part of other peoples' lives and make my own mark on the world.

Maybe these are all okay things to miss. Maybe not being a TCK would bore me to death and I would have spent my whole life wishing for something more, craving something other than a non-TCK life. Perhaps I am a little bit disillusioned at what a non-TCK's life is like. Maybe if I had gotten these things in my life, it would have been a good thing - but maybe it would have been really, really bad for me. I have heard before that when God says no to something in your life, he is protecting you from something worse than what is going to happen to you. It's not important for me to figure out. In fact, the answer to what would have happened is not anything I need to figure out. What difference will it make in my life?

 God has given me an incredible life - through the good times and the bad times - and I should be thanking Him for each day of breath that He has granted me. I should be thankful for the culture that I got to experience first-hand, the food I got to eat, the relationships I made, and the person all my experiences have made me today. Each direction my life has gone has been tailored perfectly for what I have needed because my God knows me better than anyone, and He is my life-long best friend that I have always had. He is my Home, and all of those dreams of a what if world are meaningless when I look at what God has done in my life and as I can only imagine what else He is going to do.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, 

he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk

 through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me 

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

{Psalm 23}

Redefinition

Did you know that you can look up the word "definition" in a dictionary and receive an answer? It seems a bit redundant to me, but I guess I can see there being a need for it just for definition sake. But did you also know that if you look up the definition of "definition" that one of the answers you will get is, "a statement expressing the essential nature of something." That's all it is - I know, I was not surprised either. Although, I don't really know what I expected to get otherwise. My point is, I looked up "definition" because I wanted to know what actually qualified something as a definition. It seems words, laws, trends, and all things society have been adjusted accordingly to how someone wants the said thing to be defined. Is definition something I can create for myself then? If you really want me to go on a word spree about that, just send me back to Mr. Schaffer's 11th and 12th grade AP English classes (because I would love to talk to him about that!).

No, where I am going to go with that, is towards what things have meant for me - what they have been defined as for me - over the course of my life. Since I moved back to the United States a little over a year ago, I have had quite a few moments of culture shock and transition chaos and pain. [And not to mention, I made it 11 months in the States before I left it again - not even a whole year (ugh)!] I have written about some of it, and I have talked to friends about a lot, and kept a good bit of it to myself. But one thing that really got to me near the end of this last semester of freshman year of university was realizing what things mean to me now.

I spent a lot of time during my 11th and 12th grade years of high school preparing for and thinking about what my first year of college would look like, and what the summer before it would look like. I could see it: the summer would mean my sister's wedding, the MK transition seminar at Cedarville for 2 weeks, spend time in Janesville with my sister and new brother-in-law, figure out how to get to Kentucky for school, and pack all my stuff up to move into a dorm room, and then the school year would just be something I would have to figure out like every other "normal" high school graduate does - there was nothing too different about that, right?

But not once did I think about what the summer after freshman year would look like. I can honestly say I did not prepare for that one bit. It hit me near the middle of the spring semester when people began talking about their summer plans and going home for the summer and getting their summer job back and spending time with friends and family. I held my breath during those conversations a lot because I was afraid to be asked what my summer plans were because, frankly, I didn't have any plans. I didn't even have friends to plan summer things to do with because all my friends are spread out across the globe - literally! I had 4 different locations to go if I wanted to visit any of my immediate family members, or I could just stay in Kentucky for the summer. I really did not know.

I had joked with my friend Amanda about coming to Canada with her at some point, and as summer neared, it became a reality and we started planning our summer together. As I began packing up and figuring out my passport stuff, it all began to really hit me: this was all mostly new to me. Suddenly the end of the school year and graduation did not necessarily mean extreme heartbreak and long-expected goodbyes to people who were going across the globe. Suddenly packing for summer meant find somewhere called "home" to store my entire dorm room of stuff and pack what I need for 3 months, and it no longer meant grab this red suitcase and pack less than 50 pounds of whatever you need for the summer as we drive around the United States visiting people. Suddenly going out of the country by myself "just for fun" was an option and my summer plans were focused mostly on just me and not really influenced by 4 other family members' plans for the summer. I wasn't playing tag-along anymore. I wasn't playing the red suitcase game anymore.

Being in university, being an adult, and (for a part of the year) living on my own means a lot of redefinition. If I had not made any summer plans for myself, I would be in a bit of chaos. I like the independence that comes with moving out and going to university, I like the opportunities that I am given to spend half of a summer in Canada, and I have really learned to appreciate kind and generous people who will let me store over half of my belongings in their basement and people who will house and feed me for two months.

It is sort of intimidating and scary to realize how much I am on my own right now, but I know that this may not last forever and I should really take advantage of the time and freedom and independence that I have now. With each new step of in my life, I am redefining what the end of each school year means for me. I am redefining what summer means and packing means, and I am constantly redefining what "home" means. I get to chose what the essential nature of these things mean for me, while it may mean something completely different for someone else. I am thankful that things will not always be as they were, while also a little bit sad that some things will never be the same. Life comes with change, and if we can't accept that and embrace it, how are we going to every fully live life for what it can offer us?

The Infamous Passport Story

For as long as I can remember, one of my favorite verses in Scripture has been Proverbs 19:21 which says, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." There is so much security in that verse, so much that just puts my heart at rest in almost any circumstance. This verse never fails to ring true for me, and just last week I had a very character-building experience with God's purpose versus my plan (not that it's anything new for Him to do!).

My plan last week was thrown completely off track for a few days. I had planned to be in Canada by the Saturday before last week as soon as finals were finished for Freshman year. I was going to drive with Amanda to Lousiville for a night, then off to Niagara. But we had one very significant problem: I had no passport and therefore no way to cross the border into a different country. It was in the mail, and it was supposed to have been there by that Tuesday or Wednesday, but we kept checking the mail, and it never came. Wednesday afternoon, two days before we were supposed to leave, we sat down together and prayed over the situation - that the passport would come, that we would have patience, and that whatever happened, we would know what to do. I called the passport agency and talked to a guy who we like to describe as "talking to Jesus". He was so helpful and just helped me not stress about the situation so much. The next eight times I called over the next few days were not so helpful and stress-relieving, but we knew that God was watching over us and He had a better plan for us. My passport came by that following Tuesday afternoon and we finally left for Canada on Wednesday morning, but boy, was that an adventure for us both.

I can only imagine what we were being protected from by not being able to go to Canada when we did. Or maybe we weren't being protected from anything and God just wanted to teach us a few things and bless us a little bit more in Wilmore. I can say without a doubt that He taught me a lot.

I think the most obvious lesson was patience. It took me a lot of patience to call the passport agency as many times as I did - especially when it came to talking to the guy who, by that time, knew less about how the conversation should go than I did (I just wanted to direct the whole conversation at that point as I had done it over and over and over). It took me a lot of patience to sit and wait for something that I had no secure information about as far as what to expect. We didn't know whether to plan for one day of entertainment and housing, or three days.

Another lesson was trusting God and his provision. He surely showed me a lot of grace through this and he showed me so much love and care. I have never been so thankful for easy-going and generous people in my life. We were moved out of the dorms Thursday afternoon and had everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) packed into Amanda's car, which meant that we were essentially "homeless." God provided a place for us to stay with my cousin who lives in the area, and my were we thankful for that! We even had a few other people offer up their houses for us to stay. We had meals every day, and a bed to sleep in - things that we suddenly did not need to worry about.

Amanda and I learned a lot about living one day at a time. We learned about trusting God one day at a time. We learned about waiting for God's provision in His timing. We learned about being grateful and patient. And we certainly learned how to work together through a very frustrating situation.

This wasn't a great experience, that is for sure, but it was a growing one. And if I can grow as a person out of waiting for a passport to come, I can say it was worth the frustration and delays. Although we were held back from our plans and getting Amanda back home for a few days, God gave us so much in the process. He gave us more time with some people, he gave us a trip to the Cincinnati zoo, he gave us time to just relax and do nothing, and he gave us a learning experience.

I am pretty certain that if I had decided to just mope around for those 8 days waiting for my passport to come, I would not have had the same positive feelings about the whole thing - and that would have been a waste. I'm thankful for a God who loves me and cares for me and will put me through hardships to grow me as a person. It's not fun, but I'm better because of it - and it gave me something new to blog about!

You see, I had many plans in my heart and I was very set on them happening in MY time. But God has a greater plan for me, and His purpose prevailed. I would rather my life be guided by His hands and His perfect plan than my selfish desires to have a good time. He knows more about what I need than I do - and I didn't even realize how much I needed to be humbled by this experience. I'm thankful for a God who knows what to do for me to make me a better person. I'm thankful for a God who hold me in his hands no matter where I am.

Tips for Third Culture Kids [Entering College]

One day last semester I was sitting in class and had this sudden idea to write out a list of my TCK moments since I moved to the States. This is not a complete list, but it is what I have so far. Maybe in the future there will be a part 2 (and so forth). I hope you enjoy this and find you can relate to it to some extent!

• Find a church. Be open, visit more than one church in your area, ask people where they go and invite yourself, make a list of what you like and dislike about each one, look for somewhere you could call "home". My church became a piece of home away from "home" for me and I gained a family inside the people who I went to church with. 
• Go to MuKappa events. If you school has a MuKappa, that is. Look for the other MKs and TCKs on your campus and find things to do with them. You may not get along with all of them, but you will find you treasure those little bits of time spent with them. Talk about your countries with one another.
• Embrace the flip flops. It will keep you sane. (If you grew up in a country where you wore them a lot, anyway.)
• Don't be afraid to ask for rides. Face it, you probably won't have your license for a couple years during college. I was used to being able to drive around in Indonesia for a while and I got to the States and couldn't drive anymore. Don't be afraid to ask for help to get places. (It's humbling, too.) 
• Learn how to tip. Tipping is confusing if you haven't been living in the States. Tipping is different in every country. Don't be embarrassed to ask your friends/peers how to tip (or you can just google it). 
• Go to a Superbowl party, even if you don't like football (not futbol). It's a great experience, you make friends, you learn about the American culture a lot, and it's great food! You don't even have to watch the game in order to have fun. 
• Talk to TCKs/MKs from different areas of the world than you. You may actually find that you are surprised by how different those worlds are, yet how much you can still relate to them. TCKs/MKs are a special kind of people, but you already knew that. It may take a little more effort, but it is totally worth it and you can learn about more cultures.
• If you get a chance to, carry your country's flag at an event/ceremony. It may be a bit embarrassing and the flag may slap you in the face as you walk through the chapel aisles, but it's a great experience and you get to show people where you're from. 
• Teach people some vocabulary from your language. Some people really love learning new languages. Chances are, you're going to slip words from your language on a weekly basis and letting your friends in on that will be a great bonding point! 
• Use your language even if no else knows it. I wish I used my Indonesian more often because I feel like I am forgetting it. It's kind of fun to throw it out there every once in a while.
• Be patient with the lack of convenient and cheap public transportation in America. Also be aware that you can't really walk many places. I grew up in a country with super convenient public transportation (though not very clean) and it is weird to be in the States where it's expensive and not easy to get.
• Just say you're from the country you identify with. Some people care, and some don't care. Get over it and move on in the conversation if they don't. Just try not to take it personally. If they do care, you may get a really amazing conversation out it. Don't have too many expectations with that conversation, but take what you can get.
• Find friends who live in the area and get away from campus every once in a while. You will appreciate a home cooked meal and time in a real house, and dorm life gets a little bit suffocating sometimes. You will also probably love the family time, even if it's not your family. 
• Be thankful for soft toilet paper. Most college dorms don't give you the highest quality toilet paper. It sounds strange to be thankful for that, but trust me, you will appreciate it. It's the little things. 
• Remember that candy that you used to not be able to get is no longer as precious. Eat that Reese's Peanut Butter cup when you get it! You will get another one before the next year. And don't be ashamed if you feel like putting Ranch dressing on everything you eat. That's "unlimited," now, too. 
• It's okay to panic if you don't know where you're going for the next break. Your roommate may know where he/she is going for every single 5 day weekend and all the breaks, but take it one break at a time. Enjoy the fact that you sort of have the entire world to chose from and go visit friends you haven't seen in a while, go to a MuKappa event (like the Spring Break trip in Florida!) or try and get invited to go home with a friend from school. College offers a lot of opportunities for those random road trips you always dreamed of.
• If you're a U.S. Citizen and your passport expires, remember that this time you won't get kicked out of the country. But also remember to renew it ASAP so you can leave the country. Your passport might also become a source of ID for you for a good amount of time. Don't lose it. 
• Make sure you know where a copy of your birth certificate is. You will be amazed at how many times you need to use it as a source document for various things. Also make sure you have your Social Security card available and in your possession/close to you. You're going to use that a lot, too. 
• If you're going to study another language at school, beware that you're probably going to sit in class the entire time reminding yourself to not think in any other language. It wil be exhausting and confusing and your professor may not understand when you answer his Spanish questions in Indonesian. 
• Let yourself fall in love with Pandora and Netflix. These don't work overseas (at least most countries as far as I am aware). Take advantage of the fact that you have them now!
• It's okay if you start feeling "at home" at college. It is actually a really nice thing if you let it be so. You're going to be there for at least 4 years probably, so let it become something familiar and "homey". Otherwise you may feel like you're walking on eggshells for the next four years looking for somewhere to call home.
• Spend some time on YouTube looking up commercials from your country. Laugh and appreciate the ridiculousness of it all. 
• Google Maps will make you homesick, but use it to your advantage to look at the old familiar streets where you grew up. Find all the houses you have lived in around the world. Thank the internet for having Google Maps. 
• When fall/winter comes, observe what people wear. You're going to be cold, so invest in ear muffs and/or a hat. 
• Realize that other people have "small world" moments, too. Learn to hold back sometimes on your stories of small world connections. There is a time to share those stories, and a time to be quiet and listen to other people be excited about their moment.
• Realize that your life experiences are just as important as someone who has never left the city they were born in. They may not be a world traveller, but chances are they have some pretty amazing life experiences to talk about, too! Ask them questions about their life.
• If you see an even on campus has free food offered, go. You get food, and you could make a friend! 
• If you live in KY (or anywhere like it), be prepared for really confusing weather. Not only did I transition from two seasons to four seasons, but one day it will snow an d the next it will be T-shirt weather. Learn to check the weather report every morning before you get dressed. Layers are helpful.  
• Don't worry if you feel weird when you crave the strangest foods in situations that don't typically call for it. I often crave jagung bakar (corn) whenever I would go to a bonfire. 
• When it comes time to pack up at the end of the semester, rent a storage unit with friends or find someone in the area who will store your things. You will be amazed by how much stuff you have accumulated over the school year. Since I didn't have anywhere to store a lot of my stuff at the beginning, I pretty much had everything I owned in my dorm room. You're not going to be able to take all your stuff with you wherever you end up for summer. 
• And finally, keep in contact with your friends from where you grew up. It doesn't have to be constant or super significant (though that latter is quite nice to have), but do stay in touch. You will appreciate having those people when you feel like no one knows you or the country you grew up in. Having someone like that to text, call, or Skype can be a life-saver. 

Pain: Not as Useless as you Think

I think the moment you can truly realize that a bad relationship had something good about it, is the moment when you can see it bring something good from it. When you can learn something about yourself, life, love, or all of the above, through that past relationship, I believe you have taken a step in allowing pain and the shattered glass pieces in your heart turn into a beautiful new creation; a heart in the process of being repaired. If you can learn something now, because of something before,  you have done something right in the process.

A painful memory, a painful relationship (and I mean romantic or just friendships) should not be something that shuts doors in your heart and your life. I know that is probably the first thing you want to do when you're hurt. I know it is the first thing I want to do when I get hurt. I admit I have done it many times, with many doors, with many relationships. But what good does shutting that door actually do for you? Does it keep out the pain? Sure. Does it stop others from being able to get in and hurt you again? Sure. Does it protect you from ever feeling that horrible feeling again? Sure. It seems like a sure-fire way to stay away from pain, away from feelings, and away from being vulnerable, right? But does shutting doors and putting up walls also keep you from love? Absolutely. Does it keep you from having relationships that benefit and heal you? Absolutely. Does it keep you from being able to fully love others? Absolutely.

The point I am trying to get at here is that pain is horrible, but it is worth it if you handle it properly.
Heartache and pain are real and they need careful attention. Closing your eyes to a bad situation does not make it go away. Ignoring the fact that something or someone hurt you, does not make it all better. Pain needs to be accepted and it needs to be tenderly cared for.
I sincerely believe that when we accept the fact that we have been hurt, betrayed, toyed with, abused, struck down, or stabbed in the back is when we can truly begin to understand the purpose that pain holds in our lives. Do you hear that? Pain has a purpose. Pain does not exist to merely "ruin our lives" or make us miserable. Romans 5:3-4 says, "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." That could not be more true. God carries us through painful suffering so that we can produce perseverance, character, and hope. He brings us through this pain so that we can become better people with better hope.

I have been hearing a lot of stories from friends and going through a lot of personal revelations lately with this in mind. In the moment of its origin, pain seems utterly useless, but when you can accept the pain, offer it up to God, and try to allow it to have its way through your life, pain can really have a wonderful outcome. Pain has made me the strongest in certain areas of my life where I am so thankful I am strong in. There have been a lot of relationships in my life where I have experienced "person-hurt" and there have been deep wounds that have affected a lot of my future decisions and relationships. I did not understand it at the time, but those wounds would slowly fill up with flowers. Allowing myself to talk about these wounds and the pain I felt, has allowed me to process what went on and to see myself and my actions in a different perspective. In this, I have found new understanding to my reactions to certain personalities and situations. Most recently, I have seen where I fear, and now understand why. And suddenly those painful memories don't seem as useless as they once felt.

I hope that my words make sense to someone reading this. And I pray that my readers would be able to grasp what I have begun to learn: that pain is not useless, and, when treated and understood properly, can even grow flowers where things were once completely dried up and closed off from the sun. 

Living a Life of Worship

Do you ever go to a worship service and feel like you're just beginning to get really into it when suddenly it ends? When that happens to me I just stand there and think, "Hey worship band! I wasn't ready to stop yet! Keep going!" But I never actually say that, and they never actually keep going. It's disappointing isn't it? I'm all for listening to sermons and getting the Word of God spoken to me and explained to me, and all that is a form of worship. But the singing and the praying during songs and just seeing how God reveals Himself to me and those around me during that time just fills me with so much inspiration. I hate when those moments end because all I want to do in that moment is forever sing to my God how much I love Him and how much I cannot wait to be with Him and praising Him forever.

I have been thinking lately about different ways that people worship to experience God and thank Him for all He has done. Some worship through dance and song, some through scripture reading and analysis, some through prayer, some through art, some through sports, some through their academics, and so much more. The way I worship best is through prayer and writing (hence this blog!). I believe that God has given each and every one of us special "talents" that He made us especially unique in, and I believe that as Christians we should use those God-given talents to our best ability to offer what ever we have up to God, the One who made us. We owe Him everything we are, every breath that we breathe, so I think that the least we can do is to use who we are to worship Him.

Just imagine how incredible it will feel when the only responsibility we have is to stand and worship God all day, every day! Even if we still have to go to school, it will be a form of worship to God. Even if we still have to do homework, it will be a form of worship to God. Everything we do will be an act of worship, praising God and glorifying his name. I cannot wait to spend my every minute of the rest of eternity just giving my everything to God.

Why don't we do that here? We get glimpses of that every so often, but it doesn't stay, does it? Life "gets in the way" of us living for God. At least, that's what we tell ourselves. We make excuses for why we haven't spent time in the Word or in prayer today, and let's face it, none of those are good excuses. Everything we do should be done as an offering to God and with a heart of worship. Worship is more than just singing. Worship means to show reverence and adoration for [God]. How can you show God how much you love, revere, and adore him through the little things you do in your day?

The more we prepare our hearts here to live for God, the more people will see how much we need Him in our lives, and then we will have even more people in heaven praising and worshipping God with us for the rest of eternity. Don't you want to see that? Don't you want every loved one in your life to be with you, worshipping God, for the rest of eternity by your side?

I don't know about you, but that makes me so joyful to think about and I just cannot stop smiling! I don't do a great job of worshipping God in everything I do, but I do want to try and I want to inspire you to strive to do so as well. What better way is there to live than living to please our Creator?

Let this song inspire you as well! :)

I Can Only Imagine - MercyMe

Stomp Out the Dirt & Invite Jesus Over

God is great. Let me just get that out there! It's so overused... yet so incredibly not used enough. Would you agree with me? We say these things so easily: "God is good" or "God is with you" and all those verses we have had memorized since childhood. But how often do you sit back, really look at who God is, breathe it all in, and then let this massive grin fill your face as you truly recognize how amazing our God is? He is awesome!

It is true that God is not always that lovely-dovey God who never lets us get hurt. He does let us get hurt and he does get angry at us. Doesn't He, the God of the universe and the creator of every living thing, have a right to be angry with us when we act like complete idiots who are obsessed with sinful things and temporary gods? I think so! We should be angry at us, too!

The thing is, God told me what to do and I accepted the task. I said yes. I knew when I accepted that it was going to be tough, but I had no idea what He had in store for me. Things have been up and down and all over the place with me and God and what I see Him doing, but I know that I just need to continue to cling on to Him and ask Him to reveal to me what He wants me to see. Except, there was one itty bitty [aka: super massive] issue smack dab in the middle of my heart that was blocking my eyes from seeing what He wanted me to see and doing what He wanted me to do. I like to call this little thing "LIES".

I didn't realize it for a very long time, but there is a lot of dirt in my heart that needs to be cleaned out before I can even begin to think about trying to show other people my heart and Jesus. It took a lot of tears, a lot of my friends calling me out on things, a couple of people very hurt by my actions, a lot of prayer, a $10 concert, and a little bit of a trip through my Sea Tribe story from Senior year to get me to where I am right now. And where am I exactly? Well, I am on the road to freedom. I am on the road paved with victory and surrounded with angels who are rejoicing and cheering me on the whole time I am traveling.

You see, satan is real. And most Christians don't realize the power we have over satan when we have God, and satan uses that to his advantage. He takes us apart piece by piece, weakness by weakness. He works in the smallest details; not just the big ones. He has a pattern. I figured out one of his patterns, one of his moves that he uses on me, and I learned how to overcome that. But then he finds other ways to get to me and destroy the things that I can use to serve God. He picks on other aspects and he disguises them differently. He is a sneaky one, that devil. But God is stronger!

If you know what I am talking about, recognize that satan has a grasp on these aspects of your life and pray them away. Not only that, but pray for God to fill those spaces with Himself, so that satan may not re-enter and take away from you serving God better. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then pray that God would reveal these things to you where satan is holding on and God isn't. Either God has it, or satan has it. Choose God and cut satan off from any and every connection he could have to your life. Pray those away, yell at satan and tell him how horrible and awful he is. Tell him you hate him. Stomp your feet on the ground and squash him. And fill those now empty spaces  with Jesus. Don't let satan back in. He is stronger than we are, but God is stronger even more so than everyone and everything. If God is on our side, who can be against us?

When you know you're on the winning side, you feel victory during the battle. Rejoice in that victory and keep fighting to the end.

God First, Then the Calling.

There is something heavy on my heart today as I write this post, so things may be a little raw. I learn about myself and what God is trying to tell me when I write, so I'm going to take you on this journey with me, and hopefully you can be praying for me and be encouraged or gain some sort of insight from this. I'm not quite sure where it's going to go.

Early last week I felt a strong calling from God to do something. Last week and the week before that was just one of those times when all I could feel was joy from being in God's presence and really seeking Him out (it's an amazing place to be!). On Tuesday night I was at one of the evening services for Holiness Emphasis Week and Steve DeNeff was speaking (an incredible speaker, too!) and it seemed like every other thing he spoke was directed right at me. I remember turning to my roommate Charlotte and telling her, "See, this is what God was saying to me earlier this week! He's talking to me right now!" Little did I know, He wasn't going to stop there. By the end of the service, during the closing prayer, God made it clear that the entire talk was just little warm-ups and that He had something much bigger for me to hear. I think He was just making sure I was listening. I put my head down on my knee and began to pray along with Pastor DeNeff. But before I knew it, the prayer was over... and I couldn't move. God had taken over my body and told me to stay put until I accepted what He had told me to do and talked to someone about it. Talk about intense! God wanted to know if I was serious about following Him.

To keep from writing my entire recent-life story in one blog post, I will just tell you that God asked me to be prepared to step out of my comfort zone when it comes to following Him. I have gotten so comfortable in my relationship with Him to the point where it's so easy to talk about Him and all He is doing with my close friends who are easy to talk to about it all. It's fantastic and important. I'm not shooting that down at all. But He told me this: "I'm proud of you for coming as far as you have. I'm proud of you for drawing nearer to Me. Hold on to what you have there, but in addition to that, I want you to step out of that comfort zone and live for Me there, too." My initial response?

"I'm not ready."

And as soon as that thought came through my head and I said it to God, He shut it down and gave me nothing left to argue. It doesn't matter if I "feel ready"spiritually. It doesn't matter if I'm not reading my Bible enough or praying enough. All that matters when Christ calls me to do something, is that I listen to what He says, obey, and be ready to serve Him wherever He may put me. Have you ever heard the quote that says, "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called"? That's what He was telling me. He said "Amelia, I have a plan to use you, and if you want me to to use you, you need to stop arguing with me because you're going to lose," and he said, "I can do this without you, but you're my child and I want to give you a chance to do what I created you to do for the kingdom." Wow. He put it on me hard that evening in Hughes Chapel as I sat there absolutely unable to move until I had this conversation with Him.

A lot happened that evening with conversations with friends about God and faith. I went to bed that night feeling so encouraged and energized. I felt that the rest of the week almost. But then I hit a wall. I let my selfishness and my humanity get it the way of God using me. The thing is though, that God's plan will still go through with or without me. It will just not include me and I won't get that wonderful chance to glorify God and love my Savior and His people the way I would have been able to.

To be honest, I am still kind of stuck in that rut of selfishness and misdirection and doubt. And this is where I would like to ask YOU to pray for me. This morning in church, Pastor Basil Hall said, "If God wants you to do something, His plan for you will not change." I want to trust that God's plan for me is as He spoke it to me (and if it's not, that He would speak clearly to me what that is). I want to trust that "he who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6, NIV)

I think that the place where I went wrong here started when I tried to go off of what God told me to do... by my own strength, ability, and knowledge. This morning I realized that I need to redirect my path. I need to look to God first, put all that I have and all that I am into seeking God and living for Him  - He is all that matters after all - and THEN Christ will guide me to that place outside of my comfort zone where He has called me to. If I try to separate my relationship with God from the calling God has placed on my life, it's not going to work out. I will only end up failing and feeling miserable in my attempts. God and my calling must be one in the same. They must wrap up in each other and then be the guiding force in my life. God first, then everything else will fall into place as He desires it to be for me.

I am elated to see what God is going to do in this situation that He has slowly shown me pieces of. I made a promise to God to obey, and I want to follow through on that! Ecclesiastes 5:4-5 says, "When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it." God takes our vows, or promises, very seriously and I want to show Him that I am seriously in love with Him and desire to follow Him with everything I am. Please, pray with me as I go through this. I need your encouragement and love as I seek the path God has for me.

"Don't pray that God would teach you how to love like He loves; pray that He would fill you with Himself and that He would love in and through you. Don't pray that he would teach you to have joy; pray that the living God full of joy would enter into you. Don't pray that He would teach you how to be peaceful; ask for the God of peace, the Prince of peace to infill you. Because if you try to imitate in your own strength, you will be a miserable replica. But if you allow the impartation of Jesus Christ to overtake you, suddenly it all works because it is Him imitating Himself, and He is very good at being God." -Eric Ludy

"New Year" Resolutions

So before we start, I want to say a happy birthday to my blog! Today my blog turned one year old. Thank you to those of you who have read along with me over the course of the last year. I appreciate it so much for all the views and comments and even the silent readers :)

And now, here is my question/challenge for you today:

Are you the same person you were one year ago?

I know I am a bit late on this whole "New Year resolution" thing, but now is when it seems more relevant to me. Now is when I'm thinking about this. To be honest, I'm not really much of a New Year resolution kind of girl, anyway. Don't get me wrong, I am all for striving to become a better person and changing bad habits into good habits or starting something good. My issue with New Year resolutions is more of the timing of it and the "limits" they seem to come with, at least in my mind. Many people take New Year resolutions as an opportunity to become a better person or fix something in their lives, and that is something to be respected. But let's be honest, many of these New Year resolutions fail after not too long, right? I'm guilty of this, too. But I want to look at resolutions in a different light - away from the New Year perspective, away from the excitement of the celebrations and a "fresh start". Why don't we spend every day of the year striving to better ourselves and break those bad habits? 

I assume most, if not all, of you are not that same person you were a year ago. I know I'm not. A lot has changed in a year, for sure. One year ago today I was in Indonesia. Today I am in Wilmore, Kentucky. One year ago today I was a senior at the end of my time in high school. Today I am a freshman at the beginning stages of my time in college. But, there is one thing that I know for certain that has not changed: God wants me just as much today as he wanted me a year ago today. 

That is something I am absolutely sure of, and it keeps me wanting to live for Him. God wants me. God wants me for who I was last year, and He wants me for who I am today. The thing that drives me to keep wanting to become a better person is the fact that God loves me and He wants me and I want nothing more than to please Him by becoming the best I can be for Him. Because Christ loves me, I want to be better. The love of Christ is my motivation. And my "resolution" should be everyday to seek ways to become more like Christ.

I don't want to be the same person tomorrow as I was today. When tomorrow ends, I want to look more like Christ than like Amelia. I want to be less of me and more of Him. Each day offers a new chance for a new resolution. Take the moments that God gives you, for each moment is a gift and a blessing.

God Always Wins.

I just have three words for you: God always wins.

But, if you know me at all, you know that I can't just give you three words and leave it at that. So, here are the rest of my words! :)

The main focus of my week - or rather, the focus God has been redirecting me to every time I even blink in the wrong direction or try to turn away from it, is one of Him reigning over everything in my life. God wants me to give Him everything I have, everything I am, and everyone in my life. Okay, so He may sound clingy, needy, and naggy. It sounds like God is just trying to take over my entire life - nothing is for myself, I don't get to make any of my own decisions, yada yada yada. I know what it may sound like. But who is to say that God doesn't deserve our everything? God has a RIGHT to want all of our everything. It's not even ours to give because everything we have is only a gift from God Himself.

God has been showing me sacrifice, trust, and faith. He has shown me that He has a plan, and that His plan prevails. No matter what course I choose to take by the free will he has selflessly given me, I always fall back onto the path that God has for me. But this is only because I desire his way in my life. It makes a difference when my heart is after God's heart in comparison with when my heart is after the things of the world and my own selfish desires (trust me, I know). Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." It takes effort on my behalf for God to bring me back to Him. I have to want Him to save me and to change me. I have to desire God in order that my heart may be where it needs to be for Him to show me His great plan for me.

God wants us to love Him, but He is not a forceful God and he will not make us do anything that we do not want to do. Isaiah 55: 8 - 9 says, "'My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." God does know what is right for us, and when we give him our lives, He will carry us through it and guide us. God has been showing me His faithfulness in this my whole life, but it has especially stood out as the theme this week for my life. He has shown me this through conversations with friends that repeat with three or four different people. He has shown me through stories in the Bible like when Joseph had a dream that his brothers would bow down to him and the next thing he knows, everything is going wrong for him and it doesn't look like God is going to fulfill the promise (oh, but He does!). And he has shown me that through all my selfish moments where all I want to do is say, "God, I want this done MY way!" But if God were to let me do things my way, my life would be a disaster. It is because God knows me better than I know myself, and it is because God has a better plan for me than I have for myself, that I am thankful that God guides and directs me when I set my heart on Him.

And you know what? I just feel like rejoicing, because what I said in the beginning is true:

GOD ALWAYS WINS.

And I have nothing to fear. 

And that makes me oh so incredibly happy. 

 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'"

Jeremiah 29:11

Grow Up or Give Up

There are moments in life that make you decide what you're going to do: either you're going to grow up and try to figure out what you're doing, or you're going to give up and let things tumble down on you. In the last six months, I have had many of those "grow up" moments. Moving back to the States and living in college has changed me. But, I wouldn't trade anything to change my life from how it has been and how it is now.

I saw these ways I have had to grow up when I was much younger. Before I was even nine years old, I had to adapt to living in a completely different country. I spent my whole life up until that point living in a small town in Wisconsin with a lot of my extended family and a house we just built an extension on. In a new country, I had to learn a new language, live in a new house, get used to eating different food, having different scenery, and adapt to an entirely different culture as we were surrounded by Muslims and my school was filled with students from all over the world. When I got near the end of middle school and the start of high school, I had to learn how to grow up without my siblings who were there my whole life up until that point. I had to go from relying on them, finding friends through them, learning from their examples as I saw it lived out, and so much more, to it just being me, Mom, and Dad. That changed my life when they moved out and lived across the ocean in a different country, and I dont know who I would be today if not for that. Not having my siblings right there grew me up. It matured me and forced me out of my comfort zone of having them as fall-backs. It pushed me toward really creating my own place at my school.


The ways I see I have had to grow up faster is especially evident in college. I have to figure out everything finances on my own, I had to apply for jobs without my parents assistance, I have had to figure out how to get my passport renewed and get a new picture (in process of that currently), I have had to figure out what I need to do to get a drivers license in this country (still working on that!), I have had to figure out how to spend my breaks and where to spend them and how to get there, I had to find my own ride across the country to get to college, I had to move in to my dorm without my parents being in the same country and my closest immediate family member being at least 8 hours away. I have had to give up my stubbornness and my need to do things on my own and learn how to let people help me, and how to ask for help day after day after day. It's very humbling, I must say.


 It may sound strange and a little ironic, but one of the biggest things I miss about living with my parents is the freedom that I had to do things for myself. I could drive, I could take public transportation so conveniently, I had parents to help me figure out finance issues when the bank sends my paycheck to the wrong country (Hello TCK life!). It is almost as if living with my parents and being in high school gave me so much more freedom and security than I do now. In college I have to be way more independent, and make my own decisions more intentionally, and I have to spend my money for the food I want to eat, the things I want to do, and no one really stops me or tells me to do anything. In college, I am pretty much under my own awareness now. My parents are still looking out for me and doing what they can to help me and be there for me and continue to raise me, but it's different when they're not involved in every aspect of my life. It's strange that I don't go home and eat dinner with my parents, it's strange that I can't just talk to my mom every evening about what's going on in my life in the same way that I used to, and it's strange that I can't just sit and watch tv with my parents and my dogs.

 The thing is, most of these things I have to do on my own are because there isn't much more option.  Even if my parents tried to help, they really couldn't because they can't see what the options are really like or how Sallie Mae banking works (Asbury people, you know exactly what I mean!). They can't drive me around or take me to the DMV to get my license. And they can't go grocery shopping for me and make me a decent meal when the cafeteria has nothing to offer. I could ask someone to be my "surrogate" parents and baby me through all of this, but how will I ever learn to live on my own and fight my own battles through this?

So many moments in life when I have chosen to grow up and try to do things on my own, I have seen so many blessings and ways that God has provided for me when I am willing to take that extra brave step. If I didn't take those chances, and given up and let things tumble down on me, I would not be where I am today. I would not have survived my transition into America and college. I have grown so much in just my first 6 months in the U.S. since moving back from Indonesia. Living on my "own" has changed me and grown me. It's terrifying, but also exhilarating and I cannot wait to see how far I will come. It's been amazing to see what I can find I am capable of doing, even though I may not have had much (or any) preparation for these things. God is taking care of me, and I am blessed with family who stays close even through the distance. :)