A Conversation About Your Heart

Take a look at yourself.
Listen to the voices in your head.

What do you see? 

What do you hear? 

Do you see your Maker?

Do you hear His voice?

Let him speak. 

Listen to Him sing over you. He sings songs of 

peace,

love, 

and purifying forgiveness.

He says, "I love you."

He says, "Do not worry."

Do you love Him? 

Does your heart yearn for Him?

Do you ache for His touch?

Do you fear being far from Him?

He has never left you.

He has promised that He will never ever leave your side.

Do you hear that? 

Never. 

Leave.

  You.

Even in His anger, His jealousy, and His wrath...

the God of everything has 

mercy,

grace,

and love everlasting.

He never breaks His promise. 

He always loves you. 

It's not about what you have done.

It's not about anything you could ever say. 

He loves you simply because He loves you. 

He knows every part of you. He knows all your 

fears,

passions,

and deepest, darkest hurts.

He is the crafter of your heart;

The very heart that beats inside of you which keeps you

 b r e a t h i n g, 

m o v i n g,

l i v i n g.

He desires your heart. But it's your choice to love him.

It's your choice to let him   f l i p   your whole world upside down. 

It's your choice to step into the best adventure of your life. 

He gives you life, identity, and love in all the purest forms.

When you seek these things elsewhere, you find them  i n c o m p l e t e.

But God holds all things in their proper time and place. 

He holds you in the proper place. 

He desires to use you for what you were created to do. 

He desires to draw out your passions and use you to 

                                       change

                                                             the 

                                                                                world.

Let the Holy Spirit move you to compassion. 

You are precious.

You are treasured.

You are valued.

And you make a difference. 

                                                                   Do you believe that?

Do you see what God has done for you?

He has redeemed you. 

He has given you freedom. 

He has taught you what Love is, and shown you how to live Love. 

Let Him move you. 

Let what He has done for you reflect onto others.

Love, because he first loved you. 

{1 John 4:19}

Pain: Not as Useless as you Think

I think the moment you can truly realize that a bad relationship had something good about it, is the moment when you can see it bring something good from it. When you can learn something about yourself, life, love, or all of the above, through that past relationship, I believe you have taken a step in allowing pain and the shattered glass pieces in your heart turn into a beautiful new creation; a heart in the process of being repaired. If you can learn something now, because of something before,  you have done something right in the process.

A painful memory, a painful relationship (and I mean romantic or just friendships) should not be something that shuts doors in your heart and your life. I know that is probably the first thing you want to do when you're hurt. I know it is the first thing I want to do when I get hurt. I admit I have done it many times, with many doors, with many relationships. But what good does shutting that door actually do for you? Does it keep out the pain? Sure. Does it stop others from being able to get in and hurt you again? Sure. Does it protect you from ever feeling that horrible feeling again? Sure. It seems like a sure-fire way to stay away from pain, away from feelings, and away from being vulnerable, right? But does shutting doors and putting up walls also keep you from love? Absolutely. Does it keep you from having relationships that benefit and heal you? Absolutely. Does it keep you from being able to fully love others? Absolutely.

The point I am trying to get at here is that pain is horrible, but it is worth it if you handle it properly.
Heartache and pain are real and they need careful attention. Closing your eyes to a bad situation does not make it go away. Ignoring the fact that something or someone hurt you, does not make it all better. Pain needs to be accepted and it needs to be tenderly cared for.
I sincerely believe that when we accept the fact that we have been hurt, betrayed, toyed with, abused, struck down, or stabbed in the back is when we can truly begin to understand the purpose that pain holds in our lives. Do you hear that? Pain has a purpose. Pain does not exist to merely "ruin our lives" or make us miserable. Romans 5:3-4 says, "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." That could not be more true. God carries us through painful suffering so that we can produce perseverance, character, and hope. He brings us through this pain so that we can become better people with better hope.

I have been hearing a lot of stories from friends and going through a lot of personal revelations lately with this in mind. In the moment of its origin, pain seems utterly useless, but when you can accept the pain, offer it up to God, and try to allow it to have its way through your life, pain can really have a wonderful outcome. Pain has made me the strongest in certain areas of my life where I am so thankful I am strong in. There have been a lot of relationships in my life where I have experienced "person-hurt" and there have been deep wounds that have affected a lot of my future decisions and relationships. I did not understand it at the time, but those wounds would slowly fill up with flowers. Allowing myself to talk about these wounds and the pain I felt, has allowed me to process what went on and to see myself and my actions in a different perspective. In this, I have found new understanding to my reactions to certain personalities and situations. Most recently, I have seen where I fear, and now understand why. And suddenly those painful memories don't seem as useless as they once felt.

I hope that my words make sense to someone reading this. And I pray that my readers would be able to grasp what I have begun to learn: that pain is not useless, and, when treated and understood properly, can even grow flowers where things were once completely dried up and closed off from the sun. 

God First, Then the Calling.

There is something heavy on my heart today as I write this post, so things may be a little raw. I learn about myself and what God is trying to tell me when I write, so I'm going to take you on this journey with me, and hopefully you can be praying for me and be encouraged or gain some sort of insight from this. I'm not quite sure where it's going to go.

Early last week I felt a strong calling from God to do something. Last week and the week before that was just one of those times when all I could feel was joy from being in God's presence and really seeking Him out (it's an amazing place to be!). On Tuesday night I was at one of the evening services for Holiness Emphasis Week and Steve DeNeff was speaking (an incredible speaker, too!) and it seemed like every other thing he spoke was directed right at me. I remember turning to my roommate Charlotte and telling her, "See, this is what God was saying to me earlier this week! He's talking to me right now!" Little did I know, He wasn't going to stop there. By the end of the service, during the closing prayer, God made it clear that the entire talk was just little warm-ups and that He had something much bigger for me to hear. I think He was just making sure I was listening. I put my head down on my knee and began to pray along with Pastor DeNeff. But before I knew it, the prayer was over... and I couldn't move. God had taken over my body and told me to stay put until I accepted what He had told me to do and talked to someone about it. Talk about intense! God wanted to know if I was serious about following Him.

To keep from writing my entire recent-life story in one blog post, I will just tell you that God asked me to be prepared to step out of my comfort zone when it comes to following Him. I have gotten so comfortable in my relationship with Him to the point where it's so easy to talk about Him and all He is doing with my close friends who are easy to talk to about it all. It's fantastic and important. I'm not shooting that down at all. But He told me this: "I'm proud of you for coming as far as you have. I'm proud of you for drawing nearer to Me. Hold on to what you have there, but in addition to that, I want you to step out of that comfort zone and live for Me there, too." My initial response?

"I'm not ready."

And as soon as that thought came through my head and I said it to God, He shut it down and gave me nothing left to argue. It doesn't matter if I "feel ready"spiritually. It doesn't matter if I'm not reading my Bible enough or praying enough. All that matters when Christ calls me to do something, is that I listen to what He says, obey, and be ready to serve Him wherever He may put me. Have you ever heard the quote that says, "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called"? That's what He was telling me. He said "Amelia, I have a plan to use you, and if you want me to to use you, you need to stop arguing with me because you're going to lose," and he said, "I can do this without you, but you're my child and I want to give you a chance to do what I created you to do for the kingdom." Wow. He put it on me hard that evening in Hughes Chapel as I sat there absolutely unable to move until I had this conversation with Him.

A lot happened that evening with conversations with friends about God and faith. I went to bed that night feeling so encouraged and energized. I felt that the rest of the week almost. But then I hit a wall. I let my selfishness and my humanity get it the way of God using me. The thing is though, that God's plan will still go through with or without me. It will just not include me and I won't get that wonderful chance to glorify God and love my Savior and His people the way I would have been able to.

To be honest, I am still kind of stuck in that rut of selfishness and misdirection and doubt. And this is where I would like to ask YOU to pray for me. This morning in church, Pastor Basil Hall said, "If God wants you to do something, His plan for you will not change." I want to trust that God's plan for me is as He spoke it to me (and if it's not, that He would speak clearly to me what that is). I want to trust that "he who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6, NIV)

I think that the place where I went wrong here started when I tried to go off of what God told me to do... by my own strength, ability, and knowledge. This morning I realized that I need to redirect my path. I need to look to God first, put all that I have and all that I am into seeking God and living for Him  - He is all that matters after all - and THEN Christ will guide me to that place outside of my comfort zone where He has called me to. If I try to separate my relationship with God from the calling God has placed on my life, it's not going to work out. I will only end up failing and feeling miserable in my attempts. God and my calling must be one in the same. They must wrap up in each other and then be the guiding force in my life. God first, then everything else will fall into place as He desires it to be for me.

I am elated to see what God is going to do in this situation that He has slowly shown me pieces of. I made a promise to God to obey, and I want to follow through on that! Ecclesiastes 5:4-5 says, "When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it." God takes our vows, or promises, very seriously and I want to show Him that I am seriously in love with Him and desire to follow Him with everything I am. Please, pray with me as I go through this. I need your encouragement and love as I seek the path God has for me.

"Don't pray that God would teach you how to love like He loves; pray that He would fill you with Himself and that He would love in and through you. Don't pray that he would teach you to have joy; pray that the living God full of joy would enter into you. Don't pray that He would teach you how to be peaceful; ask for the God of peace, the Prince of peace to infill you. Because if you try to imitate in your own strength, you will be a miserable replica. But if you allow the impartation of Jesus Christ to overtake you, suddenly it all works because it is Him imitating Himself, and He is very good at being God." -Eric Ludy

Smile! You're Alive!

I was just walking back to my dorm and I heard a man in the parking lot yell out, "Hello, young lady! Smile! You're alive!" and even though he wasn't saying it directly to me, I took it to heart and he certainly made me smile. It is people like him at the most seemingly random moments who can change someone's mood, even if it just lasts for a moment. 

If there is one thing that makes me angry with myself, it is the fact that I will go an entire day doing meaningless, empty things. Ever since I can remember, this has triggered me. I catch myself every time I am not doing anything meaningful, and I sit there and say "Wow, I really ought to get up and do what God made me to do", and far too often I don't move. I have numerous excuses that I come up with, and I could share them with you, but that would only be embarrassing because frankly, none of them are good enough reasons. There is no good reason for me to be wasting my life. In fact, it's not even my life. The life I have, the breath I breathe, the words I am able to speak, everything I have, and all the people I know are all because of God and His goodness and mercy. I do not deserve a sliver of what I have. I do not deserve to breathe. But God, in his great mercy, sent his son down to earth to die for me, so that I may live, and it says so in 2 Corinthians 5:15, "And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again". Who am I living for? Myself? My friends? Or my God? 
Do you ever wonder how those who see how you live would answer this question about you? 

One of my favorite things about Asbury and being in a brand new place with a brand new start is that I get to make my own place in a community again. I didn't arrive branded with any labels. There were no expectations, which meant that I got to set the bar for myself, and there was nothing tying me down. Being here has given me the chance to decide who I want people to see me as and I have worked to make sure that people see me as I truly am. And I only hope I have been able to spark some sort of inspiration in others to be genuine, too. I can honestly say that I have never been more me in my life, and it feels incredible. God has shown me what he can do with someone who lives the way he created them to be. Why do we hide who we are? Why do we let standards be set for us by others? Why don't we let God set the standards and open the doors for us to be who he made us to be? 

I have chosen to be vulnerable, open, honest, and willing. I have chosen to place my identity in God alone and to trust that he will not abandon me or let me down in my vulnerability. And he has given me so many blessings within all of that. In my willingness to live openly and vulnerably, God has given me opportunities to bless others, opportunities to change myself to be a better person, opportunities to speak up, opportunities to get more than I expected, and he has given me love. He has shown me so much love, both in what I have been able to give and what others have given me. 

I am blown away by God's goodness. Through this he has inspired me to do so much more than I ever thought I would be able to do. But in all of his goodness, I find myself forgetting how wonderful he is and how fulfilling it is to live for him so freely and openly. I sink into those days of doing nothing with my life, and I waste the time he has blessed me with. I don't feel the same love on those days, and I don't feel the same passion and inspiration on those days. When I choose to be lazy and apathetic, I don't see Gods goodness in the same way, and I don't feel his presence in the every day things. It doesn't mean he is not there, it's just that I am just not doing my part. God doesn't need me to fulfill his plans, but he will use me if I am willing to be used by him. And I want to be used by him, because nothing feels greater than knowing I am living for God, and nothing fills me with more satisfaction.

So, I want to leave ya'll (I am slowly giving in to the Kentucky vocabulary) with a couple of quotes that inspire me to live out the way I desire to, and I hope they will strike something in you as well.

"No matter where you are in life right now, no matter who you are, no matter how old you are – it is never too late to be who you are meant to be.” – Esther & Jerry Hicks

And one of my favorites:

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive.” – Howard Thurman

So come alive and don't get so caught up in the busy chaos of life that you forget to smile because guess what...you're alive! You don't know how many hours you have left to inspire people or remind someone of what God has done. Let's not take the gift of life for granted :)