The What-Ifs of a TCK Life

I try to be honest when I write on this blog, and today I have to be honest with you, my readers, about some of my human flaws. I don't know if this will be a happy, neutral, or sad post, but it's something that has been on my heart lately.

I have to admit that I have spent a lot of time wondering what my life could have looked like. I wonder things like who would I be, what would my life be like, and where would I be now if I had never moved overseas to Indonesia and instead spent all my years in the States. Actually, I think a lot of us think about what life "would have been like" if we had not done this or gone there. It's a natural human reaction to think about "what ifs" and dream of a different life. But it's also a human reaction that shows our ungratefulness and regret. It's a broken system, an unrealistic world that will never be because all that time is past. I never really feel fulfilled when I think about the what ifs of life, instead it usually leaves me feeling emptier and kind of sad, yet for some reason I still like to entertain that aspect of life regardless.

Some of my what ifs are somewhat realistic, and some... not so much. Some are dreams of less heartache of missing people because - in my theoretical dream life of what ifs - I only know the people in my town or state, and the rest are at least in the same country that I am in. And for me, just the same country is sometimes enough for me to feel closer. Some are dreams of having gotten to be in a big high school and be a "normal" teenager growing up in a normal high school where it's not a small bubble where everyone knows your business and getting to go to prom. Some are dreams of getting to go through driver's ed (even though it's awful, I hear) and getting my license when I turned 16. Some are dreams of getting to grow up with my best friend next door and be friends with someone I have known my whole life. Instead, I get to meet new people every 10 years, and no one is a "life-long" best friend. Some are dreams of getting to play on the 4th and 5th graders' playground at Monroe Elementary, because I had to move away before I got to move up. Some are dreams of getting to have my grandparents and aunts and uncles at my graduation, because at least they wouldn't have to spend a lot of money and travel half way across the world to get there. I often get stuck in trying to imagine what it would feel like to know where "home" is, and not just trying to figure out some abstract perspective of it, or trying to accept that I don't have a home, or trying to come up with a five part answer to the question "so, where are you from?"

Sometimes I am thankful that my family remained fairly "western" when we lived in Indonesia. Sometimes, though, I feel like an in between TCK who isn't quite American but isn't quite influenced by the Indonesian culture either. I have a lot of American TCK friends who are more Indonesian than I am, even if they were not in Indonesia longer than I was. Even they make me feel like I don't belong. They know more of the language, they love the food more, they lived closer to the locals and had relationships with them that I couldn't really have. I learned a lot of the language, but not as much as they did. Their parents grew up in Indonesia and have generations of influence, but my parents were in Indonesia as long as I was. They know more Indonesian songs, and make fun of dangdut in a way that I can't fully understand. I feel like I don't know where I belong on the "TCK chart."

I just don't know how to feel sometimes when I don't fit in with Americans like I'm "supposed to" and when I don't fit in with TCKs who grew up with me in Indonesia either. It is easy to complain when I compare my life to someone else's life. It is easy to complain and compare when I'm in the middle of a lifestyle that is already a middle of two worlds. But does that give me any excuse to justify my complaints and justify dreaming of a different life? No, it absolutely does not. I am still being ungrateful when I wish for a different life, and I am still being sinful when I don't thank God for every blessing and hardship he has given me. He has given me life and for that alone I should be grateful. God did not give me my life so that I could complain and wish for something different. God gave me my life, and all the unique things about it, so that I could have my own place in this world to be a part of other peoples' lives and make my own mark on the world.

Maybe these are all okay things to miss. Maybe not being a TCK would bore me to death and I would have spent my whole life wishing for something more, craving something other than a non-TCK life. Perhaps I am a little bit disillusioned at what a non-TCK's life is like. Maybe if I had gotten these things in my life, it would have been a good thing - but maybe it would have been really, really bad for me. I have heard before that when God says no to something in your life, he is protecting you from something worse than what is going to happen to you. It's not important for me to figure out. In fact, the answer to what would have happened is not anything I need to figure out. What difference will it make in my life?

 God has given me an incredible life - through the good times and the bad times - and I should be thanking Him for each day of breath that He has granted me. I should be thankful for the culture that I got to experience first-hand, the food I got to eat, the relationships I made, and the person all my experiences have made me today. Each direction my life has gone has been tailored perfectly for what I have needed because my God knows me better than anyone, and He is my life-long best friend that I have always had. He is my Home, and all of those dreams of a what if world are meaningless when I look at what God has done in my life and as I can only imagine what else He is going to do.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, 

he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk

 through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me 

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

{Psalm 23}

Redefinition

Did you know that you can look up the word "definition" in a dictionary and receive an answer? It seems a bit redundant to me, but I guess I can see there being a need for it just for definition sake. But did you also know that if you look up the definition of "definition" that one of the answers you will get is, "a statement expressing the essential nature of something." That's all it is - I know, I was not surprised either. Although, I don't really know what I expected to get otherwise. My point is, I looked up "definition" because I wanted to know what actually qualified something as a definition. It seems words, laws, trends, and all things society have been adjusted accordingly to how someone wants the said thing to be defined. Is definition something I can create for myself then? If you really want me to go on a word spree about that, just send me back to Mr. Schaffer's 11th and 12th grade AP English classes (because I would love to talk to him about that!).

No, where I am going to go with that, is towards what things have meant for me - what they have been defined as for me - over the course of my life. Since I moved back to the United States a little over a year ago, I have had quite a few moments of culture shock and transition chaos and pain. [And not to mention, I made it 11 months in the States before I left it again - not even a whole year (ugh)!] I have written about some of it, and I have talked to friends about a lot, and kept a good bit of it to myself. But one thing that really got to me near the end of this last semester of freshman year of university was realizing what things mean to me now.

I spent a lot of time during my 11th and 12th grade years of high school preparing for and thinking about what my first year of college would look like, and what the summer before it would look like. I could see it: the summer would mean my sister's wedding, the MK transition seminar at Cedarville for 2 weeks, spend time in Janesville with my sister and new brother-in-law, figure out how to get to Kentucky for school, and pack all my stuff up to move into a dorm room, and then the school year would just be something I would have to figure out like every other "normal" high school graduate does - there was nothing too different about that, right?

But not once did I think about what the summer after freshman year would look like. I can honestly say I did not prepare for that one bit. It hit me near the middle of the spring semester when people began talking about their summer plans and going home for the summer and getting their summer job back and spending time with friends and family. I held my breath during those conversations a lot because I was afraid to be asked what my summer plans were because, frankly, I didn't have any plans. I didn't even have friends to plan summer things to do with because all my friends are spread out across the globe - literally! I had 4 different locations to go if I wanted to visit any of my immediate family members, or I could just stay in Kentucky for the summer. I really did not know.

I had joked with my friend Amanda about coming to Canada with her at some point, and as summer neared, it became a reality and we started planning our summer together. As I began packing up and figuring out my passport stuff, it all began to really hit me: this was all mostly new to me. Suddenly the end of the school year and graduation did not necessarily mean extreme heartbreak and long-expected goodbyes to people who were going across the globe. Suddenly packing for summer meant find somewhere called "home" to store my entire dorm room of stuff and pack what I need for 3 months, and it no longer meant grab this red suitcase and pack less than 50 pounds of whatever you need for the summer as we drive around the United States visiting people. Suddenly going out of the country by myself "just for fun" was an option and my summer plans were focused mostly on just me and not really influenced by 4 other family members' plans for the summer. I wasn't playing tag-along anymore. I wasn't playing the red suitcase game anymore.

Being in university, being an adult, and (for a part of the year) living on my own means a lot of redefinition. If I had not made any summer plans for myself, I would be in a bit of chaos. I like the independence that comes with moving out and going to university, I like the opportunities that I am given to spend half of a summer in Canada, and I have really learned to appreciate kind and generous people who will let me store over half of my belongings in their basement and people who will house and feed me for two months.

It is sort of intimidating and scary to realize how much I am on my own right now, but I know that this may not last forever and I should really take advantage of the time and freedom and independence that I have now. With each new step of in my life, I am redefining what the end of each school year means for me. I am redefining what summer means and packing means, and I am constantly redefining what "home" means. I get to chose what the essential nature of these things mean for me, while it may mean something completely different for someone else. I am thankful that things will not always be as they were, while also a little bit sad that some things will never be the same. Life comes with change, and if we can't accept that and embrace it, how are we going to every fully live life for what it can offer us?

The Infamous Passport Story

For as long as I can remember, one of my favorite verses in Scripture has been Proverbs 19:21 which says, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." There is so much security in that verse, so much that just puts my heart at rest in almost any circumstance. This verse never fails to ring true for me, and just last week I had a very character-building experience with God's purpose versus my plan (not that it's anything new for Him to do!).

My plan last week was thrown completely off track for a few days. I had planned to be in Canada by the Saturday before last week as soon as finals were finished for Freshman year. I was going to drive with Amanda to Lousiville for a night, then off to Niagara. But we had one very significant problem: I had no passport and therefore no way to cross the border into a different country. It was in the mail, and it was supposed to have been there by that Tuesday or Wednesday, but we kept checking the mail, and it never came. Wednesday afternoon, two days before we were supposed to leave, we sat down together and prayed over the situation - that the passport would come, that we would have patience, and that whatever happened, we would know what to do. I called the passport agency and talked to a guy who we like to describe as "talking to Jesus". He was so helpful and just helped me not stress about the situation so much. The next eight times I called over the next few days were not so helpful and stress-relieving, but we knew that God was watching over us and He had a better plan for us. My passport came by that following Tuesday afternoon and we finally left for Canada on Wednesday morning, but boy, was that an adventure for us both.

I can only imagine what we were being protected from by not being able to go to Canada when we did. Or maybe we weren't being protected from anything and God just wanted to teach us a few things and bless us a little bit more in Wilmore. I can say without a doubt that He taught me a lot.

I think the most obvious lesson was patience. It took me a lot of patience to call the passport agency as many times as I did - especially when it came to talking to the guy who, by that time, knew less about how the conversation should go than I did (I just wanted to direct the whole conversation at that point as I had done it over and over and over). It took me a lot of patience to sit and wait for something that I had no secure information about as far as what to expect. We didn't know whether to plan for one day of entertainment and housing, or three days.

Another lesson was trusting God and his provision. He surely showed me a lot of grace through this and he showed me so much love and care. I have never been so thankful for easy-going and generous people in my life. We were moved out of the dorms Thursday afternoon and had everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) packed into Amanda's car, which meant that we were essentially "homeless." God provided a place for us to stay with my cousin who lives in the area, and my were we thankful for that! We even had a few other people offer up their houses for us to stay. We had meals every day, and a bed to sleep in - things that we suddenly did not need to worry about.

Amanda and I learned a lot about living one day at a time. We learned about trusting God one day at a time. We learned about waiting for God's provision in His timing. We learned about being grateful and patient. And we certainly learned how to work together through a very frustrating situation.

This wasn't a great experience, that is for sure, but it was a growing one. And if I can grow as a person out of waiting for a passport to come, I can say it was worth the frustration and delays. Although we were held back from our plans and getting Amanda back home for a few days, God gave us so much in the process. He gave us more time with some people, he gave us a trip to the Cincinnati zoo, he gave us time to just relax and do nothing, and he gave us a learning experience.

I am pretty certain that if I had decided to just mope around for those 8 days waiting for my passport to come, I would not have had the same positive feelings about the whole thing - and that would have been a waste. I'm thankful for a God who loves me and cares for me and will put me through hardships to grow me as a person. It's not fun, but I'm better because of it - and it gave me something new to blog about!

You see, I had many plans in my heart and I was very set on them happening in MY time. But God has a greater plan for me, and His purpose prevailed. I would rather my life be guided by His hands and His perfect plan than my selfish desires to have a good time. He knows more about what I need than I do - and I didn't even realize how much I needed to be humbled by this experience. I'm thankful for a God who knows what to do for me to make me a better person. I'm thankful for a God who hold me in his hands no matter where I am.

Tips for Third Culture Kids [Entering College]

One day last semester I was sitting in class and had this sudden idea to write out a list of my TCK moments since I moved to the States. This is not a complete list, but it is what I have so far. Maybe in the future there will be a part 2 (and so forth). I hope you enjoy this and find you can relate to it to some extent!

• Find a church. Be open, visit more than one church in your area, ask people where they go and invite yourself, make a list of what you like and dislike about each one, look for somewhere you could call "home". My church became a piece of home away from "home" for me and I gained a family inside the people who I went to church with. 
• Go to MuKappa events. If you school has a MuKappa, that is. Look for the other MKs and TCKs on your campus and find things to do with them. You may not get along with all of them, but you will find you treasure those little bits of time spent with them. Talk about your countries with one another.
• Embrace the flip flops. It will keep you sane. (If you grew up in a country where you wore them a lot, anyway.)
• Don't be afraid to ask for rides. Face it, you probably won't have your license for a couple years during college. I was used to being able to drive around in Indonesia for a while and I got to the States and couldn't drive anymore. Don't be afraid to ask for help to get places. (It's humbling, too.) 
• Learn how to tip. Tipping is confusing if you haven't been living in the States. Tipping is different in every country. Don't be embarrassed to ask your friends/peers how to tip (or you can just google it). 
• Go to a Superbowl party, even if you don't like football (not futbol). It's a great experience, you make friends, you learn about the American culture a lot, and it's great food! You don't even have to watch the game in order to have fun. 
• Talk to TCKs/MKs from different areas of the world than you. You may actually find that you are surprised by how different those worlds are, yet how much you can still relate to them. TCKs/MKs are a special kind of people, but you already knew that. It may take a little more effort, but it is totally worth it and you can learn about more cultures.
• If you get a chance to, carry your country's flag at an event/ceremony. It may be a bit embarrassing and the flag may slap you in the face as you walk through the chapel aisles, but it's a great experience and you get to show people where you're from. 
• Teach people some vocabulary from your language. Some people really love learning new languages. Chances are, you're going to slip words from your language on a weekly basis and letting your friends in on that will be a great bonding point! 
• Use your language even if no else knows it. I wish I used my Indonesian more often because I feel like I am forgetting it. It's kind of fun to throw it out there every once in a while.
• Be patient with the lack of convenient and cheap public transportation in America. Also be aware that you can't really walk many places. I grew up in a country with super convenient public transportation (though not very clean) and it is weird to be in the States where it's expensive and not easy to get.
• Just say you're from the country you identify with. Some people care, and some don't care. Get over it and move on in the conversation if they don't. Just try not to take it personally. If they do care, you may get a really amazing conversation out it. Don't have too many expectations with that conversation, but take what you can get.
• Find friends who live in the area and get away from campus every once in a while. You will appreciate a home cooked meal and time in a real house, and dorm life gets a little bit suffocating sometimes. You will also probably love the family time, even if it's not your family. 
• Be thankful for soft toilet paper. Most college dorms don't give you the highest quality toilet paper. It sounds strange to be thankful for that, but trust me, you will appreciate it. It's the little things. 
• Remember that candy that you used to not be able to get is no longer as precious. Eat that Reese's Peanut Butter cup when you get it! You will get another one before the next year. And don't be ashamed if you feel like putting Ranch dressing on everything you eat. That's "unlimited," now, too. 
• It's okay to panic if you don't know where you're going for the next break. Your roommate may know where he/she is going for every single 5 day weekend and all the breaks, but take it one break at a time. Enjoy the fact that you sort of have the entire world to chose from and go visit friends you haven't seen in a while, go to a MuKappa event (like the Spring Break trip in Florida!) or try and get invited to go home with a friend from school. College offers a lot of opportunities for those random road trips you always dreamed of.
• If you're a U.S. Citizen and your passport expires, remember that this time you won't get kicked out of the country. But also remember to renew it ASAP so you can leave the country. Your passport might also become a source of ID for you for a good amount of time. Don't lose it. 
• Make sure you know where a copy of your birth certificate is. You will be amazed at how many times you need to use it as a source document for various things. Also make sure you have your Social Security card available and in your possession/close to you. You're going to use that a lot, too. 
• If you're going to study another language at school, beware that you're probably going to sit in class the entire time reminding yourself to not think in any other language. It wil be exhausting and confusing and your professor may not understand when you answer his Spanish questions in Indonesian. 
• Let yourself fall in love with Pandora and Netflix. These don't work overseas (at least most countries as far as I am aware). Take advantage of the fact that you have them now!
• It's okay if you start feeling "at home" at college. It is actually a really nice thing if you let it be so. You're going to be there for at least 4 years probably, so let it become something familiar and "homey". Otherwise you may feel like you're walking on eggshells for the next four years looking for somewhere to call home.
• Spend some time on YouTube looking up commercials from your country. Laugh and appreciate the ridiculousness of it all. 
• Google Maps will make you homesick, but use it to your advantage to look at the old familiar streets where you grew up. Find all the houses you have lived in around the world. Thank the internet for having Google Maps. 
• When fall/winter comes, observe what people wear. You're going to be cold, so invest in ear muffs and/or a hat. 
• Realize that other people have "small world" moments, too. Learn to hold back sometimes on your stories of small world connections. There is a time to share those stories, and a time to be quiet and listen to other people be excited about their moment.
• Realize that your life experiences are just as important as someone who has never left the city they were born in. They may not be a world traveller, but chances are they have some pretty amazing life experiences to talk about, too! Ask them questions about their life.
• If you see an even on campus has free food offered, go. You get food, and you could make a friend! 
• If you live in KY (or anywhere like it), be prepared for really confusing weather. Not only did I transition from two seasons to four seasons, but one day it will snow an d the next it will be T-shirt weather. Learn to check the weather report every morning before you get dressed. Layers are helpful.  
• Don't worry if you feel weird when you crave the strangest foods in situations that don't typically call for it. I often crave jagung bakar (corn) whenever I would go to a bonfire. 
• When it comes time to pack up at the end of the semester, rent a storage unit with friends or find someone in the area who will store your things. You will be amazed by how much stuff you have accumulated over the school year. Since I didn't have anywhere to store a lot of my stuff at the beginning, I pretty much had everything I owned in my dorm room. You're not going to be able to take all your stuff with you wherever you end up for summer. 
• And finally, keep in contact with your friends from where you grew up. It doesn't have to be constant or super significant (though that latter is quite nice to have), but do stay in touch. You will appreciate having those people when you feel like no one knows you or the country you grew up in. Having someone like that to text, call, or Skype can be a life-saver. 

Pain: Not as Useless as you Think

I think the moment you can truly realize that a bad relationship had something good about it, is the moment when you can see it bring something good from it. When you can learn something about yourself, life, love, or all of the above, through that past relationship, I believe you have taken a step in allowing pain and the shattered glass pieces in your heart turn into a beautiful new creation; a heart in the process of being repaired. If you can learn something now, because of something before,  you have done something right in the process.

A painful memory, a painful relationship (and I mean romantic or just friendships) should not be something that shuts doors in your heart and your life. I know that is probably the first thing you want to do when you're hurt. I know it is the first thing I want to do when I get hurt. I admit I have done it many times, with many doors, with many relationships. But what good does shutting that door actually do for you? Does it keep out the pain? Sure. Does it stop others from being able to get in and hurt you again? Sure. Does it protect you from ever feeling that horrible feeling again? Sure. It seems like a sure-fire way to stay away from pain, away from feelings, and away from being vulnerable, right? But does shutting doors and putting up walls also keep you from love? Absolutely. Does it keep you from having relationships that benefit and heal you? Absolutely. Does it keep you from being able to fully love others? Absolutely.

The point I am trying to get at here is that pain is horrible, but it is worth it if you handle it properly.
Heartache and pain are real and they need careful attention. Closing your eyes to a bad situation does not make it go away. Ignoring the fact that something or someone hurt you, does not make it all better. Pain needs to be accepted and it needs to be tenderly cared for.
I sincerely believe that when we accept the fact that we have been hurt, betrayed, toyed with, abused, struck down, or stabbed in the back is when we can truly begin to understand the purpose that pain holds in our lives. Do you hear that? Pain has a purpose. Pain does not exist to merely "ruin our lives" or make us miserable. Romans 5:3-4 says, "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." That could not be more true. God carries us through painful suffering so that we can produce perseverance, character, and hope. He brings us through this pain so that we can become better people with better hope.

I have been hearing a lot of stories from friends and going through a lot of personal revelations lately with this in mind. In the moment of its origin, pain seems utterly useless, but when you can accept the pain, offer it up to God, and try to allow it to have its way through your life, pain can really have a wonderful outcome. Pain has made me the strongest in certain areas of my life where I am so thankful I am strong in. There have been a lot of relationships in my life where I have experienced "person-hurt" and there have been deep wounds that have affected a lot of my future decisions and relationships. I did not understand it at the time, but those wounds would slowly fill up with flowers. Allowing myself to talk about these wounds and the pain I felt, has allowed me to process what went on and to see myself and my actions in a different perspective. In this, I have found new understanding to my reactions to certain personalities and situations. Most recently, I have seen where I fear, and now understand why. And suddenly those painful memories don't seem as useless as they once felt.

I hope that my words make sense to someone reading this. And I pray that my readers would be able to grasp what I have begun to learn: that pain is not useless, and, when treated and understood properly, can even grow flowers where things were once completely dried up and closed off from the sun. 

Living a Life of Worship

Do you ever go to a worship service and feel like you're just beginning to get really into it when suddenly it ends? When that happens to me I just stand there and think, "Hey worship band! I wasn't ready to stop yet! Keep going!" But I never actually say that, and they never actually keep going. It's disappointing isn't it? I'm all for listening to sermons and getting the Word of God spoken to me and explained to me, and all that is a form of worship. But the singing and the praying during songs and just seeing how God reveals Himself to me and those around me during that time just fills me with so much inspiration. I hate when those moments end because all I want to do in that moment is forever sing to my God how much I love Him and how much I cannot wait to be with Him and praising Him forever.

I have been thinking lately about different ways that people worship to experience God and thank Him for all He has done. Some worship through dance and song, some through scripture reading and analysis, some through prayer, some through art, some through sports, some through their academics, and so much more. The way I worship best is through prayer and writing (hence this blog!). I believe that God has given each and every one of us special "talents" that He made us especially unique in, and I believe that as Christians we should use those God-given talents to our best ability to offer what ever we have up to God, the One who made us. We owe Him everything we are, every breath that we breathe, so I think that the least we can do is to use who we are to worship Him.

Just imagine how incredible it will feel when the only responsibility we have is to stand and worship God all day, every day! Even if we still have to go to school, it will be a form of worship to God. Even if we still have to do homework, it will be a form of worship to God. Everything we do will be an act of worship, praising God and glorifying his name. I cannot wait to spend my every minute of the rest of eternity just giving my everything to God.

Why don't we do that here? We get glimpses of that every so often, but it doesn't stay, does it? Life "gets in the way" of us living for God. At least, that's what we tell ourselves. We make excuses for why we haven't spent time in the Word or in prayer today, and let's face it, none of those are good excuses. Everything we do should be done as an offering to God and with a heart of worship. Worship is more than just singing. Worship means to show reverence and adoration for [God]. How can you show God how much you love, revere, and adore him through the little things you do in your day?

The more we prepare our hearts here to live for God, the more people will see how much we need Him in our lives, and then we will have even more people in heaven praising and worshipping God with us for the rest of eternity. Don't you want to see that? Don't you want every loved one in your life to be with you, worshipping God, for the rest of eternity by your side?

I don't know about you, but that makes me so joyful to think about and I just cannot stop smiling! I don't do a great job of worshipping God in everything I do, but I do want to try and I want to inspire you to strive to do so as well. What better way is there to live than living to please our Creator?

Let this song inspire you as well! :)

I Can Only Imagine - MercyMe

Stomp Out the Dirt & Invite Jesus Over

God is great. Let me just get that out there! It's so overused... yet so incredibly not used enough. Would you agree with me? We say these things so easily: "God is good" or "God is with you" and all those verses we have had memorized since childhood. But how often do you sit back, really look at who God is, breathe it all in, and then let this massive grin fill your face as you truly recognize how amazing our God is? He is awesome!

It is true that God is not always that lovely-dovey God who never lets us get hurt. He does let us get hurt and he does get angry at us. Doesn't He, the God of the universe and the creator of every living thing, have a right to be angry with us when we act like complete idiots who are obsessed with sinful things and temporary gods? I think so! We should be angry at us, too!

The thing is, God told me what to do and I accepted the task. I said yes. I knew when I accepted that it was going to be tough, but I had no idea what He had in store for me. Things have been up and down and all over the place with me and God and what I see Him doing, but I know that I just need to continue to cling on to Him and ask Him to reveal to me what He wants me to see. Except, there was one itty bitty [aka: super massive] issue smack dab in the middle of my heart that was blocking my eyes from seeing what He wanted me to see and doing what He wanted me to do. I like to call this little thing "LIES".

I didn't realize it for a very long time, but there is a lot of dirt in my heart that needs to be cleaned out before I can even begin to think about trying to show other people my heart and Jesus. It took a lot of tears, a lot of my friends calling me out on things, a couple of people very hurt by my actions, a lot of prayer, a $10 concert, and a little bit of a trip through my Sea Tribe story from Senior year to get me to where I am right now. And where am I exactly? Well, I am on the road to freedom. I am on the road paved with victory and surrounded with angels who are rejoicing and cheering me on the whole time I am traveling.

You see, satan is real. And most Christians don't realize the power we have over satan when we have God, and satan uses that to his advantage. He takes us apart piece by piece, weakness by weakness. He works in the smallest details; not just the big ones. He has a pattern. I figured out one of his patterns, one of his moves that he uses on me, and I learned how to overcome that. But then he finds other ways to get to me and destroy the things that I can use to serve God. He picks on other aspects and he disguises them differently. He is a sneaky one, that devil. But God is stronger!

If you know what I am talking about, recognize that satan has a grasp on these aspects of your life and pray them away. Not only that, but pray for God to fill those spaces with Himself, so that satan may not re-enter and take away from you serving God better. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then pray that God would reveal these things to you where satan is holding on and God isn't. Either God has it, or satan has it. Choose God and cut satan off from any and every connection he could have to your life. Pray those away, yell at satan and tell him how horrible and awful he is. Tell him you hate him. Stomp your feet on the ground and squash him. And fill those now empty spaces  with Jesus. Don't let satan back in. He is stronger than we are, but God is stronger even more so than everyone and everything. If God is on our side, who can be against us?

When you know you're on the winning side, you feel victory during the battle. Rejoice in that victory and keep fighting to the end.