There are moments in life that make you decide what you're going to do: either you're going to grow up and try to figure out what you're doing, or you're going to give up and let things tumble down on you. In the last six months, I have had many of those "grow up" moments. Moving back to the States and living in college has changed me. But, I wouldn't trade anything to change my life from how it has been and how it is now.
I saw these ways I have had to grow up when I was much younger. Before I was even nine years old, I had to adapt to living in a completely different country. I spent my whole life up until that point living in a small town in Wisconsin with a lot of my extended family and a house we just built an extension on. In a new country, I had to learn a new language, live in a new house, get used to eating different food, having different scenery, and adapt to an entirely different culture as we were surrounded by Muslims and my school was filled with students from all over the world. When I got near the end of middle school and the start of high school, I had to learn how to grow up without my siblings who were there my whole life up until that point. I had to go from relying on them, finding friends through them, learning from their examples as I saw it lived out, and so much more, to it just being me, Mom, and Dad. That changed my life when they moved out and lived across the ocean in a different country, and I dont know who I would be today if not for that. Not having my siblings right there grew me up. It matured me and forced me out of my comfort zone of having them as fall-backs. It pushed me toward really creating my own place at my school.
The ways I see I have had to grow up faster is especially evident in college. I have to figure out everything finances on my own, I had to apply for jobs without my parents assistance, I have had to figure out how to get my passport renewed and get a new picture (in process of that currently), I have had to figure out what I need to do to get a drivers license in this country (still working on that!), I have had to figure out how to spend my breaks and where to spend them and how to get there, I had to find my own ride across the country to get to college, I had to move in to my dorm without my parents being in the same country and my closest immediate family member being at least 8 hours away. I have had to give up my stubbornness and my need to do things on my own and learn how to let people help me, and how to ask for help day after day after day. It's very humbling, I must say.
It may sound strange and a little ironic, but one of the biggest things I miss about living with my parents is the freedom that I had to do things for myself. I could drive, I could take public transportation so conveniently, I had parents to help me figure out finance issues when the bank sends my paycheck to the wrong country (Hello TCK life!). It is almost as if living with my parents and being in high school gave me so much more freedom and security than I do now. In college I have to be way more independent, and make my own decisions more intentionally, and I have to spend my money for the food I want to eat, the things I want to do, and no one really stops me or tells me to do anything. In college, I am pretty much under my own awareness now. My parents are still looking out for me and doing what they can to help me and be there for me and continue to raise me, but it's different when they're not involved in every aspect of my life. It's strange that I don't go home and eat dinner with my parents, it's strange that I can't just talk to my mom every evening about what's going on in my life in the same way that I used to, and it's strange that I can't just sit and watch tv with my parents and my dogs.
The thing is, most of these things I have to do on my own are because there isn't much more option. Even if my parents tried to help, they really couldn't because they can't see what the options are really like or how Sallie Mae banking works (Asbury people, you know exactly what I mean!). They can't drive me around or take me to the DMV to get my license. And they can't go grocery shopping for me and make me a decent meal when the cafeteria has nothing to offer. I could ask someone to be my "surrogate" parents and baby me through all of this, but how will I ever learn to live on my own and fight my own battles through this?
So many moments in life when I have chosen to grow up and try to do things on my own, I have seen so many blessings and ways that God has provided for me when I am willing to take that extra brave step. If I didn't take those chances, and given up and let things tumble down on me, I would not be where I am today. I would not have survived my transition into America and college. I have grown so much in just my first 6 months in the U.S. since moving back from Indonesia. Living on my "own" has changed me and grown me. It's terrifying, but also exhilarating and I cannot wait to see how far I will come. It's been amazing to see what I can find I am capable of doing, even though I may not have had much (or any) preparation for these things. God is taking care of me, and I am blessed with family who stays close even through the distance. :)
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
A Tourist In My Own Home
An excerpt from The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
We had crossed the border and the signs of poverty were everywhere. On either side of the road, I saw chains of little villages sprouting here and there, like discarded toys among the rocks, broken mud houses and huts consisting of little more than four wooden poles and a tattered cloth as a roof. I saw children dressed in rags chasing a soccer ball outside the huts...a woman in a brown burqa carried a large clay pot on her shoulder, down a rutted path toward a string of mud houses.
"Strange," I said.
"What?"
"I feel like a tourist in my own country," I said, taking in a goatherd leading a half-dozen emaciated goats along the side of the road.
Farid snickered. Tossed his cigarette. "You still think of this place as your country?"
"I think a part of me always will," I said, more defensively than I had intended.
"After twenty years of living in America," he said, swerving the truck to avoid a pothole the size of a beach ball.
I nodded. "I grew up in Afghanistan."
...
He pointed to an old man dressed in ragged clothes trudging down a dirt path, a large burlap pack filled with scrub grass tied to his back. "That's the real Afghanistan, Agha sahib. That's the Afghanistan I know. You? You've always been a tourist here, you just didn't know it."
I have been reading The Kite Runner for a while now, and I keep spotting cultural things that stand out to me. But nothing has ever stood out to me as intensely as this passage here. The main character, Amir (sometimes called Agha Sahib), returns to Afghanistan, the country he was born and raised in, after having been exiled to America when he was a teenager. In this excerpt he is experiencing reverse culture shock - the same situation I am in now that I am back in America, although it is confusing to me because I spent the first 9 years of my life in America, and the next 9 in Indonesia. I don't know which one is more reverse culture shock at this point. I still can't figure out which country I feel more like a tourist in. And that's what got me. I found myself getting defensive along with Amir. I felt like Farid was telling me that I am a tourist in Indonesia. I felt like Farid was personally trying to convince me that I didn't belong in Indonesia, that it was never my home.
Amir is seeing all of these things about his country - the people, the huts, the roads, the potholes, the goats, etc. Maybe he does not recognize that from when he was there, but I recognize those parts of Indonesia. I don't know if Amir feels the same way I do: that I know it is my home, and I don't want Farid to try to convince me that I never belonged there. Maybe Amir and I are tourists in Afghanistan and Indonesia, but does that mean that we aren't allowed to have felt like it was home while we lived there? Does that null our memories that we made in our countries? It does not. And I guess Farid just doesn't see that. Farid sees Afghanistan the way it has changed since Amir left. Amir is not home in this "new" Afghanistan, but he is still home with his memories there. If I were to go back to Indonesia in the near future, I would likely have a similar experience: it would not be as I left it, as I remembered it, but it would still hold all those memories I made and the life experiences I had there. It doesn't make it less where I once belonged.
I wonder if Amir gets that. I felt as though I got just as defensive (if not more) as Amir did when Farid kept snickering at him. Farid doesn't understand what Amir is going through. And that makes me thankful for the people who can understand what all the other TCKs and I are going through in transition, culture shock, and reverse culture shock. And I am thankful for books that grab at my heart and make me defend "my country", even if I am a tourist in my own home.
We had crossed the border and the signs of poverty were everywhere. On either side of the road, I saw chains of little villages sprouting here and there, like discarded toys among the rocks, broken mud houses and huts consisting of little more than four wooden poles and a tattered cloth as a roof. I saw children dressed in rags chasing a soccer ball outside the huts...a woman in a brown burqa carried a large clay pot on her shoulder, down a rutted path toward a string of mud houses.
"Strange," I said.
"What?"
"I feel like a tourist in my own country," I said, taking in a goatherd leading a half-dozen emaciated goats along the side of the road.
Farid snickered. Tossed his cigarette. "You still think of this place as your country?"
"I think a part of me always will," I said, more defensively than I had intended.
"After twenty years of living in America," he said, swerving the truck to avoid a pothole the size of a beach ball.
I nodded. "I grew up in Afghanistan."
...
He pointed to an old man dressed in ragged clothes trudging down a dirt path, a large burlap pack filled with scrub grass tied to his back. "That's the real Afghanistan, Agha sahib. That's the Afghanistan I know. You? You've always been a tourist here, you just didn't know it."
I have been reading The Kite Runner for a while now, and I keep spotting cultural things that stand out to me. But nothing has ever stood out to me as intensely as this passage here. The main character, Amir (sometimes called Agha Sahib), returns to Afghanistan, the country he was born and raised in, after having been exiled to America when he was a teenager. In this excerpt he is experiencing reverse culture shock - the same situation I am in now that I am back in America, although it is confusing to me because I spent the first 9 years of my life in America, and the next 9 in Indonesia. I don't know which one is more reverse culture shock at this point. I still can't figure out which country I feel more like a tourist in. And that's what got me. I found myself getting defensive along with Amir. I felt like Farid was telling me that I am a tourist in Indonesia. I felt like Farid was personally trying to convince me that I didn't belong in Indonesia, that it was never my home.
Amir is seeing all of these things about his country - the people, the huts, the roads, the potholes, the goats, etc. Maybe he does not recognize that from when he was there, but I recognize those parts of Indonesia. I don't know if Amir feels the same way I do: that I know it is my home, and I don't want Farid to try to convince me that I never belonged there. Maybe Amir and I are tourists in Afghanistan and Indonesia, but does that mean that we aren't allowed to have felt like it was home while we lived there? Does that null our memories that we made in our countries? It does not. And I guess Farid just doesn't see that. Farid sees Afghanistan the way it has changed since Amir left. Amir is not home in this "new" Afghanistan, but he is still home with his memories there. If I were to go back to Indonesia in the near future, I would likely have a similar experience: it would not be as I left it, as I remembered it, but it would still hold all those memories I made and the life experiences I had there. It doesn't make it less where I once belonged.
I wonder if Amir gets that. I felt as though I got just as defensive (if not more) as Amir did when Farid kept snickering at him. Farid doesn't understand what Amir is going through. And that makes me thankful for the people who can understand what all the other TCKs and I are going through in transition, culture shock, and reverse culture shock. And I am thankful for books that grab at my heart and make me defend "my country", even if I am a tourist in my own home.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Can College be Home?
Isn't it interesting how easily we can go through life without really thinking about it? It is to me, at least. I almost laugh at myself for just slipping into college life and new country transition so smoothly. Not an "oh that's hilarious" laugh, but more of an "I just caught myself completely off guard" laugh. I didn't expect my transition to be this "simple", I guess I could say. I have been in college for a little over two months now, and it feels so natural.
This past weekend we got Friday off for Fall Break - or as some of my friends are calling it, "Fall Pause". I left campus Thursday afternoon with two other girls and we drove to Louisville. This was my first time off campus over night, and, as much as I love Asbury, I was excited to be away for a bit and get a taste of what it would be like. We had a lovely drive there. I spent Thursday evening until Sunday afternoon at the McKinley's house in Louisville (and for those of you who don't know who they are, they are a family I know from Indonesia who have pretty much become my adopted second family). The best part was that I got there, and even though it was a pretty much foreign zone to be in, the family was not foreign to me. I was comfortable, I pretty much knew what was expected of me, I understood the boundaries, and it was a weekend of familiarity (to an extent). It was relaxing to be with people who knew Indonesia, who I could speak in Bahasa with, and talk of my high school with. The weirdest part of seeing them all now was that I was talking of people from Asbury - people they wouldn't even know of unless I mentioned them - and I was speaking of a life that I currently lived in but that they were not specifically familiar with. I have become so accustomed to them knowing who and what I was talking about.
Another aspect that caught me off guard about my weekend away from my Asbury world and into my "Indo world" was that it was weird to process that both exist at the same time. When I returned back to campus on Sunday evening, it felt like nothing had even changed. It felt like Asbury world paused and was just waiting to resume once I came back. Within two hours of being back on campus and doing tons of laundry, I was back into my same routine. Wait a second... routine? Did I just say that I have a routine here? Do I have familiarity here? Do I feel comfortable here? And that is when I began to laugh at myself. I had not realized just how much I had gotten involved in my life at Asbury. I was excited to see my own bed again and I smiled when I looked at the wall next to my desk and saw pictures of my friends and family that I love. When I got out of bed on Monday for my 8am class, I walked into the bathroom to shower and I suddenly found myself thinking, "I feel like I'm home".
I cannot remember the last time I was able to say that and mean it. The thing is, I did not even have to force myself to come to that conclusion - it was just natural. Calling Asbury "home" makes sense, though. I realize that if I were to go back to Indonesia, it would not be as I knew it. I don't have family there anymore, I don't have a house, I don't have pets there, and all my friends (except for a select couple) are no longer there. I certainly want to go back someday, but I also realize it wouldn't feel the same way it did before - it's not home-y. My parents currently live in Peru, a country I have never even seen and with people I don't know. I could visit them - and want to - but it wouldn't be home. My siblings are in Wisconsin and Texas, two states very far away from Kentucky, and I don't feel at home there either. It's not what I know.
The closest step I have to home is Asbury. Though it is temporary - and may not even be for four years - it is the only thing I can cling to on earth right now that I can call "home". Asbury is my community, and I am happy to call it home for as long as God puts me here. I am thankful that He gave me somewhere to be excited to return to, and the opportunity to love somewhere as wonderful as this place. It is changing me, and I am going through transition on so many different levels, but I know that having this Asbury community is helping me to glide through it with ease and a genuine smile on my face. Trials will come, home is only temporary, but God remains and He knows where I'm going to next. I'm just along for the ride that He is sending me on and trying to take in what He wants to show me. I only know that my last destination will be my permanent home in Heaven, and I am elated to call that my Home.
This past weekend we got Friday off for Fall Break - or as some of my friends are calling it, "Fall Pause". I left campus Thursday afternoon with two other girls and we drove to Louisville. This was my first time off campus over night, and, as much as I love Asbury, I was excited to be away for a bit and get a taste of what it would be like. We had a lovely drive there. I spent Thursday evening until Sunday afternoon at the McKinley's house in Louisville (and for those of you who don't know who they are, they are a family I know from Indonesia who have pretty much become my adopted second family). The best part was that I got there, and even though it was a pretty much foreign zone to be in, the family was not foreign to me. I was comfortable, I pretty much knew what was expected of me, I understood the boundaries, and it was a weekend of familiarity (to an extent). It was relaxing to be with people who knew Indonesia, who I could speak in Bahasa with, and talk of my high school with. The weirdest part of seeing them all now was that I was talking of people from Asbury - people they wouldn't even know of unless I mentioned them - and I was speaking of a life that I currently lived in but that they were not specifically familiar with. I have become so accustomed to them knowing who and what I was talking about.
Another aspect that caught me off guard about my weekend away from my Asbury world and into my "Indo world" was that it was weird to process that both exist at the same time. When I returned back to campus on Sunday evening, it felt like nothing had even changed. It felt like Asbury world paused and was just waiting to resume once I came back. Within two hours of being back on campus and doing tons of laundry, I was back into my same routine. Wait a second... routine? Did I just say that I have a routine here? Do I have familiarity here? Do I feel comfortable here? And that is when I began to laugh at myself. I had not realized just how much I had gotten involved in my life at Asbury. I was excited to see my own bed again and I smiled when I looked at the wall next to my desk and saw pictures of my friends and family that I love. When I got out of bed on Monday for my 8am class, I walked into the bathroom to shower and I suddenly found myself thinking, "I feel like I'm home".
I cannot remember the last time I was able to say that and mean it. The thing is, I did not even have to force myself to come to that conclusion - it was just natural. Calling Asbury "home" makes sense, though. I realize that if I were to go back to Indonesia, it would not be as I knew it. I don't have family there anymore, I don't have a house, I don't have pets there, and all my friends (except for a select couple) are no longer there. I certainly want to go back someday, but I also realize it wouldn't feel the same way it did before - it's not home-y. My parents currently live in Peru, a country I have never even seen and with people I don't know. I could visit them - and want to - but it wouldn't be home. My siblings are in Wisconsin and Texas, two states very far away from Kentucky, and I don't feel at home there either. It's not what I know.
The closest step I have to home is Asbury. Though it is temporary - and may not even be for four years - it is the only thing I can cling to on earth right now that I can call "home". Asbury is my community, and I am happy to call it home for as long as God puts me here. I am thankful that He gave me somewhere to be excited to return to, and the opportunity to love somewhere as wonderful as this place. It is changing me, and I am going through transition on so many different levels, but I know that having this Asbury community is helping me to glide through it with ease and a genuine smile on my face. Trials will come, home is only temporary, but God remains and He knows where I'm going to next. I'm just along for the ride that He is sending me on and trying to take in what He wants to show me. I only know that my last destination will be my permanent home in Heaven, and I am elated to call that my Home.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Smile! You're Alive!
I was just walking back to my dorm and I heard a man in the parking lot yell out, "Hello, young lady! Smile! You're alive!" and even though he wasn't saying it directly to me, I took it to heart and he certainly made me smile. It is people like him at the most seemingly random moments who can change someone's mood, even if it just lasts for a moment.
If there is one thing that makes me angry with myself, it is the fact that I will go an entire day doing meaningless, empty things. Ever since I can remember, this has triggered me. I catch myself every time I am not doing anything meaningful, and I sit there and say "Wow, I really ought to get up and do what God made me to do", and far too often I don't move. I have numerous excuses that I come up with, and I could share them with you, but that would only be embarrassing because frankly, none of them are good enough reasons. There is no good reason for me to be wasting my life. In fact, it's not even my life. The life I have, the breath I breathe, the words I am able to speak, everything I have, and all the people I know are all because of God and His goodness and mercy. I do not deserve a sliver of what I have. I do not deserve to breathe. But God, in his great mercy, sent his son down to earth to die for me, so that I may live, and it says so in 2 Corinthians 5:15, "And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again". Who am I living for? Myself? My friends? Or my God?
Do you ever wonder how those who see how you live would answer this question about you?
One of my favorite things about Asbury and being in a brand new place with a brand new start is that I get to make my own place in a community again. I didn't arrive branded with any labels. There were no expectations, which meant that I got to set the bar for myself, and there was nothing tying me down. Being here has given me the chance to decide who I want people to see me as and I have worked to make sure that people see me as I truly am. And I only hope I have been able to spark some sort of inspiration in others to be genuine, too. I can honestly say that I have never been more me in my life, and it feels incredible. God has shown me what he can do with someone who lives the way he created them to be. Why do we hide who we are? Why do we let standards be set for us by others? Why don't we let God set the standards and open the doors for us to be who he made us to be?
I have chosen to be vulnerable, open, honest, and willing. I have chosen to place my identity in God alone and to trust that he will not abandon me or let me down in my vulnerability. And he has given me so many blessings within all of that. In my willingness to live openly and vulnerably, God has given me opportunities to bless others, opportunities to change myself to be a better person, opportunities to speak up, opportunities to get more than I expected, and he has given me love. He has shown me so much love, both in what I have been able to give and what others have given me.
I am blown away by God's goodness. Through this he has inspired me to do so much more than I ever thought I would be able to do. But in all of his goodness, I find myself forgetting how wonderful he is and how fulfilling it is to live for him so freely and openly. I sink into those days of doing nothing with my life, and I waste the time he has blessed me with. I don't feel the same love on those days, and I don't feel the same passion and inspiration on those days. When I choose to be lazy and apathetic, I don't see Gods goodness in the same way, and I don't feel his presence in the every day things. It doesn't mean he is not there, it's just that I am just not doing my part. God doesn't need me to fulfill his plans, but he will use me if I am willing to be used by him. And I want to be used by him, because nothing feels greater than knowing I am living for God, and nothing fills me with more satisfaction.
So, I want to leave ya'll (I am slowly giving in to the Kentucky vocabulary) with a couple of quotes that inspire me to live out the way I desire to, and I hope they will strike something in you as well.
"No matter where you are in life right now, no matter who you are, no matter how old you are – it is never too late to be who you are meant to be.” – Esther & Jerry Hicks
And one of my favorites:
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive.” – Howard Thurman
So come alive and don't get so caught up in the busy chaos of life that you forget to smile because guess what...you're alive! You don't know how many hours you have left to inspire people or remind someone of what God has done. Let's not take the gift of life for granted :)
If there is one thing that makes me angry with myself, it is the fact that I will go an entire day doing meaningless, empty things. Ever since I can remember, this has triggered me. I catch myself every time I am not doing anything meaningful, and I sit there and say "Wow, I really ought to get up and do what God made me to do", and far too often I don't move. I have numerous excuses that I come up with, and I could share them with you, but that would only be embarrassing because frankly, none of them are good enough reasons. There is no good reason for me to be wasting my life. In fact, it's not even my life. The life I have, the breath I breathe, the words I am able to speak, everything I have, and all the people I know are all because of God and His goodness and mercy. I do not deserve a sliver of what I have. I do not deserve to breathe. But God, in his great mercy, sent his son down to earth to die for me, so that I may live, and it says so in 2 Corinthians 5:15, "And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again". Who am I living for? Myself? My friends? Or my God?
Do you ever wonder how those who see how you live would answer this question about you?
One of my favorite things about Asbury and being in a brand new place with a brand new start is that I get to make my own place in a community again. I didn't arrive branded with any labels. There were no expectations, which meant that I got to set the bar for myself, and there was nothing tying me down. Being here has given me the chance to decide who I want people to see me as and I have worked to make sure that people see me as I truly am. And I only hope I have been able to spark some sort of inspiration in others to be genuine, too. I can honestly say that I have never been more me in my life, and it feels incredible. God has shown me what he can do with someone who lives the way he created them to be. Why do we hide who we are? Why do we let standards be set for us by others? Why don't we let God set the standards and open the doors for us to be who he made us to be?
I have chosen to be vulnerable, open, honest, and willing. I have chosen to place my identity in God alone and to trust that he will not abandon me or let me down in my vulnerability. And he has given me so many blessings within all of that. In my willingness to live openly and vulnerably, God has given me opportunities to bless others, opportunities to change myself to be a better person, opportunities to speak up, opportunities to get more than I expected, and he has given me love. He has shown me so much love, both in what I have been able to give and what others have given me.
I am blown away by God's goodness. Through this he has inspired me to do so much more than I ever thought I would be able to do. But in all of his goodness, I find myself forgetting how wonderful he is and how fulfilling it is to live for him so freely and openly. I sink into those days of doing nothing with my life, and I waste the time he has blessed me with. I don't feel the same love on those days, and I don't feel the same passion and inspiration on those days. When I choose to be lazy and apathetic, I don't see Gods goodness in the same way, and I don't feel his presence in the every day things. It doesn't mean he is not there, it's just that I am just not doing my part. God doesn't need me to fulfill his plans, but he will use me if I am willing to be used by him. And I want to be used by him, because nothing feels greater than knowing I am living for God, and nothing fills me with more satisfaction.
So, I want to leave ya'll (I am slowly giving in to the Kentucky vocabulary) with a couple of quotes that inspire me to live out the way I desire to, and I hope they will strike something in you as well.
"No matter where you are in life right now, no matter who you are, no matter how old you are – it is never too late to be who you are meant to be.” – Esther & Jerry Hicks
And one of my favorites:
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive.” – Howard Thurman
So come alive and don't get so caught up in the busy chaos of life that you forget to smile because guess what...you're alive! You don't know how many hours you have left to inspire people or remind someone of what God has done. Let's not take the gift of life for granted :)
Monday, October 8, 2012
Death Will Not Stop God's Work.
October 6, 2012: A brother, a son, a grandson, an uncle, a friend, a student, and so much more - all in one person- is gone in the blink of an eye. And lives are changed forever.
On Saturday afternoon, one of Asbury's very own students, Jeff McMillan, collapsed on the soccer field and passed away. It was unexpected and a shock to everyone in the community and those who knew him. Even though I never met him, I can feel the effect he had and is continuing to have on Asbury's community. This morning our chapel service was dedicated to Jeff and I felt I got a chance to meet him - something I will never get to do on this earth. He left an impact and that is not difficult to see. Jeff is an inspiration to me, and I wanted to do something special for him, so I wrote this:
Jeff, I didn’t know you, but I know you made an impact on this world – our community especially. You will be missed. You have changed my mindset and I will be praying for the lives you have touched. I woke up Sunday morning thinking of your life and your sudden death. I have never had someone that I really know die, so you are the closest I have had. The ways that people are responding are just proof that you lived a life that was good. You are with Jesus and I can’t help but imagine how perfect that must feel right now. I can’t stop thinking about your death. Did you wake up Saturday morning knowing that you were going to see Jesus in just a few hours? Did you have any idea? Were you "prepared"?
Death is so sudden. Life seems so short. And what was I doing when I heard the news that you died? I honestly don't want to say. I did so little that day that was worthy of God’s name. I did nothing to go out of my way to love or serve anybody. I don’t want to die doing something so meaningless. I don't want to approach the day of my death thinking "oh.. someday I will be that better person, someday I will serve God as I know I should, but I'm just tired today or I'm just not ready to let go of those things yet today". I don’t know when it will come, but I can try my best to live a life that I will be proud of leaving behind as my legacy.
Rest in peace, Jeff. I pray that your life and death will leave a lasting imprint on our community and all of the lives you have touched and will continue to touch. I pray that we will not forget you. You may be gone, but your story will still go on as your legacy. Thank you for touching my life Jeff. I didn't even have to know you to be touched by you. Your life was powerful and death will not stop God from using you.
Sincerely,
Amelia
http://www.asbury.edu/news-events/news/2012/10/06/17266#.UHInRIbpLNM.facebook
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
The Beauty of God's Confirmation
Insecure. Unsure. Lost. Panicked. Hopeless. Lowering my standards. Giving up.
That was me for a while.
At the end of my Junior year of high school, I had absolutely no school I felt God was calling me to, I had a possible major in mind but it was going to be something I would have to settle for instead of being excited about majoring in, and I eventually just lost all desire to even go to school. I still had to get through senior year, but I almost saw hope in it knowing that I would probably be taking a gap year after that was over with. My attitude was not in the right place, but I honestly felt that was what I was to do.
In fact, I became so convinced that "college wasn't for me" that I gave a speech in my mother's speech class on "Why College Isn't For Everyone". (By the way, my mom was supporting me in what ever decision I was going to make and I thank her for that!).
The summer before my senior year, after I had already "given up" on seeking out a college, I found a school I thought was the "one" for me, and I got my hopes up again. But, God was not answering the prayers about that school the way that I selfishly wanted Him to. Shortly after that, I wrote in my journal, "I can't let this school become an idol or something that I love more than I love God. I'm getting more attached. Lord, guide me in the direction I should go. I want it badly, but take that want away if it's not of you." And He heard my prayer, and He worked in His awesome ways that He does.
In the next entry I wrote, "For the first time... I prayed about college...I'm unsure...about a lot. I prayed that God would give me a clear sign what to major in, where to go, etc. I prayed that if this school isn't the place for me (even though it won't be easy) that God will give me the peace to let it go and trust that He has greater plans in store for me..." The beauty of God's confirmation began to show it's incredibly wonderful face then. The next day, he brought me a complete stranger who told me what to major in, and I responded with this: "It's all in God's hands, His miraculous plan. I only need to go where He leads me."
Later that same summer, God gave me my cousin's husband, Jason, to tell me about PR as well, and he convinced me to call and ask about Asbury University. I called the next day, and I was in love with the school. I had spent years and loads of energy looking for a school up until this point, and it wasn't until a simple phone call with a graduate from Asbury that I felt that instant call to go there. God told me from that phone call that He was going to send me to Asbury, and that has not changed since. He gave me instant confirmation - the first and only time I have ever felt His calling so clearly and intensely.
Moment after moment after moment, God has continued to light my path in this direction that He is taking me. He could not make it more obvious! (Well, He could, but you know what I mean, right?). I have so much more I could write about how he brought me to Asbury to major in Public Relations, but then you would be reading my blog for days. If you ever want to hear the details of it, just ask me (or maybe I will eventually write a post completely dedicated to it.) But I cannot tell you all enough times just how obviously about God this entire adventure to get me here has been. I told Him that I trusted Him with my future, and He showed me His faithfulness and goodness, and in such abundance!
This is where God wanted me to be. He made it clear over a year ago when He showed me this school, throughout all of last year when He continuously told me and confirmed for me that this is where I need to be, and every. single. day. that I have spent here. I feel so blessed beyond what I could have imagined. I see Him here every day working in my life and the lives of those around me, and I cannot wait to see what else He does while I am here. It feels so great to know that I am where He wants me to be. I followed Christ this time, and it was worth it all.
And now I can say with a joyful heart that I am... Secure. Certain. Home. Relaxed. Hopeful. Striving for God's standards. And ready for whatever may come my way.
p.s. My beautiful suite mate, Charlotte, came in here while I was writing and wanted to leave you all a message: "hi I love Amelia!!!"
It just shows you a little glimpse of how awesome this community is :)
That was me for a while.
At the end of my Junior year of high school, I had absolutely no school I felt God was calling me to, I had a possible major in mind but it was going to be something I would have to settle for instead of being excited about majoring in, and I eventually just lost all desire to even go to school. I still had to get through senior year, but I almost saw hope in it knowing that I would probably be taking a gap year after that was over with. My attitude was not in the right place, but I honestly felt that was what I was to do.
In fact, I became so convinced that "college wasn't for me" that I gave a speech in my mother's speech class on "Why College Isn't For Everyone". (By the way, my mom was supporting me in what ever decision I was going to make and I thank her for that!).
The summer before my senior year, after I had already "given up" on seeking out a college, I found a school I thought was the "one" for me, and I got my hopes up again. But, God was not answering the prayers about that school the way that I selfishly wanted Him to. Shortly after that, I wrote in my journal, "I can't let this school become an idol or something that I love more than I love God. I'm getting more attached. Lord, guide me in the direction I should go. I want it badly, but take that want away if it's not of you." And He heard my prayer, and He worked in His awesome ways that He does.
In the next entry I wrote, "For the first time... I prayed about college...I'm unsure...about a lot. I prayed that God would give me a clear sign what to major in, where to go, etc. I prayed that if this school isn't the place for me (even though it won't be easy) that God will give me the peace to let it go and trust that He has greater plans in store for me..." The beauty of God's confirmation began to show it's incredibly wonderful face then. The next day, he brought me a complete stranger who told me what to major in, and I responded with this: "It's all in God's hands, His miraculous plan. I only need to go where He leads me."
Later that same summer, God gave me my cousin's husband, Jason, to tell me about PR as well, and he convinced me to call and ask about Asbury University. I called the next day, and I was in love with the school. I had spent years and loads of energy looking for a school up until this point, and it wasn't until a simple phone call with a graduate from Asbury that I felt that instant call to go there. God told me from that phone call that He was going to send me to Asbury, and that has not changed since. He gave me instant confirmation - the first and only time I have ever felt His calling so clearly and intensely.
Moment after moment after moment, God has continued to light my path in this direction that He is taking me. He could not make it more obvious! (Well, He could, but you know what I mean, right?). I have so much more I could write about how he brought me to Asbury to major in Public Relations, but then you would be reading my blog for days. If you ever want to hear the details of it, just ask me (or maybe I will eventually write a post completely dedicated to it.) But I cannot tell you all enough times just how obviously about God this entire adventure to get me here has been. I told Him that I trusted Him with my future, and He showed me His faithfulness and goodness, and in such abundance!
This is where God wanted me to be. He made it clear over a year ago when He showed me this school, throughout all of last year when He continuously told me and confirmed for me that this is where I need to be, and every. single. day. that I have spent here. I feel so blessed beyond what I could have imagined. I see Him here every day working in my life and the lives of those around me, and I cannot wait to see what else He does while I am here. It feels so great to know that I am where He wants me to be. I followed Christ this time, and it was worth it all.
And now I can say with a joyful heart that I am... Secure. Certain. Home. Relaxed. Hopeful. Striving for God's standards. And ready for whatever may come my way.
p.s. My beautiful suite mate, Charlotte, came in here while I was writing and wanted to leave you all a message: "hi I love Amelia!!!"
It just shows you a little glimpse of how awesome this community is :)
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Open Your Eyes, or He Will Do It For You.
God is so incredible. He truly is. Do you ever stop what you're doing, look up at the sky, and think about how incredible He really is? He is our Creator.
First of all, He put together, designed, arranged, and brought to life the entire universe: people, plants, animals, DNA, bodies of water, land, stars, sun, and moon, and so much more that we see and cannot see. That alone is more than we can even comprehend. I personally can hardly even make a bowl out of clay, and if I do manage to, it doesn't look very pretty.
How can we forget, for even a split second, about the creator of the universe - the God who made us and loves us and cherishes us? Not only has He done the giant task of putting a universe together, He also maintains it, develops it, adds to it and takes away from it, and deals with stupid people (that's all of us, just so you know. We are human and we mess up, a lot). And He CHOOSES to love us. He CHOOSES to put us where He puts us. He CHOOSES to guide us, love us, listen to our cries and strange questions, and I would even imagine He ENJOYS doing so. Why else would He remain so dedicated to us sinners if He did not love us? Why else would He have sent his ONLY SON to DIE for us. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16
One of my favorite things about God is that He has a sense of humor. And as a friend of mine told me tonight, "If you don't see it, think about Jesus walking on the water, and him having Peter come out there too." God doesn't always do things in simple ways. He wants to capture our attention, so he throws things like walking on the water to grab us and make us wonder what in the world we are doing. Sometimes He has to throw us that attention grabber more than once, because we are just too blind to see it. And that is the beauty of it all - God NEVER gives up on us. Even when we "forget", or when we don't use the eyes that He gave us to see what He is doing, God continues to pursue our attention. My question is, why do we want to look away at all? In all of His incredible beauty and majesty, we still choose to look away - we close our eyes to Him and all that He does - and we forget to open our eyes again, we never turn around and go back to where we once saw His beauty.
I personally was challenged by this tonight. I have looked away so many times, and in doing so I have missed on out so many things I could have seen Him do in my life and the lives of the people around me. So, here is my challenge to you: Ask Him today what you are closing your eyes to, and ask that He would open your eyes to seeing His handiwork in life. He is there. He is everywhere. And He is begging you to look and marvel at what He is doing. No one else deserves the attention and glory that He does. So sit back and look at the sky and shout to Him, "Thank You, Lord, for all that you have done."
First of all, He put together, designed, arranged, and brought to life the entire universe: people, plants, animals, DNA, bodies of water, land, stars, sun, and moon, and so much more that we see and cannot see. That alone is more than we can even comprehend. I personally can hardly even make a bowl out of clay, and if I do manage to, it doesn't look very pretty.
How can we forget, for even a split second, about the creator of the universe - the God who made us and loves us and cherishes us? Not only has He done the giant task of putting a universe together, He also maintains it, develops it, adds to it and takes away from it, and deals with stupid people (that's all of us, just so you know. We are human and we mess up, a lot). And He CHOOSES to love us. He CHOOSES to put us where He puts us. He CHOOSES to guide us, love us, listen to our cries and strange questions, and I would even imagine He ENJOYS doing so. Why else would He remain so dedicated to us sinners if He did not love us? Why else would He have sent his ONLY SON to DIE for us. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16
One of my favorite things about God is that He has a sense of humor. And as a friend of mine told me tonight, "If you don't see it, think about Jesus walking on the water, and him having Peter come out there too." God doesn't always do things in simple ways. He wants to capture our attention, so he throws things like walking on the water to grab us and make us wonder what in the world we are doing. Sometimes He has to throw us that attention grabber more than once, because we are just too blind to see it. And that is the beauty of it all - God NEVER gives up on us. Even when we "forget", or when we don't use the eyes that He gave us to see what He is doing, God continues to pursue our attention. My question is, why do we want to look away at all? In all of His incredible beauty and majesty, we still choose to look away - we close our eyes to Him and all that He does - and we forget to open our eyes again, we never turn around and go back to where we once saw His beauty.
I personally was challenged by this tonight. I have looked away so many times, and in doing so I have missed on out so many things I could have seen Him do in my life and the lives of the people around me. So, here is my challenge to you: Ask Him today what you are closing your eyes to, and ask that He would open your eyes to seeing His handiwork in life. He is there. He is everywhere. And He is begging you to look and marvel at what He is doing. No one else deserves the attention and glory that He does. So sit back and look at the sky and shout to Him, "Thank You, Lord, for all that you have done."
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Leaving "Home"
"I feel blessed, sad, happy, grateful, bittersweet...so much all at once. I leave Indonesia in two days. The house is almost empty of our stuff. It's getting down to the end. Life is about to change big time. I'm not just going to America for the summer... I wonder when transition will hit me." June 9th
When I moved to Indonesia, I was starting fourth grade and I promised all my friends in Wisconsin that I would be back - in two years. We came back for the summers, but then we signed another two year contract, and another one, and...eventually the years added up.
I remember during the winter break of my freshman year my parents decided we were going to take a furlough for my sophomore year. I understood why we would and I understood the timing, but I was devastated. I did not want to leave. And I most certainly did not want to attempt to make friends at a public high school in America... and for only one year. I still remember exactly how I felt the moment I found out we were leaving. I remember the tears coming without restraint, and my face turing puffy red, and my aunt talking to me, and my brother hugging me as his girlfriend (later wife) sat on the red couch behind him. And I remember the sinking feeling in my heart realizing all the goodbyes I would have to say in a little less than six months. To me, that was extremely short notice. I felt I had no process time. To me and all my friends in Indonesia I was staying until we graduated in three more years, and suddenly I had to tell them all I would be leaving for a year. How was I possibly going to manage? Luckily, Mom and Dad changed their minds quickly, but that was quite the emotional roller coaster I went through trying to process leaving a country I once knew nothing about. I had fallen in love with my life in Indonesia.
I almost wonder if that speedy processing of my picture of what it would be like to say goodbye helped the recent real goodbye to be easier. It could have, but I also know that those next three years in Indonesia changed my perspective for leaving. After being the one "left behind" for nine years, I was doing the leaving. Except this time I had three years to prepare and a new adventure of college life to look forward to.
"I am officially en route to the U.S.A. Strange, though, this whole leaving Indonesia feels nothing like I thought it was going to. The goodbyes felt nothing like I thought they were going to. Ask me a year ago how I imaged I would feel today and I would say something along the lines of "I want to stay. I can't hold back the tears. I feel unprepared". That's pretty much the opposite of how I feel today. I feel like I am just READY. It's time for me to go. Nine years in Indonesia have been amazing and I am moving forward to the next big step in life excited and ready to take on the new-ness and independence that is before me."
I wrote that on June 11th in my personal journal (and the journal doesn't lie). I was just simply ready. It wasn't a "I can't wait to get out of here" or "Whatever, I'm leaving", it was just complete acceptance of the life I lived in Indonesia and realizing how it shaped me as a person. It felt good. That doesn't mean it didn't ache or that it wasn't tough, because I promise you there were tears shed, but not in the ways I had imagined it would have been. The toughest part for me was saying goodbye to the people in my life.
"I have come to realize that Indonesia, to me, is really the people. Most of those people that make Indonesia for me have left, though. So, in a way, I have been saying my farewells to Indonesia through my farewells to people."
But the thing about saying goodbye to people, is that even though there is never a promise of seeing them again on earth (though sometimes we are blessed and God allows us to cross paths again), I will always know that there is a guarantee of seeing those in the body of Christ again, and I can only pray for those who are not, that I may see them again some day.
People are HOME to me. I may have a house in Wisconsin, lived the last half of my life in Indonesia, and have family and friends all over the globe, but I can't say I would call any stationary place HOME. HOME to me is where I feel loved, invested in, and where there is always space to grow. I will only ever be truly HOME when the Lord takes me to be with Him.
When I moved to Indonesia, I was starting fourth grade and I promised all my friends in Wisconsin that I would be back - in two years. We came back for the summers, but then we signed another two year contract, and another one, and...eventually the years added up.
I remember during the winter break of my freshman year my parents decided we were going to take a furlough for my sophomore year. I understood why we would and I understood the timing, but I was devastated. I did not want to leave. And I most certainly did not want to attempt to make friends at a public high school in America... and for only one year. I still remember exactly how I felt the moment I found out we were leaving. I remember the tears coming without restraint, and my face turing puffy red, and my aunt talking to me, and my brother hugging me as his girlfriend (later wife) sat on the red couch behind him. And I remember the sinking feeling in my heart realizing all the goodbyes I would have to say in a little less than six months. To me, that was extremely short notice. I felt I had no process time. To me and all my friends in Indonesia I was staying until we graduated in three more years, and suddenly I had to tell them all I would be leaving for a year. How was I possibly going to manage? Luckily, Mom and Dad changed their minds quickly, but that was quite the emotional roller coaster I went through trying to process leaving a country I once knew nothing about. I had fallen in love with my life in Indonesia.
I almost wonder if that speedy processing of my picture of what it would be like to say goodbye helped the recent real goodbye to be easier. It could have, but I also know that those next three years in Indonesia changed my perspective for leaving. After being the one "left behind" for nine years, I was doing the leaving. Except this time I had three years to prepare and a new adventure of college life to look forward to.
"I am officially en route to the U.S.A. Strange, though, this whole leaving Indonesia feels nothing like I thought it was going to. The goodbyes felt nothing like I thought they were going to. Ask me a year ago how I imaged I would feel today and I would say something along the lines of "I want to stay. I can't hold back the tears. I feel unprepared". That's pretty much the opposite of how I feel today. I feel like I am just READY. It's time for me to go. Nine years in Indonesia have been amazing and I am moving forward to the next big step in life excited and ready to take on the new-ness and independence that is before me."
I wrote that on June 11th in my personal journal (and the journal doesn't lie). I was just simply ready. It wasn't a "I can't wait to get out of here" or "Whatever, I'm leaving", it was just complete acceptance of the life I lived in Indonesia and realizing how it shaped me as a person. It felt good. That doesn't mean it didn't ache or that it wasn't tough, because I promise you there were tears shed, but not in the ways I had imagined it would have been. The toughest part for me was saying goodbye to the people in my life.
"I have come to realize that Indonesia, to me, is really the people. Most of those people that make Indonesia for me have left, though. So, in a way, I have been saying my farewells to Indonesia through my farewells to people."
But the thing about saying goodbye to people, is that even though there is never a promise of seeing them again on earth (though sometimes we are blessed and God allows us to cross paths again), I will always know that there is a guarantee of seeing those in the body of Christ again, and I can only pray for those who are not, that I may see them again some day.
People are HOME to me. I may have a house in Wisconsin, lived the last half of my life in Indonesia, and have family and friends all over the globe, but I can't say I would call any stationary place HOME. HOME to me is where I feel loved, invested in, and where there is always space to grow. I will only ever be truly HOME when the Lord takes me to be with Him.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Change: The Never-Ending Journey
I have not written for a long time and I'm going to start off with the oldest excuse in the book: life has been crazy busy. But through all the craziness, God has been growing me as a person so much. I wish I had written earlier, so that I could write down the transition more vividly, mostly for my sake of remembering the journey that I traveled to get to who I am right now. That's one thing I so love about writing. Putting moments of my life and my feelings into words and onto paper makes those moments and feelings all more tangible. When I write how I feel, I see myself more clearly and my life is put into better focus. I'm big on journaling, and have journaled for years. I am thankful for that, because I can read back and watch myself change and grow, and it makes me thankful for the good and bad times, because without any of those moments, I would not be who I am today. And it helps me to look back on the things I prayed for and never thought about again, and seeing so clearly how God answered those prayers in ways I never realized. I like the journey, and it's such a big deal to me to be able to experience my own journey over and over through reading my own words.
So right now, I'm going to let you all in on a little taste of my most recent journey. It began most significantly as I thought of this point in my life, where everything is suddenly the "end" of something - the end of classes, the end of exams, the end of high school, the end of the school year, the end of my time in Indonesia, the end of my time living with my parents,... basically, if you could name something I was doing, it was probably the end of it or coming near to the end of it. But to me, the end means that something else is beginning. Whenever something ends, there is always something else that replaces it, eventually. It's just how life goes. And with every step closer to the oh-so-obvious endings, I saw more and more glimpses of the new beginnings. And not just the beginnings of a new place to live, new people to meet, and new college life to get used to, but a new beginning of me.
I have gone to the same school for nine years. People have come and gone, but some have stayed. And when you stay in one place for so long, you become very comfortable. You find your spot and make your mold in that seat of the couch, and you know that is where you fit, where you are comfortable. I am a person of habit, so once I pick a spot I like to stick with it. Here at BAIS, I've learned to stick with who I am. I convinced myself that people know me a certain way here, there is no reason to be any other way (and it would freak them out if I changed!). At least, that's what I thought. But, as the imperfect being that I am (and we all are), I was wrong. True, the community is very small, and tight, but that doesn't mean that I can't change just because of others' set expectations, or just because it is scary to suddenly make a different turn than others expect because you know that people will notice. In a small community, every one notices when something is different. I wanted to be different, but I was scared to be noticed. I was scared to stand out. (And I have to admit to you all, that I am honestly still scared.)
I proceeded to make excuses to myself for reasons why I should just "wait" to change and be different. I told myself that it didn't matter if I changed now, because I'm "good enough for now" for where I am, and that when I get to college there will be new people and a new environment with people who don't even know me. I can change for that occasion. I can stand out and be different there, without it totally freaking out people because they won't have set expectations of who I am. And that is partially true, but at the same time, there is no real guarantee that I'll ever even make it to college. There no guarantee that I'll even make it to tomorrow. What matters is that I take the moments I am given to make a difference and to constantly be seeking better things and showing Love. The day I decided to take that to heart was the day that I began to change. It didn't matter if it freaked people out anymore (as much). But I had to learn to ask God every moment of every day "Lord, give me the strength to change and be a better person, a better servant, today". He keeps giving me courage to be better, to really be me, more and more in the most unique and unexpected ways. He keeps giving me opportunities to stand up and say what is on my heart, and he puts people into my life who push me, who lift me up, and who want to get to know me the more I put myself out there as I truly am. It is such an encouragement.
I haven't been fake, but I haven't been 100%. And that lack of 100% has been eating at me for most of my life. I often squirm and ache because I haven't been able to be me. But the more I remember the time I am not guaranteed, and the people who need to be inspired this way too, the more courageous I feel to strive for that 100%, to give it all it takes to be that me, and to live the way God created me. And it leaves me speechless when I look at this journey God is taking me on. My journey is no where near complete and I don't see the end yet and I hope there never is an end, because I want my journey to continue in the hearts and lives of others who I have hopefully influenced even after I am gone. I don't want to wait to inspire people, and I don't want to wait to shock them out of their comfort zones, because I believe that God does incredible work in anyone who is willing to step out of their comfort zone to live the way He created them.
And I just have to tell you all that my heart is so full, and I feel loved and blessed beyond measure. Get out of your spot in the couch that you're comfortably sinking into, open up the doors to your journey, and step through with your eyes open and your heart willing. Change is coming your way, and it's about to blow your perspective and fill you with wonderful and terrifying feelings, and God will be holding your hand every step of the way.
So right now, I'm going to let you all in on a little taste of my most recent journey. It began most significantly as I thought of this point in my life, where everything is suddenly the "end" of something - the end of classes, the end of exams, the end of high school, the end of the school year, the end of my time in Indonesia, the end of my time living with my parents,... basically, if you could name something I was doing, it was probably the end of it or coming near to the end of it. But to me, the end means that something else is beginning. Whenever something ends, there is always something else that replaces it, eventually. It's just how life goes. And with every step closer to the oh-so-obvious endings, I saw more and more glimpses of the new beginnings. And not just the beginnings of a new place to live, new people to meet, and new college life to get used to, but a new beginning of me.
I have gone to the same school for nine years. People have come and gone, but some have stayed. And when you stay in one place for so long, you become very comfortable. You find your spot and make your mold in that seat of the couch, and you know that is where you fit, where you are comfortable. I am a person of habit, so once I pick a spot I like to stick with it. Here at BAIS, I've learned to stick with who I am. I convinced myself that people know me a certain way here, there is no reason to be any other way (and it would freak them out if I changed!). At least, that's what I thought. But, as the imperfect being that I am (and we all are), I was wrong. True, the community is very small, and tight, but that doesn't mean that I can't change just because of others' set expectations, or just because it is scary to suddenly make a different turn than others expect because you know that people will notice. In a small community, every one notices when something is different. I wanted to be different, but I was scared to be noticed. I was scared to stand out. (And I have to admit to you all, that I am honestly still scared.)
I proceeded to make excuses to myself for reasons why I should just "wait" to change and be different. I told myself that it didn't matter if I changed now, because I'm "good enough for now" for where I am, and that when I get to college there will be new people and a new environment with people who don't even know me. I can change for that occasion. I can stand out and be different there, without it totally freaking out people because they won't have set expectations of who I am. And that is partially true, but at the same time, there is no real guarantee that I'll ever even make it to college. There no guarantee that I'll even make it to tomorrow. What matters is that I take the moments I am given to make a difference and to constantly be seeking better things and showing Love. The day I decided to take that to heart was the day that I began to change. It didn't matter if it freaked people out anymore (as much). But I had to learn to ask God every moment of every day "Lord, give me the strength to change and be a better person, a better servant, today". He keeps giving me courage to be better, to really be me, more and more in the most unique and unexpected ways. He keeps giving me opportunities to stand up and say what is on my heart, and he puts people into my life who push me, who lift me up, and who want to get to know me the more I put myself out there as I truly am. It is such an encouragement.
I haven't been fake, but I haven't been 100%. And that lack of 100% has been eating at me for most of my life. I often squirm and ache because I haven't been able to be me. But the more I remember the time I am not guaranteed, and the people who need to be inspired this way too, the more courageous I feel to strive for that 100%, to give it all it takes to be that me, and to live the way God created me. And it leaves me speechless when I look at this journey God is taking me on. My journey is no where near complete and I don't see the end yet and I hope there never is an end, because I want my journey to continue in the hearts and lives of others who I have hopefully influenced even after I am gone. I don't want to wait to inspire people, and I don't want to wait to shock them out of their comfort zones, because I believe that God does incredible work in anyone who is willing to step out of their comfort zone to live the way He created them.
And I just have to tell you all that my heart is so full, and I feel loved and blessed beyond measure. Get out of your spot in the couch that you're comfortably sinking into, open up the doors to your journey, and step through with your eyes open and your heart willing. Change is coming your way, and it's about to blow your perspective and fill you with wonderful and terrifying feelings, and God will be holding your hand every step of the way.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Rested & Ready To Go
I love sleeping. I love being cozy and cuddled up in my blanket, and I have the arrangement of my 5 pillows down to a science for ultimate comfort. I say all this in truth, but I don't actually spend a lot of time sleeping. At least, compared to how much I could tell you I enjoy it. I stay up late, and I wake up early most days. But here's the point where many people call me crazy: While I love sleeping, I almost hate going to sleep. It takes me a long time to fall asleep most nights, and so while I'm preparing to go to bed, I dread the time I will spend lying in my bed and not sleeping, missing out on wonderful, beautiful sleep. But once I'm asleep, I have no complaints. And I wake up the next morning thankful that I took that hour to lie in my bed and wait to get some rest.
Now, you're probably wondering why I just wrote you a long paragraph about my sleeping habits and love/hate relationship I have with sleep. And you're probably wondering why you even spent your precious time reading that. But I have a point to this. Trust me.
If I were to put what I just wrote to you about sleeping into a different perspective, like reading my Bible and spending time with God, I could still say similar things. I love reading my Bible and spending time with God. I find so much comfort in being near to Him, and he knows just the words to use and challenges to give me to make me the ultimate best I can be for Him. He's constantly pushing me out of my comfort zone, but somehow always comforting me in the process. But for how much I say I love reading the Bible, how much am I actually doing it?
I often find it difficult to stop what I'm doing and pick up my Bible and spend time with my God. I know it's good for me, and I know that I love it, but I still get that tiny speck of dread to actually begin the process. But the times that I do pick up my Bible and spend some time with Him are not wasted moments. After I read, I find myself in constant thankfulness that I have a Bible to read and that He gives me constant guidance while reading it. And in the constantly moving life I live, I always feel rested after reading my Bible, and that's one area where the Bible never fails me, but sleep does.
I've been challenged constantly to live my life more productively and really seek God and His direction for me. I've been spending more time in the Word than I ever have before, and it's been incredible, and very refining. It's not exactly exciting to open my Bible with the knowledge that there's a high chance of Him revealing more dirt to me about myself. But once it's out, I know I need to change, and he cleanses me of that dirt and sin and I feel refreshed and ready to take on another day and another challenge. He gives me the energy that I need.
I may have to wait for what seems an eternity, but I always come out rested and ready to go. And the time I spent with Him is always more than worth it!
Now, you're probably wondering why I just wrote you a long paragraph about my sleeping habits and love/hate relationship I have with sleep. And you're probably wondering why you even spent your precious time reading that. But I have a point to this. Trust me.
If I were to put what I just wrote to you about sleeping into a different perspective, like reading my Bible and spending time with God, I could still say similar things. I love reading my Bible and spending time with God. I find so much comfort in being near to Him, and he knows just the words to use and challenges to give me to make me the ultimate best I can be for Him. He's constantly pushing me out of my comfort zone, but somehow always comforting me in the process. But for how much I say I love reading the Bible, how much am I actually doing it?
I often find it difficult to stop what I'm doing and pick up my Bible and spend time with my God. I know it's good for me, and I know that I love it, but I still get that tiny speck of dread to actually begin the process. But the times that I do pick up my Bible and spend some time with Him are not wasted moments. After I read, I find myself in constant thankfulness that I have a Bible to read and that He gives me constant guidance while reading it. And in the constantly moving life I live, I always feel rested after reading my Bible, and that's one area where the Bible never fails me, but sleep does.
I've been challenged constantly to live my life more productively and really seek God and His direction for me. I've been spending more time in the Word than I ever have before, and it's been incredible, and very refining. It's not exactly exciting to open my Bible with the knowledge that there's a high chance of Him revealing more dirt to me about myself. But once it's out, I know I need to change, and he cleanses me of that dirt and sin and I feel refreshed and ready to take on another day and another challenge. He gives me the energy that I need.
I may have to wait for what seems an eternity, but I always come out rested and ready to go. And the time I spent with Him is always more than worth it!
Monday, January 23, 2012
A "homesick" TCK
I don't remember a lot about my childhood without the photographs and videos, but there are some things I remember. I remember fighting and making up with Devon while playing Barbies on the sidewalk. I remember making jello with my mom. I remember dancing around the living room to what ever music my dad had playing on the stereo. I remember making forts in the basement and sitting in them while playing games on the Play Station 1 with Janalyn and Travis. And I remember a lot of moments with my cousins Lexi and Ali. I wish I could more clearly remember a lot more than I do, but I feel like God has definitely picked out certain memories for me to remember because He knew that before I turned 9, I would no longer be making those same memories. He knew from the moment I entered the world that these would be precious moments to me.
I remember my parents telling me we're moving to Indonesia and I said something along the lines of "What's Indonesia??" I had no idea what else was out there in the world. I lived in my own little world on 229 Sioux Ct. and thought nothing of countries that were on the opposite side of the equator. I'm kind of glad that I didn't know I would be moving to Indonesia until a few months before we moved. I think if I had lived in a mindset of "I'm leaving here someday," I may not have taken the time to make those memories or feel like that was "home". The last time I really felt like I had a home was probably the years building up to moving to Indonesia.
I have spent almost nine years of my life living in Indonesia. I don't know what I would call "home" or even if I could define the term home in a way that I can 100% agree with. But I saw this quote this morning, and it really captured how I feel.
"We are homesick for a place we have never seen and have never been...but are aching to go." - Jill Scifres
I love this place, the people, the community, and so much about it. I don't want to leave, but at the same time I'm itching to get to somewhere new. I've been accepted to Asbury, and I feel like I have a life waiting for me in America. America is a country that I feel like a foreigner in, even though my passport claims otherwise. I'm homesick for a place I have never been, and I am aching to go. But, isn't that how Christians should feel about Heaven, too?
We're all foreigners here on Earth, no matter what we try to prove to ourselves or others. None of us were made for this place. Being a Third Culture Kid with no place to comfortably call "home," this has been a big thing for me (though I don't think on it nearly enough). We should feel homesick for Heaven - a place we've never seen and never been - and be aching to go! That is where we will finally feel at home. That is where we will no longer ache for any other place. We will be satisfied in Him.
Fellow TCKs, hang in there.
I remember my parents telling me we're moving to Indonesia and I said something along the lines of "What's Indonesia??" I had no idea what else was out there in the world. I lived in my own little world on 229 Sioux Ct. and thought nothing of countries that were on the opposite side of the equator. I'm kind of glad that I didn't know I would be moving to Indonesia until a few months before we moved. I think if I had lived in a mindset of "I'm leaving here someday," I may not have taken the time to make those memories or feel like that was "home". The last time I really felt like I had a home was probably the years building up to moving to Indonesia.
I have spent almost nine years of my life living in Indonesia. I don't know what I would call "home" or even if I could define the term home in a way that I can 100% agree with. But I saw this quote this morning, and it really captured how I feel.
"We are homesick for a place we have never seen and have never been...but are aching to go." - Jill Scifres
I love this place, the people, the community, and so much about it. I don't want to leave, but at the same time I'm itching to get to somewhere new. I've been accepted to Asbury, and I feel like I have a life waiting for me in America. America is a country that I feel like a foreigner in, even though my passport claims otherwise. I'm homesick for a place I have never been, and I am aching to go. But, isn't that how Christians should feel about Heaven, too?
We're all foreigners here on Earth, no matter what we try to prove to ourselves or others. None of us were made for this place. Being a Third Culture Kid with no place to comfortably call "home," this has been a big thing for me (though I don't think on it nearly enough). We should feel homesick for Heaven - a place we've never seen and never been - and be aching to go! That is where we will finally feel at home. That is where we will no longer ache for any other place. We will be satisfied in Him.
Fellow TCKs, hang in there.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Opportunities & Obedience
I have learned a lot about myself and my "methods". You see, if I don't want to do something, I have a tendency to become stubborn about it. I may choose to not do it at all, or I'll do minimally what I need to do. Not one of my better qualities ;). But, let me tell you, God has helped me to overcome my stubbornness seventy times seventy times, and still more so. He is relentless in His plan for making me a better follower of Christ. And for that, I am overflowing with joy! What joy it is to know that someone desires to help you become a better person! When you tell someone "I want to change. I want to throw away the dirt in my life and be clean," you are probably telling them because you want accountability and encouragement, right? Well, accountability is what I've got :)
I'm telling you all this because my stubbornness has been playing a part in very specific areas of my life right now. A theme that God has placed in my life the last month so or has been a strong one of obedience. Obedience when it's easy, and obedience when it's tough. And I promise you, He's given me a lot of both opportunities.
To me, obedience to God is an opportunity to grow in faith, to live out my life for Him, and to become just a better person overall. The struggle with obedience is that when the hard tests come, all I really want to do is sit there with my arms crossed and a pout on my face. But, I asked for it. Really, I did. But that's not a bad thing :)
Prayer is a powerful thing. If you ask God for something, make sure that you're really prepared for what you're asking for. I asked God for opportunities, and he gave me them but not always in the forms that I expected. I wasn't ready, I backed out, and I lost potentially wonderful opportunities to spread Christ's perfect love. So I prayed again, Lord give me another opportunity, and the strength to take it. Lo and behold, another opportunity came. This was one that initially made me want to be stubborn. But God calmed me down and pushed me forwards face first into something I didn't want to do. And I believe it glorified His name. Even in my deepest desire to be stubborn and not take what I asked for, God took control and made it beautiful. Made me beautiful.
Obeying is tough, especially when you're as hard-headed as I can be sometimes. But I cannot think of a time when it didn't turn out well.
So, I want to challenge you: Ask God to give you an opportunity to do something that you really don't want to do, and for the strength and wisdom to do it for His glory.
I'm telling you all this because my stubbornness has been playing a part in very specific areas of my life right now. A theme that God has placed in my life the last month so or has been a strong one of obedience. Obedience when it's easy, and obedience when it's tough. And I promise you, He's given me a lot of both opportunities.
To me, obedience to God is an opportunity to grow in faith, to live out my life for Him, and to become just a better person overall. The struggle with obedience is that when the hard tests come, all I really want to do is sit there with my arms crossed and a pout on my face. But, I asked for it. Really, I did. But that's not a bad thing :)
Prayer is a powerful thing. If you ask God for something, make sure that you're really prepared for what you're asking for. I asked God for opportunities, and he gave me them but not always in the forms that I expected. I wasn't ready, I backed out, and I lost potentially wonderful opportunities to spread Christ's perfect love. So I prayed again, Lord give me another opportunity, and the strength to take it. Lo and behold, another opportunity came. This was one that initially made me want to be stubborn. But God calmed me down and pushed me forwards face first into something I didn't want to do. And I believe it glorified His name. Even in my deepest desire to be stubborn and not take what I asked for, God took control and made it beautiful. Made me beautiful.
Obeying is tough, especially when you're as hard-headed as I can be sometimes. But I cannot think of a time when it didn't turn out well.
So, I want to challenge you: Ask God to give you an opportunity to do something that you really don't want to do, and for the strength and wisdom to do it for His glory.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
And... we're off! Hello!
It's a new year, so why not start it off (a tad late) with a brand new blog?
Now, I've tried this blogging thing several times before, but maybe this time it'll stick ;)
I do have a "plan" for this blog, though it is not limited to that plan. I'm in the final semester of my senior year of high school and I'll be moving to my "home" country to go to college in roughly 5 months after having lived in Indonesia for 9 years. It's not going to be an easy transition, I know. So I want this blog to just be a record of my thoughts through this transition. I will post about other things I feel so led to, but transition is my main focus, and just learning how to listen to and obey God in everything.
I really am hoping to get some good processing done here, and it would be very encouraging if I could get some feedback - whether it's to just say hello or to give me some advice and feedback on my transition thoughts. I'll just do a bit better with some support and encouragement. :)
I'll try to get posting soon!
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