I am just going to be honestly blunt here: I woke up cranky and uninspired this morning. I found a way to make the smallest things into the "worst day ever" speech and I did not feel like doing anything for anybody. This morning was about me and how cranky I was and how much I did not want to do anything or be anything for anybody else. And even though I knew I was being wrong and sinful and selfish about everything in my attitude this morning, I did not want to give it up and fix myself. Pride got in the way, and I wanted my day to go as I wanted it to. Well, God had different plans. He had plans to give me a different attitude.
I spent over half of my day with this attitude - a cranky mood and a selfish heart. I do this thing where my stubbornness takes over (quite often) and when I am in a bad mood I just want to stay in that bad mood because I do not want someone to come in and fix me. Even if I'm wrong, I'm right because it's what I am choosing to be right now. It's ridiculous, I know. It's a problem.
I finally started to realize my need to humble myself by about half way through the day. I work in the library processing the books that go onto the shelves. It's a pretty mindless job, and I like it because it's productive but also gives me an hour or two every day where I can just sit and think or listen to music and relax. I don't have to worry about much when I'm working, but I also end up thinking about a lot at work because of the relaxed and quiet environment. At work is where I do a lot of my heart checks with God. Today was one of those days that I just wanted to zone out into my music and not think and not analyze myself. But even through my attempt to block out the world, God gave me Colossians 3:23 which says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men," and I just kept hearing those words being repeated over and over. I couldn't shake them away. God was seeping through my walls and telling me I needed a change of heart.
I began to look at how my day had gone up until that point. What was I doing (or not doing), and who was it for? I was not doing much, and whatever I did do I was doing for myself. Not quite the answer I should have had. I will not say I am proud of that answer. But it was a necessary realization of the kind of person I was being today - and that is not someone that I want to be. A few verses down in Colossians 4:5-6 Paul says, "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Wow, can you say conviction? What was every one seeing in me today? Was I being a true ambassador of Christ or was I an embarrassment to His name today? I don't think I was shining Jesus a whole lot this morning to be honest.
I was reminded then of the prayer my friend Emily prayed for me this morning in our InReach meeting. She prayed for me as a leader, and one thing she mentioned was that I had evident joy, and she prayed that my joy would spread to others. Where was that joy today? What was I spreading if I wasn't spreading joy? I'm afraid to see the results of what I was sending out today. I regret the moments I let go by where I missed a chance to spread God's love and the joy that only He can give. It wasn't just that I was being cranky and I believe that joy and happiness are a different thing, though they do often come together. It was more a matter of I wasn't being Christ-like at all, and I believe that when I am in Christ are the days when His joy is most evident in my life and that's where He uses me in my daily life. My selfishness and stubbornness got in the way of me being open to God using me today, and that's not how I want to live my life at all.
I am a spiritual leader on my hall in my dorm this year, and our theme is about sin and redemption (to put it plainly). I shared on Tuesday about the beast within each of us and how our sin makes us beasts. In God's plan to continue to humble me, He gave me a challenge. The beast in me was evident today, and I am ashamed to admit that, but I am not ashamed to admit that I have a Savior who died on the cross for me in all my gritty stubborn ugly beastliness so that I could be better than the beast that I naturally become in my sin. I have a God who wants more for me than who I am today, but loves me still, and He is relentless in His love for me. His love is a special love that changes me in my ugliest moments, and of that I will never be ashamed. As Paul clearly and boldly put it in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me," I will boast in God's grace and power because aside from that I am no good. God had been knocking and yelling at me and tapping my shoulder patiently the whole morning saying, "Amelia... look at yourself. You're not doing today right." And I am so thankful for a God who is persistent and patient when it comes to my stubborn selfishness. I need someone who won't give up on me, and He has always done that for me. I would be lost without a God who is loving and patient.
