Choosing to Commit

With no job and no where to [officially] live once I moved out of the dorms, I was left during finals week to rely completely and entirely on God for His provision in my life for the summer. Everything was either completely unknown or a work in progress. But the Lord kept reminding me of His everlasting faithfulness. He repeatedly told me that he wants good, protection, and growth for me. Today, over a month later, I have complete housing, two internships, a counseling position at the MK Reentry camp in July, and plenty of babysitting jobs to get me through the summer. God is good. And even if I had not been given all these things, He still would remain good and faithful and I would still trust Him with my life. 

But here comes the beginning of it all. Last week I started my very first internship in Public Relations and Admissions. This is what I have been learning and preparing myself in for years, but the night before my first day on the job, I began to feel anxious. I had anxiety that I would not be what they expected and that I would not be able to do what they need me to do. But God, in His all-knowing goodness, kept placing peace in my life. There was a specific verse that kept coming into my thoughts in every moment of the next few days, which was this:

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, 

and your plans will succeed."

Proverbs 16:3 (NIV)

It is a simple sentence. It is not a lengthy paragraph explaining every thing one must do in order to succeed. It is not a speech given only to those who know every thing that they want, nor is it just for those who need direction. It is a simple calling from God that we just come to Him, and commit every thing that we have, are, and ever will be to him. Success through God when we commit our all to him may not look like the success we imagine or believe we need. God's definition of success is a little (or sometimes a lot) different than we imagine for ourselves, but it is always - and I mean always - better. 

"Humans are satisfied with whatever looks good; 

God probes for what is good." 

Proverbs 16:2 (MSG)

So when Proverbs 16:3 kept coming back to me when ever I would feel the least bit anxious, I finally sat down and prayed to God about it. I committed my summer, my passions, my internships, my relationships, and everything I could think of, to God. I told him that His way is better than my way, and asked him to remind me of that whenever I began to think differently. ;) And here I am, committing all of my summer duties to God, trusting that He will lead, guide, and provide for me. Also trusting that he knows what is best for for me and what I am capable of. God knows beyond my awareness what I can do with my life, so I am choosing to trust.

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, 

neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord."

Isaiah 55:8 (NIV)

I can have expectations and plans in my head. I can have dreams, and I can think that I know what is best. God created us to be thinkers, dreamers, and difference makers. But if our desires are not lined up with the desires and heart of God, then that just seems like a waste. God knows the big picture, and I think I would rather let Him guide me than try to run through this crazy course of life all by my own rules and directions. 

"To man belong the plans of the heart,

 but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue."

Proverbs 16:1 (NIV)

Another thing I am choosing to do is to thank God for my unanswered prayers. To me, unanswered prayers mean one of two things:

1. I prayed and begged God for something that I really did not need, but thought I surely did, and He protected me from what I did not know would be harmful to me. Or...
2. He has yet to answer my prayer because he knows the better time for it, and he sees the big picture and how what I have asked for will fill my life for His glory in His perfect timing. 

Praise God that he knows all and holds all in his hands! I would be a shipwrecked mess without my Savior telling me "no" or giving me grace where I fall short. 

"Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it.

 Learn the unforced rhythms of grace." 

Matthew 11:29 (MSG)

Take the "easy"route to proper success and give God your all. If you are truly in Christ, you will thrive through His glories, but you will also suffer for a worthy cause. It is all worth it, I promise you. 

That Typical Sophomore Year Blog Post

Senior year was an exciting stage of my life. I remember feeling so ready to grow up and get out into a new part of the world and explore all that God would have in store for me. I remember feeling so small, but so big at the same time. I remember the beginning of senior year feeling like there was no way I was old enough to be going off to college, and by the end of the school year when graduation hit, I could look in the mirror and see someone who was maybe almost old enough to embrace the college world. I know it is over-used to say this, but it feels like just yesterday that I was sitting by my grandparent's pool in New Jersey talking to my cousin Jason and hearing about Asbury for the first time. God told me that same day after a phone call that this was the school where he wanted me at - and he never stopped giving me more and more confirmation about just that.

Now, I am in the midst of week three of classes of my sophomore year. God has changed me in the last year and half, that's for sure. I walked on to campus here for the first time ever last August on move-in day. I had never seen the brick walls of Asbury's campus or even set foot in Kentucky until the week of intercultural freshman orientation. I remember the quick beating of my heart as I saw the sign for Wilmore and began to feel nervous and anxious about all that was before me. If you jump a couple months forward, you see me with my friends at dinner time laughing and squishing as close as possible at the round tables in the cafeteria as we try to fit as many people as possible. You see me and a couple of my closest girl friends talking and crying together until five in the morning about what God is doing in our lives. You see me frantically making shopping lists and calling and texting people for help to set up events that I planned for my committee on the Student Activities Board for Asbury Student Congress. You see me knowing where my classes are and talking about professors like I have known them for years. It was a quick transition from high school to college and as fun as it was, I do not wish to do it all over again.

I have loved my college experience so far. I have thrived off of the social interactions and community events on a college campus such as Asbury. I have slowly learned how to take advantage of the benefits of living in America for more than six weeks at a time. My friends have been sifted and shoved and bounced all over the place - and other friends have stuck loyally by my side and we have grown together immensely. God has done wonders in my life since arriving at Asbury a little over a year ago. He has carried me through a somewhat expected roommate change, He has guided my path through various leadership roles, and He has taught me how to appreciate the way my parents raised me even more than I ever realized. Most people go to college for an academic education, but I have gotten that and much, much more. I have gotten life lessons, forgiveness, trust, a stronger faith in God, incredible relationships, a thriving social environment, new passions ignited, gained interest in knowledge on topics that I did not even know would interest me, and a whole lot of culture change.

As I was approaching my graduation from high school I knew I was excited about what college would be like, but I can't say I could have predicted any of the things that I experienced over the last year. If you talked to me my junior year of high school you would have heard my whole speech about not wanting to go to college, not feeling a "need" to go "if I didn't even know what I wanted to do", and you would have heard me say that college is just "not my thing." But God had another plan up his sleeve, and He knew that I was not about to miss out on what Asbury had in store for me. He inspired me to go after Asbury and study PR. He lit my path in a way that I could not say no to it. It was too beautiful, it was too filled with God's promises, that I would have been a fool to say no. And I am so glad I said yes.

College can really change you a lot if you allow it to. And I don't think you can even prepare yourself for it - no matter how hard you try. But never let your plans for your life get in the way of seeing what plans God has for you when you're willing to let go of your own.

The What-Ifs of a TCK Life

I try to be honest when I write on this blog, and today I have to be honest with you, my readers, about some of my human flaws. I don't know if this will be a happy, neutral, or sad post, but it's something that has been on my heart lately.

I have to admit that I have spent a lot of time wondering what my life could have looked like. I wonder things like who would I be, what would my life be like, and where would I be now if I had never moved overseas to Indonesia and instead spent all my years in the States. Actually, I think a lot of us think about what life "would have been like" if we had not done this or gone there. It's a natural human reaction to think about "what ifs" and dream of a different life. But it's also a human reaction that shows our ungratefulness and regret. It's a broken system, an unrealistic world that will never be because all that time is past. I never really feel fulfilled when I think about the what ifs of life, instead it usually leaves me feeling emptier and kind of sad, yet for some reason I still like to entertain that aspect of life regardless.

Some of my what ifs are somewhat realistic, and some... not so much. Some are dreams of less heartache of missing people because - in my theoretical dream life of what ifs - I only know the people in my town or state, and the rest are at least in the same country that I am in. And for me, just the same country is sometimes enough for me to feel closer. Some are dreams of having gotten to be in a big high school and be a "normal" teenager growing up in a normal high school where it's not a small bubble where everyone knows your business and getting to go to prom. Some are dreams of getting to go through driver's ed (even though it's awful, I hear) and getting my license when I turned 16. Some are dreams of getting to grow up with my best friend next door and be friends with someone I have known my whole life. Instead, I get to meet new people every 10 years, and no one is a "life-long" best friend. Some are dreams of getting to play on the 4th and 5th graders' playground at Monroe Elementary, because I had to move away before I got to move up. Some are dreams of getting to have my grandparents and aunts and uncles at my graduation, because at least they wouldn't have to spend a lot of money and travel half way across the world to get there. I often get stuck in trying to imagine what it would feel like to know where "home" is, and not just trying to figure out some abstract perspective of it, or trying to accept that I don't have a home, or trying to come up with a five part answer to the question "so, where are you from?"

Sometimes I am thankful that my family remained fairly "western" when we lived in Indonesia. Sometimes, though, I feel like an in between TCK who isn't quite American but isn't quite influenced by the Indonesian culture either. I have a lot of American TCK friends who are more Indonesian than I am, even if they were not in Indonesia longer than I was. Even they make me feel like I don't belong. They know more of the language, they love the food more, they lived closer to the locals and had relationships with them that I couldn't really have. I learned a lot of the language, but not as much as they did. Their parents grew up in Indonesia and have generations of influence, but my parents were in Indonesia as long as I was. They know more Indonesian songs, and make fun of dangdut in a way that I can't fully understand. I feel like I don't know where I belong on the "TCK chart."

I just don't know how to feel sometimes when I don't fit in with Americans like I'm "supposed to" and when I don't fit in with TCKs who grew up with me in Indonesia either. It is easy to complain when I compare my life to someone else's life. It is easy to complain and compare when I'm in the middle of a lifestyle that is already a middle of two worlds. But does that give me any excuse to justify my complaints and justify dreaming of a different life? No, it absolutely does not. I am still being ungrateful when I wish for a different life, and I am still being sinful when I don't thank God for every blessing and hardship he has given me. He has given me life and for that alone I should be grateful. God did not give me my life so that I could complain and wish for something different. God gave me my life, and all the unique things about it, so that I could have my own place in this world to be a part of other peoples' lives and make my own mark on the world.

Maybe these are all okay things to miss. Maybe not being a TCK would bore me to death and I would have spent my whole life wishing for something more, craving something other than a non-TCK life. Perhaps I am a little bit disillusioned at what a non-TCK's life is like. Maybe if I had gotten these things in my life, it would have been a good thing - but maybe it would have been really, really bad for me. I have heard before that when God says no to something in your life, he is protecting you from something worse than what is going to happen to you. It's not important for me to figure out. In fact, the answer to what would have happened is not anything I need to figure out. What difference will it make in my life?

 God has given me an incredible life - through the good times and the bad times - and I should be thanking Him for each day of breath that He has granted me. I should be thankful for the culture that I got to experience first-hand, the food I got to eat, the relationships I made, and the person all my experiences have made me today. Each direction my life has gone has been tailored perfectly for what I have needed because my God knows me better than anyone, and He is my life-long best friend that I have always had. He is my Home, and all of those dreams of a what if world are meaningless when I look at what God has done in my life and as I can only imagine what else He is going to do.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, 

he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk

 through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me 

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

{Psalm 23}

Redefinition

Did you know that you can look up the word "definition" in a dictionary and receive an answer? It seems a bit redundant to me, but I guess I can see there being a need for it just for definition sake. But did you also know that if you look up the definition of "definition" that one of the answers you will get is, "a statement expressing the essential nature of something." That's all it is - I know, I was not surprised either. Although, I don't really know what I expected to get otherwise. My point is, I looked up "definition" because I wanted to know what actually qualified something as a definition. It seems words, laws, trends, and all things society have been adjusted accordingly to how someone wants the said thing to be defined. Is definition something I can create for myself then? If you really want me to go on a word spree about that, just send me back to Mr. Schaffer's 11th and 12th grade AP English classes (because I would love to talk to him about that!).

No, where I am going to go with that, is towards what things have meant for me - what they have been defined as for me - over the course of my life. Since I moved back to the United States a little over a year ago, I have had quite a few moments of culture shock and transition chaos and pain. [And not to mention, I made it 11 months in the States before I left it again - not even a whole year (ugh)!] I have written about some of it, and I have talked to friends about a lot, and kept a good bit of it to myself. But one thing that really got to me near the end of this last semester of freshman year of university was realizing what things mean to me now.

I spent a lot of time during my 11th and 12th grade years of high school preparing for and thinking about what my first year of college would look like, and what the summer before it would look like. I could see it: the summer would mean my sister's wedding, the MK transition seminar at Cedarville for 2 weeks, spend time in Janesville with my sister and new brother-in-law, figure out how to get to Kentucky for school, and pack all my stuff up to move into a dorm room, and then the school year would just be something I would have to figure out like every other "normal" high school graduate does - there was nothing too different about that, right?

But not once did I think about what the summer after freshman year would look like. I can honestly say I did not prepare for that one bit. It hit me near the middle of the spring semester when people began talking about their summer plans and going home for the summer and getting their summer job back and spending time with friends and family. I held my breath during those conversations a lot because I was afraid to be asked what my summer plans were because, frankly, I didn't have any plans. I didn't even have friends to plan summer things to do with because all my friends are spread out across the globe - literally! I had 4 different locations to go if I wanted to visit any of my immediate family members, or I could just stay in Kentucky for the summer. I really did not know.

I had joked with my friend Amanda about coming to Canada with her at some point, and as summer neared, it became a reality and we started planning our summer together. As I began packing up and figuring out my passport stuff, it all began to really hit me: this was all mostly new to me. Suddenly the end of the school year and graduation did not necessarily mean extreme heartbreak and long-expected goodbyes to people who were going across the globe. Suddenly packing for summer meant find somewhere called "home" to store my entire dorm room of stuff and pack what I need for 3 months, and it no longer meant grab this red suitcase and pack less than 50 pounds of whatever you need for the summer as we drive around the United States visiting people. Suddenly going out of the country by myself "just for fun" was an option and my summer plans were focused mostly on just me and not really influenced by 4 other family members' plans for the summer. I wasn't playing tag-along anymore. I wasn't playing the red suitcase game anymore.

Being in university, being an adult, and (for a part of the year) living on my own means a lot of redefinition. If I had not made any summer plans for myself, I would be in a bit of chaos. I like the independence that comes with moving out and going to university, I like the opportunities that I am given to spend half of a summer in Canada, and I have really learned to appreciate kind and generous people who will let me store over half of my belongings in their basement and people who will house and feed me for two months.

It is sort of intimidating and scary to realize how much I am on my own right now, but I know that this may not last forever and I should really take advantage of the time and freedom and independence that I have now. With each new step of in my life, I am redefining what the end of each school year means for me. I am redefining what summer means and packing means, and I am constantly redefining what "home" means. I get to chose what the essential nature of these things mean for me, while it may mean something completely different for someone else. I am thankful that things will not always be as they were, while also a little bit sad that some things will never be the same. Life comes with change, and if we can't accept that and embrace it, how are we going to every fully live life for what it can offer us?

Tips for Third Culture Kids [Entering College]

One day last semester I was sitting in class and had this sudden idea to write out a list of my TCK moments since I moved to the States. This is not a complete list, but it is what I have so far. Maybe in the future there will be a part 2 (and so forth). I hope you enjoy this and find you can relate to it to some extent!

• Find a church. Be open, visit more than one church in your area, ask people where they go and invite yourself, make a list of what you like and dislike about each one, look for somewhere you could call "home". My church became a piece of home away from "home" for me and I gained a family inside the people who I went to church with. 
• Go to MuKappa events. If you school has a MuKappa, that is. Look for the other MKs and TCKs on your campus and find things to do with them. You may not get along with all of them, but you will find you treasure those little bits of time spent with them. Talk about your countries with one another.
• Embrace the flip flops. It will keep you sane. (If you grew up in a country where you wore them a lot, anyway.)
• Don't be afraid to ask for rides. Face it, you probably won't have your license for a couple years during college. I was used to being able to drive around in Indonesia for a while and I got to the States and couldn't drive anymore. Don't be afraid to ask for help to get places. (It's humbling, too.) 
• Learn how to tip. Tipping is confusing if you haven't been living in the States. Tipping is different in every country. Don't be embarrassed to ask your friends/peers how to tip (or you can just google it). 
• Go to a Superbowl party, even if you don't like football (not futbol). It's a great experience, you make friends, you learn about the American culture a lot, and it's great food! You don't even have to watch the game in order to have fun. 
• Talk to TCKs/MKs from different areas of the world than you. You may actually find that you are surprised by how different those worlds are, yet how much you can still relate to them. TCKs/MKs are a special kind of people, but you already knew that. It may take a little more effort, but it is totally worth it and you can learn about more cultures.
• If you get a chance to, carry your country's flag at an event/ceremony. It may be a bit embarrassing and the flag may slap you in the face as you walk through the chapel aisles, but it's a great experience and you get to show people where you're from. 
• Teach people some vocabulary from your language. Some people really love learning new languages. Chances are, you're going to slip words from your language on a weekly basis and letting your friends in on that will be a great bonding point! 
• Use your language even if no else knows it. I wish I used my Indonesian more often because I feel like I am forgetting it. It's kind of fun to throw it out there every once in a while.
• Be patient with the lack of convenient and cheap public transportation in America. Also be aware that you can't really walk many places. I grew up in a country with super convenient public transportation (though not very clean) and it is weird to be in the States where it's expensive and not easy to get.
• Just say you're from the country you identify with. Some people care, and some don't care. Get over it and move on in the conversation if they don't. Just try not to take it personally. If they do care, you may get a really amazing conversation out it. Don't have too many expectations with that conversation, but take what you can get.
• Find friends who live in the area and get away from campus every once in a while. You will appreciate a home cooked meal and time in a real house, and dorm life gets a little bit suffocating sometimes. You will also probably love the family time, even if it's not your family. 
• Be thankful for soft toilet paper. Most college dorms don't give you the highest quality toilet paper. It sounds strange to be thankful for that, but trust me, you will appreciate it. It's the little things. 
• Remember that candy that you used to not be able to get is no longer as precious. Eat that Reese's Peanut Butter cup when you get it! You will get another one before the next year. And don't be ashamed if you feel like putting Ranch dressing on everything you eat. That's "unlimited," now, too. 
• It's okay to panic if you don't know where you're going for the next break. Your roommate may know where he/she is going for every single 5 day weekend and all the breaks, but take it one break at a time. Enjoy the fact that you sort of have the entire world to chose from and go visit friends you haven't seen in a while, go to a MuKappa event (like the Spring Break trip in Florida!) or try and get invited to go home with a friend from school. College offers a lot of opportunities for those random road trips you always dreamed of.
• If you're a U.S. Citizen and your passport expires, remember that this time you won't get kicked out of the country. But also remember to renew it ASAP so you can leave the country. Your passport might also become a source of ID for you for a good amount of time. Don't lose it. 
• Make sure you know where a copy of your birth certificate is. You will be amazed at how many times you need to use it as a source document for various things. Also make sure you have your Social Security card available and in your possession/close to you. You're going to use that a lot, too. 
• If you're going to study another language at school, beware that you're probably going to sit in class the entire time reminding yourself to not think in any other language. It wil be exhausting and confusing and your professor may not understand when you answer his Spanish questions in Indonesian. 
• Let yourself fall in love with Pandora and Netflix. These don't work overseas (at least most countries as far as I am aware). Take advantage of the fact that you have them now!
• It's okay if you start feeling "at home" at college. It is actually a really nice thing if you let it be so. You're going to be there for at least 4 years probably, so let it become something familiar and "homey". Otherwise you may feel like you're walking on eggshells for the next four years looking for somewhere to call home.
• Spend some time on YouTube looking up commercials from your country. Laugh and appreciate the ridiculousness of it all. 
• Google Maps will make you homesick, but use it to your advantage to look at the old familiar streets where you grew up. Find all the houses you have lived in around the world. Thank the internet for having Google Maps. 
• When fall/winter comes, observe what people wear. You're going to be cold, so invest in ear muffs and/or a hat. 
• Realize that other people have "small world" moments, too. Learn to hold back sometimes on your stories of small world connections. There is a time to share those stories, and a time to be quiet and listen to other people be excited about their moment.
• Realize that your life experiences are just as important as someone who has never left the city they were born in. They may not be a world traveller, but chances are they have some pretty amazing life experiences to talk about, too! Ask them questions about their life.
• If you see an even on campus has free food offered, go. You get food, and you could make a friend! 
• If you live in KY (or anywhere like it), be prepared for really confusing weather. Not only did I transition from two seasons to four seasons, but one day it will snow an d the next it will be T-shirt weather. Learn to check the weather report every morning before you get dressed. Layers are helpful.  
• Don't worry if you feel weird when you crave the strangest foods in situations that don't typically call for it. I often crave jagung bakar (corn) whenever I would go to a bonfire. 
• When it comes time to pack up at the end of the semester, rent a storage unit with friends or find someone in the area who will store your things. You will be amazed by how much stuff you have accumulated over the school year. Since I didn't have anywhere to store a lot of my stuff at the beginning, I pretty much had everything I owned in my dorm room. You're not going to be able to take all your stuff with you wherever you end up for summer. 
• And finally, keep in contact with your friends from where you grew up. It doesn't have to be constant or super significant (though that latter is quite nice to have), but do stay in touch. You will appreciate having those people when you feel like no one knows you or the country you grew up in. Having someone like that to text, call, or Skype can be a life-saver. 

Grow Up or Give Up

There are moments in life that make you decide what you're going to do: either you're going to grow up and try to figure out what you're doing, or you're going to give up and let things tumble down on you. In the last six months, I have had many of those "grow up" moments. Moving back to the States and living in college has changed me. But, I wouldn't trade anything to change my life from how it has been and how it is now.

I saw these ways I have had to grow up when I was much younger. Before I was even nine years old, I had to adapt to living in a completely different country. I spent my whole life up until that point living in a small town in Wisconsin with a lot of my extended family and a house we just built an extension on. In a new country, I had to learn a new language, live in a new house, get used to eating different food, having different scenery, and adapt to an entirely different culture as we were surrounded by Muslims and my school was filled with students from all over the world. When I got near the end of middle school and the start of high school, I had to learn how to grow up without my siblings who were there my whole life up until that point. I had to go from relying on them, finding friends through them, learning from their examples as I saw it lived out, and so much more, to it just being me, Mom, and Dad. That changed my life when they moved out and lived across the ocean in a different country, and I dont know who I would be today if not for that. Not having my siblings right there grew me up. It matured me and forced me out of my comfort zone of having them as fall-backs. It pushed me toward really creating my own place at my school.


The ways I see I have had to grow up faster is especially evident in college. I have to figure out everything finances on my own, I had to apply for jobs without my parents assistance, I have had to figure out how to get my passport renewed and get a new picture (in process of that currently), I have had to figure out what I need to do to get a drivers license in this country (still working on that!), I have had to figure out how to spend my breaks and where to spend them and how to get there, I had to find my own ride across the country to get to college, I had to move in to my dorm without my parents being in the same country and my closest immediate family member being at least 8 hours away. I have had to give up my stubbornness and my need to do things on my own and learn how to let people help me, and how to ask for help day after day after day. It's very humbling, I must say.


 It may sound strange and a little ironic, but one of the biggest things I miss about living with my parents is the freedom that I had to do things for myself. I could drive, I could take public transportation so conveniently, I had parents to help me figure out finance issues when the bank sends my paycheck to the wrong country (Hello TCK life!). It is almost as if living with my parents and being in high school gave me so much more freedom and security than I do now. In college I have to be way more independent, and make my own decisions more intentionally, and I have to spend my money for the food I want to eat, the things I want to do, and no one really stops me or tells me to do anything. In college, I am pretty much under my own awareness now. My parents are still looking out for me and doing what they can to help me and be there for me and continue to raise me, but it's different when they're not involved in every aspect of my life. It's strange that I don't go home and eat dinner with my parents, it's strange that I can't just talk to my mom every evening about what's going on in my life in the same way that I used to, and it's strange that I can't just sit and watch tv with my parents and my dogs.

 The thing is, most of these things I have to do on my own are because there isn't much more option.  Even if my parents tried to help, they really couldn't because they can't see what the options are really like or how Sallie Mae banking works (Asbury people, you know exactly what I mean!). They can't drive me around or take me to the DMV to get my license. And they can't go grocery shopping for me and make me a decent meal when the cafeteria has nothing to offer. I could ask someone to be my "surrogate" parents and baby me through all of this, but how will I ever learn to live on my own and fight my own battles through this?

So many moments in life when I have chosen to grow up and try to do things on my own, I have seen so many blessings and ways that God has provided for me when I am willing to take that extra brave step. If I didn't take those chances, and given up and let things tumble down on me, I would not be where I am today. I would not have survived my transition into America and college. I have grown so much in just my first 6 months in the U.S. since moving back from Indonesia. Living on my "own" has changed me and grown me. It's terrifying, but also exhilarating and I cannot wait to see how far I will come. It's been amazing to see what I can find I am capable of doing, even though I may not have had much (or any) preparation for these things. God is taking care of me, and I am blessed with family who stays close even through the distance. :)

Can College be Home?

Isn't it interesting how easily we can go through life without really thinking about it? It is to me, at least.  I almost laugh at myself for just slipping into college life and new country transition so smoothly. Not an "oh that's hilarious" laugh, but more of an "I just caught myself completely off guard" laugh. I didn't expect my transition to be this "simple", I guess I could say. I have been in college for a little over two months now, and it feels so natural.

This past weekend we got Friday off for Fall Break - or as some of my friends are calling it, "Fall Pause". I left campus Thursday afternoon with two other girls and we drove to Louisville. This was my first time off campus over night, and, as much as I love Asbury, I was excited to be away for a bit and get a taste of what it would be like. We had a lovely drive there. I spent Thursday evening until Sunday afternoon at the McKinley's house in Louisville (and for those of you who don't know who they are, they are a family I know from Indonesia who have pretty much become my adopted second family). The best part was that I got there, and even though it was a pretty much foreign zone to be in, the family was not foreign to me. I was comfortable, I pretty much knew what was expected of me, I understood the boundaries, and it was a weekend of familiarity (to an extent). It was relaxing to be with people who knew Indonesia, who I could speak in Bahasa with, and talk of my high school with. The weirdest part of seeing them all now was that I was talking of people from Asbury - people they wouldn't even know of unless I mentioned them - and I was speaking of a life that I currently lived in but that they were not specifically familiar with. I have become so accustomed to them knowing who and what I was talking about.

Another aspect that caught me off guard about my weekend away from my Asbury world and into my "Indo world" was that it was weird to process that both exist at the same time. When I returned back to campus on Sunday evening, it felt like nothing had even changed. It felt like Asbury world paused and was just waiting to resume once I came back. Within two hours of being back on campus and doing tons of laundry, I was back into my same routine. Wait a second... routine? Did I just say that I have a routine here? Do I have familiarity here? Do I feel comfortable here? And that is when I began to laugh at myself. I had not realized just how much I had gotten involved in my life at Asbury. I was excited to see my own bed again and I smiled when I looked at the wall next to my desk and saw pictures of my friends and family that I love. When I got out of bed on Monday for my 8am class, I walked into the bathroom to shower and I suddenly found myself thinking, "I feel like I'm home".

I cannot remember the last time I was able to say that and mean it. The thing is, I did not even have to force myself to come to that conclusion - it was just natural. Calling Asbury "home" makes sense, though. I realize that if I were to go back to Indonesia, it would not be as I knew it. I don't have family there anymore, I don't have a house, I don't have pets there, and all my friends (except for a select couple) are no longer there. I certainly want to go back someday, but I also realize it wouldn't feel the same way it did before - it's not home-y. My parents currently live in Peru, a country I have never even seen and with people I don't know. I could visit them - and want to - but it wouldn't be home. My siblings are in Wisconsin and Texas, two states very far away from Kentucky, and I don't feel at home there either. It's not what I know.

 The closest step I have to home is Asbury. Though it is temporary - and may not even be for four years - it is the only thing I can cling to on earth right now that I can call "home". Asbury is my community, and I am happy to call it home for as long as God puts me here. I am thankful that He gave me somewhere to be excited to return to, and the opportunity to love somewhere as wonderful as this place. It is changing me, and I am going through transition on so many different levels, but I know that having this Asbury community is helping me to glide through it with ease and a genuine smile on my face. Trials will come, home is only temporary, but God remains and He knows where I'm going to next. I'm just along for the ride that He is sending me on and trying to take in what He wants to show me. I only know that my last destination will be my permanent home in Heaven, and I am elated to call that my Home.

Smile! You're Alive!

I was just walking back to my dorm and I heard a man in the parking lot yell out, "Hello, young lady! Smile! You're alive!" and even though he wasn't saying it directly to me, I took it to heart and he certainly made me smile. It is people like him at the most seemingly random moments who can change someone's mood, even if it just lasts for a moment. 

If there is one thing that makes me angry with myself, it is the fact that I will go an entire day doing meaningless, empty things. Ever since I can remember, this has triggered me. I catch myself every time I am not doing anything meaningful, and I sit there and say "Wow, I really ought to get up and do what God made me to do", and far too often I don't move. I have numerous excuses that I come up with, and I could share them with you, but that would only be embarrassing because frankly, none of them are good enough reasons. There is no good reason for me to be wasting my life. In fact, it's not even my life. The life I have, the breath I breathe, the words I am able to speak, everything I have, and all the people I know are all because of God and His goodness and mercy. I do not deserve a sliver of what I have. I do not deserve to breathe. But God, in his great mercy, sent his son down to earth to die for me, so that I may live, and it says so in 2 Corinthians 5:15, "And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again". Who am I living for? Myself? My friends? Or my God? 
Do you ever wonder how those who see how you live would answer this question about you? 

One of my favorite things about Asbury and being in a brand new place with a brand new start is that I get to make my own place in a community again. I didn't arrive branded with any labels. There were no expectations, which meant that I got to set the bar for myself, and there was nothing tying me down. Being here has given me the chance to decide who I want people to see me as and I have worked to make sure that people see me as I truly am. And I only hope I have been able to spark some sort of inspiration in others to be genuine, too. I can honestly say that I have never been more me in my life, and it feels incredible. God has shown me what he can do with someone who lives the way he created them to be. Why do we hide who we are? Why do we let standards be set for us by others? Why don't we let God set the standards and open the doors for us to be who he made us to be? 

I have chosen to be vulnerable, open, honest, and willing. I have chosen to place my identity in God alone and to trust that he will not abandon me or let me down in my vulnerability. And he has given me so many blessings within all of that. In my willingness to live openly and vulnerably, God has given me opportunities to bless others, opportunities to change myself to be a better person, opportunities to speak up, opportunities to get more than I expected, and he has given me love. He has shown me so much love, both in what I have been able to give and what others have given me. 

I am blown away by God's goodness. Through this he has inspired me to do so much more than I ever thought I would be able to do. But in all of his goodness, I find myself forgetting how wonderful he is and how fulfilling it is to live for him so freely and openly. I sink into those days of doing nothing with my life, and I waste the time he has blessed me with. I don't feel the same love on those days, and I don't feel the same passion and inspiration on those days. When I choose to be lazy and apathetic, I don't see Gods goodness in the same way, and I don't feel his presence in the every day things. It doesn't mean he is not there, it's just that I am just not doing my part. God doesn't need me to fulfill his plans, but he will use me if I am willing to be used by him. And I want to be used by him, because nothing feels greater than knowing I am living for God, and nothing fills me with more satisfaction.

So, I want to leave ya'll (I am slowly giving in to the Kentucky vocabulary) with a couple of quotes that inspire me to live out the way I desire to, and I hope they will strike something in you as well.

"No matter where you are in life right now, no matter who you are, no matter how old you are – it is never too late to be who you are meant to be.” – Esther & Jerry Hicks

And one of my favorites:

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive.” – Howard Thurman

So come alive and don't get so caught up in the busy chaos of life that you forget to smile because guess what...you're alive! You don't know how many hours you have left to inspire people or remind someone of what God has done. Let's not take the gift of life for granted :)

Death Will Not Stop God's Work.

October 6, 2012: A brother, a son, a grandson, an uncle, a friend, a student, and so much more - all in one person- is gone in the blink of an eye. And lives are changed forever. 

On Saturday afternoon, one of Asbury's very own students, Jeff McMillan, collapsed on the soccer field and passed away. It was unexpected and a shock to everyone in the community and those who knew him. Even though I never met him, I can feel the effect he had and is continuing to have on Asbury's community. This morning our chapel service was dedicated to Jeff and I felt I got a chance to meet him - something I will never get to do on this earth. He left an impact and that is not difficult to see. Jeff is an inspiration to me, and I wanted to do something special for him, so I wrote this: 

            Jeff, I didn’t know you, but I know you made an impact on this world – our community especially. You will be missed. You have changed my mindset and I will be praying for the lives you have touched. I woke up Sunday morning thinking of your life and your sudden death. I have never had someone that I really know die, so you are the closest I have had. The ways that people are responding  are just proof that you lived a life that was good. You are with Jesus and I can’t help but imagine how perfect that must feel right now. I can’t stop thinking about your death. Did you wake up Saturday morning knowing that you were going to see Jesus in just a few hours? Did you have any idea? Were you "prepared"?

Death is so sudden. Life seems so short. And what was I doing when I heard the news that you died? I honestly don't want to say. I did so little that day that was worthy of God’s name. I did nothing to go out of my way to love or serve anybody. I don’t want to die doing something so meaningless. I don't want to approach the day of my death thinking "oh.. someday I will be that better person, someday I will serve God as I know I should, but I'm just tired today or I'm just not ready to let go of those things yet today". I don’t know when it will come, but I can try my best to live a life that I will be proud of leaving behind as my legacy. 

Rest in peace, Jeff. I pray that your life and death will leave a lasting imprint on our community and all of the lives you have touched and will continue to touch. I pray that we will not forget you. You may be gone, but your story will still go on as your legacy. Thank you for touching my life Jeff. I didn't even have to know you to be touched by you. Your life was powerful and death will not stop God from using you. 

Sincerely, 

Amelia

http://www.asbury.edu/news-events/news/2012/10/06/17266#.UHInRIbpLNM.facebook

The Beauty of God's Confirmation

Insecure. Unsure. Lost. Panicked. Hopeless. Lowering my standards. Giving up. 
That was me for a while.
At the end of my Junior year of high school, I had absolutely no school I felt God was calling me to, I had a possible major in mind but it was going to be something I would have to settle for instead of being excited about majoring in, and I eventually just lost all desire to even go to school. I still had to get through senior year, but I almost saw hope in it knowing that I would probably be taking a gap year after that was over with. My attitude was not in the right place, but I honestly felt that was what I was to do. 
In fact, I became so convinced that "college wasn't for me" that I gave a speech in my mother's speech class on "Why College Isn't For Everyone". (By the way, my mom was supporting me in what ever decision I was going to make and I thank her for that!). 

The summer before my senior year, after I had already "given up" on seeking out a college, I found a school I thought was the "one" for me, and I got my hopes up again. But, God was not answering the prayers about that school the way that I selfishly wanted Him to. Shortly after that, I wrote in my journal, "I can't let this school become an idol or something that I love more than I love God. I'm getting more attached. Lord, guide me in the direction I should go. I want it badly, but take that want away if it's not of you." And He heard my prayer, and He worked in His awesome ways that He does. 

In the next entry I wrote, "For the first time... I prayed about college...I'm unsure...about a lot. I prayed that God would give me a clear sign what to major in, where to go, etc. I prayed that if this school isn't the place for me (even though it won't be easy) that God will give me the peace to let it go and trust that He has greater plans in store for me..." The beauty of God's confirmation began to show it's incredibly wonderful face then. The next day, he brought me a complete stranger who told me what to major in, and I responded with this: "It's all in God's hands, His miraculous plan. I only need to go where He leads me."

Later that same summer, God gave me my cousin's husband, Jason, to tell me about PR as well, and he convinced me to call and ask about Asbury University. I called the next day, and I was in love with the school. I had spent years and loads of energy looking for a school up until this point, and it wasn't until a simple phone call with a graduate from Asbury that I felt that instant call to go there. God told me from that phone call that He was going to send me to Asbury, and that has not changed since. He gave me instant confirmation - the first and only time I have ever felt His calling so clearly and intensely.

Moment after moment after moment, God has continued to light my path in this direction that He is taking me. He could not make it more obvious! (Well, He could, but you know what I mean, right?). I have so much more I could write about how he brought me to Asbury to major in Public Relations, but then you would be reading my blog for days. If you ever want to hear the details of it, just ask me (or maybe I will eventually write a post completely dedicated to it.) But I cannot tell you all enough times just how obviously about God this entire adventure to get me here has been. I told Him that I trusted Him with my future, and He showed me His faithfulness and goodness, and in such abundance! 

This is where God wanted me to be. He made it clear over a year ago when He showed me this school, throughout all of last year when He continuously told me and confirmed for me that this is where I need to be, and every. single. day. that I have spent here. I feel so blessed beyond what I could have imagined. I see Him here every day working in my life and the lives of those around me, and I cannot wait to see what else He does while I am here. It feels so great to know that I am where He wants me to be. I followed Christ this time, and it was worth it all. 

And now I can say with a joyful heart that I am... Secure. Certain. Home. Relaxed. Hopeful. Striving for God's standards. And ready for whatever may come my way.


p.s. My beautiful suite mate, Charlotte, came in here while I was writing and wanted to leave you all a message:  "hi I love Amelia!!!"

It just shows you a little glimpse of how awesome this community is :)