I have not written for a long time and I'm going to start off with the oldest excuse in the book: life has been crazy busy. But through all the craziness, God has been growing me as a person so much. I wish I had written earlier, so that I could write down the transition more vividly, mostly for my sake of remembering the journey that I traveled to get to who I am right now. That's one thing I so love about writing. Putting moments of my life and my feelings into words and onto paper makes those moments and feelings all more tangible. When I write how I feel, I see myself more clearly and my life is put into better focus. I'm big on journaling, and have journaled for years. I am thankful for that, because I can read back and watch myself change and grow, and it makes me thankful for the good and bad times, because without any of those moments, I would not be who I am today. And it helps me to look back on the things I prayed for and never thought about again, and seeing so clearly how God answered those prayers in ways I never realized. I like the journey, and it's such a big deal to me to be able to experience my own journey over and over through reading my own words.
So right now, I'm going to let you all in on a little taste of my most recent journey. It began most significantly as I thought of this point in my life, where everything is suddenly the "end" of something - the end of classes, the end of exams, the end of high school, the end of the school year, the end of my time in Indonesia, the end of my time living with my parents,... basically, if you could name something I was doing, it was probably the end of it or coming near to the end of it. But to me, the end means that something else is beginning. Whenever something ends, there is always something else that replaces it, eventually. It's just how life goes. And with every step closer to the oh-so-obvious endings, I saw more and more glimpses of the new beginnings. And not just the beginnings of a new place to live, new people to meet, and new college life to get used to, but a new beginning of me.
I have gone to the same school for nine years. People have come and gone, but some have stayed. And when you stay in one place for so long, you become very comfortable. You find your spot and make your mold in that seat of the couch, and you know that is where you fit, where you are comfortable. I am a person of habit, so once I pick a spot I like to stick with it. Here at BAIS, I've learned to stick with who I am. I convinced myself that people know me a certain way here, there is no reason to be any other way (and it would freak them out if I changed!). At least, that's what I thought. But, as the imperfect being that I am (and we all are), I was wrong. True, the community is very small, and tight, but that doesn't mean that I can't change just because of others' set expectations, or just because it is scary to suddenly make a different turn than others expect because you know that people will notice. In a small community, every one notices when something is different. I wanted to be different, but I was scared to be noticed. I was scared to stand out. (And I have to admit to you all, that I am honestly still scared.)
I proceeded to make excuses to myself for reasons why I should just "wait" to change and be different. I told myself that it didn't matter if I changed now, because I'm "good enough for now" for where I am, and that when I get to college there will be new people and a new environment with people who don't even know me. I can change for that occasion. I can stand out and be different there, without it totally freaking out people because they won't have set expectations of who I am. And that is partially true, but at the same time, there is no real guarantee that I'll ever even make it to college. There no guarantee that I'll even make it to tomorrow. What matters is that I take the moments I am given to make a difference and to constantly be seeking better things and showing Love. The day I decided to take that to heart was the day that I began to change. It didn't matter if it freaked people out anymore (as much). But I had to learn to ask God every moment of every day "Lord, give me the strength to change and be a better person, a better servant, today". He keeps giving me courage to be better, to really be me, more and more in the most unique and unexpected ways. He keeps giving me opportunities to stand up and say what is on my heart, and he puts people into my life who push me, who lift me up, and who want to get to know me the more I put myself out there as I truly am. It is such an encouragement.
I haven't been fake, but I haven't been 100%. And that lack of 100% has been eating at me for most of my life. I often squirm and ache because I haven't been able to be me. But the more I remember the time I am not guaranteed, and the people who need to be inspired this way too, the more courageous I feel to strive for that 100%, to give it all it takes to be that me, and to live the way God created me. And it leaves me speechless when I look at this journey God is taking me on. My journey is no where near complete and I don't see the end yet and I hope there never is an end, because I want my journey to continue in the hearts and lives of others who I have hopefully influenced even after I am gone. I don't want to wait to inspire people, and I don't want to wait to shock them out of their comfort zones, because I believe that God does incredible work in anyone who is willing to step out of their comfort zone to live the way He created them.
And I just have to tell you all that my heart is so full, and I feel loved and blessed beyond measure. Get out of your spot in the couch that you're comfortably sinking into, open up the doors to your journey, and step through with your eyes open and your heart willing. Change is coming your way, and it's about to blow your perspective and fill you with wonderful and terrifying feelings, and God will be holding your hand every step of the way.
