Senior year was an exciting stage of my life. I remember feeling so ready to grow up and get out into a new part of the world and explore all that God would have in store for me. I remember feeling so small, but so big at the same time. I remember the beginning of senior year feeling like there was no way I was old enough to be going off to college, and by the end of the school year when graduation hit, I could look in the mirror and see someone who was maybe almost old enough to embrace the college world. I know it is over-used to say this, but it feels like just yesterday that I was sitting by my grandparent's pool in New Jersey talking to my cousin Jason and hearing about Asbury for the first time. God told me that same day after a phone call that this was the school where he wanted me at - and he never stopped giving me more and more confirmation about just that.
Now, I am in the midst of week three of classes of my sophomore year. God has changed me in the last year and half, that's for sure. I walked on to campus here for the first time ever last August on move-in day. I had never seen the brick walls of Asbury's campus or even set foot in Kentucky until the week of intercultural freshman orientation. I remember the quick beating of my heart as I saw the sign for Wilmore and began to feel nervous and anxious about all that was before me. If you jump a couple months forward, you see me with my friends at dinner time laughing and squishing as close as possible at the round tables in the cafeteria as we try to fit as many people as possible. You see me and a couple of my closest girl friends talking and crying together until five in the morning about what God is doing in our lives. You see me frantically making shopping lists and calling and texting people for help to set up events that I planned for my committee on the Student Activities Board for Asbury Student Congress. You see me knowing where my classes are and talking about professors like I have known them for years. It was a quick transition from high school to college and as fun as it was, I do not wish to do it all over again.
I have loved my college experience so far. I have thrived off of the social interactions and community events on a college campus such as Asbury. I have slowly learned how to take advantage of the benefits of living in America for more than six weeks at a time. My friends have been sifted and shoved and bounced all over the place - and other friends have stuck loyally by my side and we have grown together immensely. God has done wonders in my life since arriving at Asbury a little over a year ago. He has carried me through a somewhat expected roommate change, He has guided my path through various leadership roles, and He has taught me how to appreciate the way my parents raised me even more than I ever realized. Most people go to college for an academic education, but I have gotten that and much, much more. I have gotten life lessons, forgiveness, trust, a stronger faith in God, incredible relationships, a thriving social environment, new passions ignited, gained interest in knowledge on topics that I did not even know would interest me, and a whole lot of culture change.
As I was approaching my graduation from high school I knew I was excited about what college would be like, but I can't say I could have predicted any of the things that I experienced over the last year. If you talked to me my junior year of high school you would have heard my whole speech about not wanting to go to college, not feeling a "need" to go "if I didn't even know what I wanted to do", and you would have heard me say that college is just "not my thing." But God had another plan up his sleeve, and He knew that I was not about to miss out on what Asbury had in store for me. He inspired me to go after Asbury and study PR. He lit my path in a way that I could not say no to it. It was too beautiful, it was too filled with God's promises, that I would have been a fool to say no. And I am so glad I said yes.
College can really change you a lot if you allow it to. And I don't think you can even prepare yourself for it - no matter how hard you try. But never let your plans for your life get in the way of seeing what plans God has for you when you're willing to let go of your own.
Showing posts with label living life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label living life. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
The What-Ifs of a TCK Life
I try to be honest when I write on this blog, and today I have to be honest with you, my readers, about some of my human flaws. I don't know if this will be a happy, neutral, or sad post, but it's something that has been on my heart lately.
I have to admit that I have spent a lot of time wondering what my life could have looked like. I wonder things like who would I be, what would my life be like, and where would I be now if I had never moved overseas to Indonesia and instead spent all my years in the States. Actually, I think a lot of us think about what life "would have been like" if we had not done this or gone there. It's a natural human reaction to think about "what ifs" and dream of a different life. But it's also a human reaction that shows our ungratefulness and regret. It's a broken system, an unrealistic world that will never be because all that time is past. I never really feel fulfilled when I think about the what ifs of life, instead it usually leaves me feeling emptier and kind of sad, yet for some reason I still like to entertain that aspect of life regardless.
Some of my what ifs are somewhat realistic, and some... not so much. Some are dreams of less heartache of missing people because - in my theoretical dream life of what ifs - I only know the people in my town or state, and the rest are at least in the same country that I am in. And for me, just the same country is sometimes enough for me to feel closer. Some are dreams of having gotten to be in a big high school and be a "normal" teenager growing up in a normal high school where it's not a small bubble where everyone knows your business and getting to go to prom. Some are dreams of getting to go through driver's ed (even though it's awful, I hear) and getting my license when I turned 16. Some are dreams of getting to grow up with my best friend next door and be friends with someone I have known my whole life. Instead, I get to meet new people every 10 years, and no one is a "life-long" best friend. Some are dreams of getting to play on the 4th and 5th graders' playground at Monroe Elementary, because I had to move away before I got to move up. Some are dreams of getting to have my grandparents and aunts and uncles at my graduation, because at least they wouldn't have to spend a lot of money and travel half way across the world to get there. I often get stuck in trying to imagine what it would feel like to know where "home" is, and not just trying to figure out some abstract perspective of it, or trying to accept that I don't have a home, or trying to come up with a five part answer to the question "so, where are you from?"
Sometimes I am thankful that my family remained fairly "western" when we lived in Indonesia. Sometimes, though, I feel like an in between TCK who isn't quite American but isn't quite influenced by the Indonesian culture either. I have a lot of American TCK friends who are more Indonesian than I am, even if they were not in Indonesia longer than I was. Even they make me feel like I don't belong. They know more of the language, they love the food more, they lived closer to the locals and had relationships with them that I couldn't really have. I learned a lot of the language, but not as much as they did. Their parents grew up in Indonesia and have generations of influence, but my parents were in Indonesia as long as I was. They know more Indonesian songs, and make fun of dangdut in a way that I can't fully understand. I feel like I don't know where I belong on the "TCK chart."
I just don't know how to feel sometimes when I don't fit in with Americans like I'm "supposed to" and when I don't fit in with TCKs who grew up with me in Indonesia either. It is easy to complain when I compare my life to someone else's life. It is easy to complain and compare when I'm in the middle of a lifestyle that is already a middle of two worlds. But does that give me any excuse to justify my complaints and justify dreaming of a different life? No, it absolutely does not. I am still being ungrateful when I wish for a different life, and I am still being sinful when I don't thank God for every blessing and hardship he has given me. He has given me life and for that alone I should be grateful. God did not give me my life so that I could complain and wish for something different. God gave me my life, and all the unique things about it, so that I could have my own place in this world to be a part of other peoples' lives and make my own mark on the world.
Maybe these are all okay things to miss. Maybe not being a TCK would bore me to death and I would have spent my whole life wishing for something more, craving something other than a non-TCK life. Perhaps I am a little bit disillusioned at what a non-TCK's life is like. Maybe if I had gotten these things in my life, it would have been a good thing - but maybe it would have been really, really bad for me. I have heard before that when God says no to something in your life, he is protecting you from something worse than what is going to happen to you. It's not important for me to figure out. In fact, the answer to what would have happened is not anything I need to figure out. What difference will it make in my life?
God has given me an incredible life - through the good times and the bad times - and I should be thanking Him for each day of breath that He has granted me. I should be thankful for the culture that I got to experience first-hand, the food I got to eat, the relationships I made, and the person all my experiences have made me today. Each direction my life has gone has been tailored perfectly for what I have needed because my God knows me better than anyone, and He is my life-long best friend that I have always had. He is my Home, and all of those dreams of a what if world are meaningless when I look at what God has done in my life and as I can only imagine what else He is going to do.
I have to admit that I have spent a lot of time wondering what my life could have looked like. I wonder things like who would I be, what would my life be like, and where would I be now if I had never moved overseas to Indonesia and instead spent all my years in the States. Actually, I think a lot of us think about what life "would have been like" if we had not done this or gone there. It's a natural human reaction to think about "what ifs" and dream of a different life. But it's also a human reaction that shows our ungratefulness and regret. It's a broken system, an unrealistic world that will never be because all that time is past. I never really feel fulfilled when I think about the what ifs of life, instead it usually leaves me feeling emptier and kind of sad, yet for some reason I still like to entertain that aspect of life regardless.
Some of my what ifs are somewhat realistic, and some... not so much. Some are dreams of less heartache of missing people because - in my theoretical dream life of what ifs - I only know the people in my town or state, and the rest are at least in the same country that I am in. And for me, just the same country is sometimes enough for me to feel closer. Some are dreams of having gotten to be in a big high school and be a "normal" teenager growing up in a normal high school where it's not a small bubble where everyone knows your business and getting to go to prom. Some are dreams of getting to go through driver's ed (even though it's awful, I hear) and getting my license when I turned 16. Some are dreams of getting to grow up with my best friend next door and be friends with someone I have known my whole life. Instead, I get to meet new people every 10 years, and no one is a "life-long" best friend. Some are dreams of getting to play on the 4th and 5th graders' playground at Monroe Elementary, because I had to move away before I got to move up. Some are dreams of getting to have my grandparents and aunts and uncles at my graduation, because at least they wouldn't have to spend a lot of money and travel half way across the world to get there. I often get stuck in trying to imagine what it would feel like to know where "home" is, and not just trying to figure out some abstract perspective of it, or trying to accept that I don't have a home, or trying to come up with a five part answer to the question "so, where are you from?"
Sometimes I am thankful that my family remained fairly "western" when we lived in Indonesia. Sometimes, though, I feel like an in between TCK who isn't quite American but isn't quite influenced by the Indonesian culture either. I have a lot of American TCK friends who are more Indonesian than I am, even if they were not in Indonesia longer than I was. Even they make me feel like I don't belong. They know more of the language, they love the food more, they lived closer to the locals and had relationships with them that I couldn't really have. I learned a lot of the language, but not as much as they did. Their parents grew up in Indonesia and have generations of influence, but my parents were in Indonesia as long as I was. They know more Indonesian songs, and make fun of dangdut in a way that I can't fully understand. I feel like I don't know where I belong on the "TCK chart."
I just don't know how to feel sometimes when I don't fit in with Americans like I'm "supposed to" and when I don't fit in with TCKs who grew up with me in Indonesia either. It is easy to complain when I compare my life to someone else's life. It is easy to complain and compare when I'm in the middle of a lifestyle that is already a middle of two worlds. But does that give me any excuse to justify my complaints and justify dreaming of a different life? No, it absolutely does not. I am still being ungrateful when I wish for a different life, and I am still being sinful when I don't thank God for every blessing and hardship he has given me. He has given me life and for that alone I should be grateful. God did not give me my life so that I could complain and wish for something different. God gave me my life, and all the unique things about it, so that I could have my own place in this world to be a part of other peoples' lives and make my own mark on the world.
Maybe these are all okay things to miss. Maybe not being a TCK would bore me to death and I would have spent my whole life wishing for something more, craving something other than a non-TCK life. Perhaps I am a little bit disillusioned at what a non-TCK's life is like. Maybe if I had gotten these things in my life, it would have been a good thing - but maybe it would have been really, really bad for me. I have heard before that when God says no to something in your life, he is protecting you from something worse than what is going to happen to you. It's not important for me to figure out. In fact, the answer to what would have happened is not anything I need to figure out. What difference will it make in my life?
God has given me an incredible life - through the good times and the bad times - and I should be thanking Him for each day of breath that He has granted me. I should be thankful for the culture that I got to experience first-hand, the food I got to eat, the relationships I made, and the person all my experiences have made me today. Each direction my life has gone has been tailored perfectly for what I have needed because my God knows me better than anyone, and He is my life-long best friend that I have always had. He is my Home, and all of those dreams of a what if world are meaningless when I look at what God has done in my life and as I can only imagine what else He is going to do.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
{Psalm 23}
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Redefinition
Did you know that you can look up the word "definition" in a dictionary and receive an answer? It seems a bit redundant to me, but I guess I can see there being a need for it just for definition sake. But did you also know that if you look up the definition of "definition" that one of the answers you will get is, "a statement expressing the essential nature of something." That's all it is - I know, I was not surprised either. Although, I don't really know what I expected to get otherwise. My point is, I looked up "definition" because I wanted to know what actually qualified something as a definition. It seems words, laws, trends, and all things society have been adjusted accordingly to how someone wants the said thing to be defined. Is definition something I can create for myself then? If you really want me to go on a word spree about that, just send me back to Mr. Schaffer's 11th and 12th grade AP English classes (because I would love to talk to him about that!).
No, where I am going to go with that, is towards what things have meant for me - what they have been defined as for me - over the course of my life. Since I moved back to the United States a little over a year ago, I have had quite a few moments of culture shock and transition chaos and pain. [And not to mention, I made it 11 months in the States before I left it again - not even a whole year (ugh)!] I have written about some of it, and I have talked to friends about a lot, and kept a good bit of it to myself. But one thing that really got to me near the end of this last semester of freshman year of university was realizing what things mean to me now.
I spent a lot of time during my 11th and 12th grade years of high school preparing for and thinking about what my first year of college would look like, and what the summer before it would look like. I could see it: the summer would mean my sister's wedding, the MK transition seminar at Cedarville for 2 weeks, spend time in Janesville with my sister and new brother-in-law, figure out how to get to Kentucky for school, and pack all my stuff up to move into a dorm room, and then the school year would just be something I would have to figure out like every other "normal" high school graduate does - there was nothing too different about that, right?
But not once did I think about what the summer after freshman year would look like. I can honestly say I did not prepare for that one bit. It hit me near the middle of the spring semester when people began talking about their summer plans and going home for the summer and getting their summer job back and spending time with friends and family. I held my breath during those conversations a lot because I was afraid to be asked what my summer plans were because, frankly, I didn't have any plans. I didn't even have friends to plan summer things to do with because all my friends are spread out across the globe - literally! I had 4 different locations to go if I wanted to visit any of my immediate family members, or I could just stay in Kentucky for the summer. I really did not know.
I had joked with my friend Amanda about coming to Canada with her at some point, and as summer neared, it became a reality and we started planning our summer together. As I began packing up and figuring out my passport stuff, it all began to really hit me: this was all mostly new to me. Suddenly the end of the school year and graduation did not necessarily mean extreme heartbreak and long-expected goodbyes to people who were going across the globe. Suddenly packing for summer meant find somewhere called "home" to store my entire dorm room of stuff and pack what I need for 3 months, and it no longer meant grab this red suitcase and pack less than 50 pounds of whatever you need for the summer as we drive around the United States visiting people. Suddenly going out of the country by myself "just for fun" was an option and my summer plans were focused mostly on just me and not really influenced by 4 other family members' plans for the summer. I wasn't playing tag-along anymore. I wasn't playing the red suitcase game anymore.
Being in university, being an adult, and (for a part of the year) living on my own means a lot of redefinition. If I had not made any summer plans for myself, I would be in a bit of chaos. I like the independence that comes with moving out and going to university, I like the opportunities that I am given to spend half of a summer in Canada, and I have really learned to appreciate kind and generous people who will let me store over half of my belongings in their basement and people who will house and feed me for two months.
It is sort of intimidating and scary to realize how much I am on my own right now, but I know that this may not last forever and I should really take advantage of the time and freedom and independence that I have now. With each new step of in my life, I am redefining what the end of each school year means for me. I am redefining what summer means and packing means, and I am constantly redefining what "home" means. I get to chose what the essential nature of these things mean for me, while it may mean something completely different for someone else. I am thankful that things will not always be as they were, while also a little bit sad that some things will never be the same. Life comes with change, and if we can't accept that and embrace it, how are we going to every fully live life for what it can offer us?
No, where I am going to go with that, is towards what things have meant for me - what they have been defined as for me - over the course of my life. Since I moved back to the United States a little over a year ago, I have had quite a few moments of culture shock and transition chaos and pain. [And not to mention, I made it 11 months in the States before I left it again - not even a whole year (ugh)!] I have written about some of it, and I have talked to friends about a lot, and kept a good bit of it to myself. But one thing that really got to me near the end of this last semester of freshman year of university was realizing what things mean to me now.
I spent a lot of time during my 11th and 12th grade years of high school preparing for and thinking about what my first year of college would look like, and what the summer before it would look like. I could see it: the summer would mean my sister's wedding, the MK transition seminar at Cedarville for 2 weeks, spend time in Janesville with my sister and new brother-in-law, figure out how to get to Kentucky for school, and pack all my stuff up to move into a dorm room, and then the school year would just be something I would have to figure out like every other "normal" high school graduate does - there was nothing too different about that, right?
But not once did I think about what the summer after freshman year would look like. I can honestly say I did not prepare for that one bit. It hit me near the middle of the spring semester when people began talking about their summer plans and going home for the summer and getting their summer job back and spending time with friends and family. I held my breath during those conversations a lot because I was afraid to be asked what my summer plans were because, frankly, I didn't have any plans. I didn't even have friends to plan summer things to do with because all my friends are spread out across the globe - literally! I had 4 different locations to go if I wanted to visit any of my immediate family members, or I could just stay in Kentucky for the summer. I really did not know.
I had joked with my friend Amanda about coming to Canada with her at some point, and as summer neared, it became a reality and we started planning our summer together. As I began packing up and figuring out my passport stuff, it all began to really hit me: this was all mostly new to me. Suddenly the end of the school year and graduation did not necessarily mean extreme heartbreak and long-expected goodbyes to people who were going across the globe. Suddenly packing for summer meant find somewhere called "home" to store my entire dorm room of stuff and pack what I need for 3 months, and it no longer meant grab this red suitcase and pack less than 50 pounds of whatever you need for the summer as we drive around the United States visiting people. Suddenly going out of the country by myself "just for fun" was an option and my summer plans were focused mostly on just me and not really influenced by 4 other family members' plans for the summer. I wasn't playing tag-along anymore. I wasn't playing the red suitcase game anymore.
Being in university, being an adult, and (for a part of the year) living on my own means a lot of redefinition. If I had not made any summer plans for myself, I would be in a bit of chaos. I like the independence that comes with moving out and going to university, I like the opportunities that I am given to spend half of a summer in Canada, and I have really learned to appreciate kind and generous people who will let me store over half of my belongings in their basement and people who will house and feed me for two months.
It is sort of intimidating and scary to realize how much I am on my own right now, but I know that this may not last forever and I should really take advantage of the time and freedom and independence that I have now. With each new step of in my life, I am redefining what the end of each school year means for me. I am redefining what summer means and packing means, and I am constantly redefining what "home" means. I get to chose what the essential nature of these things mean for me, while it may mean something completely different for someone else. I am thankful that things will not always be as they were, while also a little bit sad that some things will never be the same. Life comes with change, and if we can't accept that and embrace it, how are we going to every fully live life for what it can offer us?
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Pain: Not as Useless as you Think
I think the moment you can truly realize that a bad relationship had something good about it, is the moment when you can see it bring something good from it. When you can learn something about yourself, life, love, or all of the above, through that past relationship, I believe you have taken a step in allowing pain and the shattered glass pieces in your heart turn into a beautiful new creation; a heart in the process of being repaired. If you can learn something now, because of something before, you have done something right in the process.
A painful memory, a painful relationship (and I mean romantic or just friendships) should not be something that shuts doors in your heart and your life. I know that is probably the first thing you want to do when you're hurt. I know it is the first thing I want to do when I get hurt. I admit I have done it many times, with many doors, with many relationships. But what good does shutting that door actually do for you? Does it keep out the pain? Sure. Does it stop others from being able to get in and hurt you again? Sure. Does it protect you from ever feeling that horrible feeling again? Sure. It seems like a sure-fire way to stay away from pain, away from feelings, and away from being vulnerable, right? But does shutting doors and putting up walls also keep you from love? Absolutely. Does it keep you from having relationships that benefit and heal you? Absolutely. Does it keep you from being able to fully love others? Absolutely.
The point I am trying to get at here is that pain is horrible, but it is worth it if you handle it properly.
Heartache and pain are real and they need careful attention. Closing your eyes to a bad situation does not make it go away. Ignoring the fact that something or someone hurt you, does not make it all better. Pain needs to be accepted and it needs to be tenderly cared for.
I sincerely believe that when we accept the fact that we have been hurt, betrayed, toyed with, abused, struck down, or stabbed in the back is when we can truly begin to understand the purpose that pain holds in our lives. Do you hear that? Pain has a purpose. Pain does not exist to merely "ruin our lives" or make us miserable. Romans 5:3-4 says, "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." That could not be more true. God carries us through painful suffering so that we can produce perseverance, character, and hope. He brings us through this pain so that we can become better people with better hope.
I have been hearing a lot of stories from friends and going through a lot of personal revelations lately with this in mind. In the moment of its origin, pain seems utterly useless, but when you can accept the pain, offer it up to God, and try to allow it to have its way through your life, pain can really have a wonderful outcome. Pain has made me the strongest in certain areas of my life where I am so thankful I am strong in. There have been a lot of relationships in my life where I have experienced "person-hurt" and there have been deep wounds that have affected a lot of my future decisions and relationships. I did not understand it at the time, but those wounds would slowly fill up with flowers. Allowing myself to talk about these wounds and the pain I felt, has allowed me to process what went on and to see myself and my actions in a different perspective. In this, I have found new understanding to my reactions to certain personalities and situations. Most recently, I have seen where I fear, and now understand why. And suddenly those painful memories don't seem as useless as they once felt.
I hope that my words make sense to someone reading this. And I pray that my readers would be able to grasp what I have begun to learn: that pain is not useless, and, when treated and understood properly, can even grow flowers where things were once completely dried up and closed off from the sun.
A painful memory, a painful relationship (and I mean romantic or just friendships) should not be something that shuts doors in your heart and your life. I know that is probably the first thing you want to do when you're hurt. I know it is the first thing I want to do when I get hurt. I admit I have done it many times, with many doors, with many relationships. But what good does shutting that door actually do for you? Does it keep out the pain? Sure. Does it stop others from being able to get in and hurt you again? Sure. Does it protect you from ever feeling that horrible feeling again? Sure. It seems like a sure-fire way to stay away from pain, away from feelings, and away from being vulnerable, right? But does shutting doors and putting up walls also keep you from love? Absolutely. Does it keep you from having relationships that benefit and heal you? Absolutely. Does it keep you from being able to fully love others? Absolutely.
The point I am trying to get at here is that pain is horrible, but it is worth it if you handle it properly.
Heartache and pain are real and they need careful attention. Closing your eyes to a bad situation does not make it go away. Ignoring the fact that something or someone hurt you, does not make it all better. Pain needs to be accepted and it needs to be tenderly cared for.
I sincerely believe that when we accept the fact that we have been hurt, betrayed, toyed with, abused, struck down, or stabbed in the back is when we can truly begin to understand the purpose that pain holds in our lives. Do you hear that? Pain has a purpose. Pain does not exist to merely "ruin our lives" or make us miserable. Romans 5:3-4 says, "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." That could not be more true. God carries us through painful suffering so that we can produce perseverance, character, and hope. He brings us through this pain so that we can become better people with better hope.
I have been hearing a lot of stories from friends and going through a lot of personal revelations lately with this in mind. In the moment of its origin, pain seems utterly useless, but when you can accept the pain, offer it up to God, and try to allow it to have its way through your life, pain can really have a wonderful outcome. Pain has made me the strongest in certain areas of my life where I am so thankful I am strong in. There have been a lot of relationships in my life where I have experienced "person-hurt" and there have been deep wounds that have affected a lot of my future decisions and relationships. I did not understand it at the time, but those wounds would slowly fill up with flowers. Allowing myself to talk about these wounds and the pain I felt, has allowed me to process what went on and to see myself and my actions in a different perspective. In this, I have found new understanding to my reactions to certain personalities and situations. Most recently, I have seen where I fear, and now understand why. And suddenly those painful memories don't seem as useless as they once felt.
I hope that my words make sense to someone reading this. And I pray that my readers would be able to grasp what I have begun to learn: that pain is not useless, and, when treated and understood properly, can even grow flowers where things were once completely dried up and closed off from the sun.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
"New Year" Resolutions
So before we start, I want to say a happy birthday to my blog! Today my blog turned one year old. Thank you to those of you who have read along with me over the course of the last year. I appreciate it so much for all the views and comments and even the silent readers :)
And now, here is my question/challenge for you today:
Are you the same person you were one year ago?
I know I am a bit late on this whole "New Year resolution" thing, but now is when it seems more relevant to me. Now is when I'm thinking about this. To be honest, I'm not really much of a New Year resolution kind of girl, anyway. Don't get me wrong, I am all for striving to become a better person and changing bad habits into good habits or starting something good. My issue with New Year resolutions is more of the timing of it and the "limits" they seem to come with, at least in my mind. Many people take New Year resolutions as an opportunity to become a better person or fix something in their lives, and that is something to be respected. But let's be honest, many of these New Year resolutions fail after not too long, right? I'm guilty of this, too. But I want to look at resolutions in a different light - away from the New Year perspective, away from the excitement of the celebrations and a "fresh start". Why don't we spend every day of the year striving to better ourselves and break those bad habits?
And now, here is my question/challenge for you today:
Are you the same person you were one year ago?
I know I am a bit late on this whole "New Year resolution" thing, but now is when it seems more relevant to me. Now is when I'm thinking about this. To be honest, I'm not really much of a New Year resolution kind of girl, anyway. Don't get me wrong, I am all for striving to become a better person and changing bad habits into good habits or starting something good. My issue with New Year resolutions is more of the timing of it and the "limits" they seem to come with, at least in my mind. Many people take New Year resolutions as an opportunity to become a better person or fix something in their lives, and that is something to be respected. But let's be honest, many of these New Year resolutions fail after not too long, right? I'm guilty of this, too. But I want to look at resolutions in a different light - away from the New Year perspective, away from the excitement of the celebrations and a "fresh start". Why don't we spend every day of the year striving to better ourselves and break those bad habits?
I assume most, if not all, of you are not that same person you were a year ago. I know I'm not. A lot has changed in a year, for sure. One year ago today I was in Indonesia. Today I am in Wilmore, Kentucky. One year ago today I was a senior at the end of my time in high school. Today I am a freshman at the beginning stages of my time in college. But, there is one thing that I know for certain that has not changed: God wants me just as much today as he wanted me a year ago today.
That is something I am absolutely sure of, and it keeps me wanting to live for Him. God wants me. God wants me for who I was last year, and He wants me for who I am today. The thing that drives me to keep wanting to become a better person is the fact that God loves me and He wants me and I want nothing more than to please Him by becoming the best I can be for Him. Because Christ loves me, I want to be better. The love of Christ is my motivation. And my "resolution" should be everyday to seek ways to become more like Christ.
I don't want to be the same person tomorrow as I was today. When tomorrow ends, I want to look more like Christ than like Amelia. I want to be less of me and more of Him. Each day offers a new chance for a new resolution. Take the moments that God gives you, for each moment is a gift and a blessing.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Smile! You're Alive!
I was just walking back to my dorm and I heard a man in the parking lot yell out, "Hello, young lady! Smile! You're alive!" and even though he wasn't saying it directly to me, I took it to heart and he certainly made me smile. It is people like him at the most seemingly random moments who can change someone's mood, even if it just lasts for a moment.
If there is one thing that makes me angry with myself, it is the fact that I will go an entire day doing meaningless, empty things. Ever since I can remember, this has triggered me. I catch myself every time I am not doing anything meaningful, and I sit there and say "Wow, I really ought to get up and do what God made me to do", and far too often I don't move. I have numerous excuses that I come up with, and I could share them with you, but that would only be embarrassing because frankly, none of them are good enough reasons. There is no good reason for me to be wasting my life. In fact, it's not even my life. The life I have, the breath I breathe, the words I am able to speak, everything I have, and all the people I know are all because of God and His goodness and mercy. I do not deserve a sliver of what I have. I do not deserve to breathe. But God, in his great mercy, sent his son down to earth to die for me, so that I may live, and it says so in 2 Corinthians 5:15, "And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again". Who am I living for? Myself? My friends? Or my God?
Do you ever wonder how those who see how you live would answer this question about you?
One of my favorite things about Asbury and being in a brand new place with a brand new start is that I get to make my own place in a community again. I didn't arrive branded with any labels. There were no expectations, which meant that I got to set the bar for myself, and there was nothing tying me down. Being here has given me the chance to decide who I want people to see me as and I have worked to make sure that people see me as I truly am. And I only hope I have been able to spark some sort of inspiration in others to be genuine, too. I can honestly say that I have never been more me in my life, and it feels incredible. God has shown me what he can do with someone who lives the way he created them to be. Why do we hide who we are? Why do we let standards be set for us by others? Why don't we let God set the standards and open the doors for us to be who he made us to be?
I have chosen to be vulnerable, open, honest, and willing. I have chosen to place my identity in God alone and to trust that he will not abandon me or let me down in my vulnerability. And he has given me so many blessings within all of that. In my willingness to live openly and vulnerably, God has given me opportunities to bless others, opportunities to change myself to be a better person, opportunities to speak up, opportunities to get more than I expected, and he has given me love. He has shown me so much love, both in what I have been able to give and what others have given me.
I am blown away by God's goodness. Through this he has inspired me to do so much more than I ever thought I would be able to do. But in all of his goodness, I find myself forgetting how wonderful he is and how fulfilling it is to live for him so freely and openly. I sink into those days of doing nothing with my life, and I waste the time he has blessed me with. I don't feel the same love on those days, and I don't feel the same passion and inspiration on those days. When I choose to be lazy and apathetic, I don't see Gods goodness in the same way, and I don't feel his presence in the every day things. It doesn't mean he is not there, it's just that I am just not doing my part. God doesn't need me to fulfill his plans, but he will use me if I am willing to be used by him. And I want to be used by him, because nothing feels greater than knowing I am living for God, and nothing fills me with more satisfaction.
So, I want to leave ya'll (I am slowly giving in to the Kentucky vocabulary) with a couple of quotes that inspire me to live out the way I desire to, and I hope they will strike something in you as well.
"No matter where you are in life right now, no matter who you are, no matter how old you are – it is never too late to be who you are meant to be.” – Esther & Jerry Hicks
And one of my favorites:
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive.” – Howard Thurman
So come alive and don't get so caught up in the busy chaos of life that you forget to smile because guess what...you're alive! You don't know how many hours you have left to inspire people or remind someone of what God has done. Let's not take the gift of life for granted :)
If there is one thing that makes me angry with myself, it is the fact that I will go an entire day doing meaningless, empty things. Ever since I can remember, this has triggered me. I catch myself every time I am not doing anything meaningful, and I sit there and say "Wow, I really ought to get up and do what God made me to do", and far too often I don't move. I have numerous excuses that I come up with, and I could share them with you, but that would only be embarrassing because frankly, none of them are good enough reasons. There is no good reason for me to be wasting my life. In fact, it's not even my life. The life I have, the breath I breathe, the words I am able to speak, everything I have, and all the people I know are all because of God and His goodness and mercy. I do not deserve a sliver of what I have. I do not deserve to breathe. But God, in his great mercy, sent his son down to earth to die for me, so that I may live, and it says so in 2 Corinthians 5:15, "And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again". Who am I living for? Myself? My friends? Or my God?
Do you ever wonder how those who see how you live would answer this question about you?
One of my favorite things about Asbury and being in a brand new place with a brand new start is that I get to make my own place in a community again. I didn't arrive branded with any labels. There were no expectations, which meant that I got to set the bar for myself, and there was nothing tying me down. Being here has given me the chance to decide who I want people to see me as and I have worked to make sure that people see me as I truly am. And I only hope I have been able to spark some sort of inspiration in others to be genuine, too. I can honestly say that I have never been more me in my life, and it feels incredible. God has shown me what he can do with someone who lives the way he created them to be. Why do we hide who we are? Why do we let standards be set for us by others? Why don't we let God set the standards and open the doors for us to be who he made us to be?
I have chosen to be vulnerable, open, honest, and willing. I have chosen to place my identity in God alone and to trust that he will not abandon me or let me down in my vulnerability. And he has given me so many blessings within all of that. In my willingness to live openly and vulnerably, God has given me opportunities to bless others, opportunities to change myself to be a better person, opportunities to speak up, opportunities to get more than I expected, and he has given me love. He has shown me so much love, both in what I have been able to give and what others have given me.
I am blown away by God's goodness. Through this he has inspired me to do so much more than I ever thought I would be able to do. But in all of his goodness, I find myself forgetting how wonderful he is and how fulfilling it is to live for him so freely and openly. I sink into those days of doing nothing with my life, and I waste the time he has blessed me with. I don't feel the same love on those days, and I don't feel the same passion and inspiration on those days. When I choose to be lazy and apathetic, I don't see Gods goodness in the same way, and I don't feel his presence in the every day things. It doesn't mean he is not there, it's just that I am just not doing my part. God doesn't need me to fulfill his plans, but he will use me if I am willing to be used by him. And I want to be used by him, because nothing feels greater than knowing I am living for God, and nothing fills me with more satisfaction.
So, I want to leave ya'll (I am slowly giving in to the Kentucky vocabulary) with a couple of quotes that inspire me to live out the way I desire to, and I hope they will strike something in you as well.
"No matter where you are in life right now, no matter who you are, no matter how old you are – it is never too late to be who you are meant to be.” – Esther & Jerry Hicks
And one of my favorites:
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive.” – Howard Thurman
So come alive and don't get so caught up in the busy chaos of life that you forget to smile because guess what...you're alive! You don't know how many hours you have left to inspire people or remind someone of what God has done. Let's not take the gift of life for granted :)
Monday, October 8, 2012
Death Will Not Stop God's Work.
October 6, 2012: A brother, a son, a grandson, an uncle, a friend, a student, and so much more - all in one person- is gone in the blink of an eye. And lives are changed forever.
On Saturday afternoon, one of Asbury's very own students, Jeff McMillan, collapsed on the soccer field and passed away. It was unexpected and a shock to everyone in the community and those who knew him. Even though I never met him, I can feel the effect he had and is continuing to have on Asbury's community. This morning our chapel service was dedicated to Jeff and I felt I got a chance to meet him - something I will never get to do on this earth. He left an impact and that is not difficult to see. Jeff is an inspiration to me, and I wanted to do something special for him, so I wrote this:
Jeff, I didn’t know you, but I know you made an impact on this world – our community especially. You will be missed. You have changed my mindset and I will be praying for the lives you have touched. I woke up Sunday morning thinking of your life and your sudden death. I have never had someone that I really know die, so you are the closest I have had. The ways that people are responding are just proof that you lived a life that was good. You are with Jesus and I can’t help but imagine how perfect that must feel right now. I can’t stop thinking about your death. Did you wake up Saturday morning knowing that you were going to see Jesus in just a few hours? Did you have any idea? Were you "prepared"?
Death is so sudden. Life seems so short. And what was I doing when I heard the news that you died? I honestly don't want to say. I did so little that day that was worthy of God’s name. I did nothing to go out of my way to love or serve anybody. I don’t want to die doing something so meaningless. I don't want to approach the day of my death thinking "oh.. someday I will be that better person, someday I will serve God as I know I should, but I'm just tired today or I'm just not ready to let go of those things yet today". I don’t know when it will come, but I can try my best to live a life that I will be proud of leaving behind as my legacy.
Rest in peace, Jeff. I pray that your life and death will leave a lasting imprint on our community and all of the lives you have touched and will continue to touch. I pray that we will not forget you. You may be gone, but your story will still go on as your legacy. Thank you for touching my life Jeff. I didn't even have to know you to be touched by you. Your life was powerful and death will not stop God from using you.
Sincerely,
Amelia
http://www.asbury.edu/news-events/news/2012/10/06/17266#.UHInRIbpLNM.facebook
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